A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 30 years old and am married to a 38 year old truck driver. We have been for 3 years, my husband is not the type that tells me he loves me and he can go without sex with me for weeks. He does not pay any attention to me even after he has been gone for days. I have even started feeling guilty for wanting to have sex. I feel that he is with me only for our two kids, to avoid fighting over them. I do love him very much but I also feel I am starting to hate him for neglecting me. I have been talking to a man that is in my same situation and we have decided that we are going to give each other what we dont get at home (no strings attached) I just want to know if I should continue in a relationship with someone that makes me so unhappy for the sake of our children or should I give up and leave before it ends badly. I have already spoken to him about this and he says All I want to do is pick a fight. If I try to kiss him he turns away or makes a face like if I annoy him I am so confused about everything please help enlighten me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Longterm +, writes (15 September 2009):
Encourage your man to get checked for low testosterone. He's at risk for it with his career choice, especially if he is overweight or diabetic. Good luck.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 September 2009):
 The first thing you should do is try considering the effects of an extra-marital affair on you as a person and the other man.In order for you to get what you're not getting out of your marriage, you're going to have to enter into an emotional relationship with another man. Even if its no-string-attached, you have to understand that you're playing with your emotions and the other man's emotions. What you're saying is you're not getting enough love, affection and intimacy in your marriage from your husband. Once you start getting that from someone else, then it involves satisfying your emotional needs and the other man's emotional needs.Affairs of the kind you're describing are not uncommon. And so I'll explain it in detail below.Consider what happens when, for instance, the affair gets discovered either by the other man's wife or your husband ... or worse yet, your children!Think of the dilemma you'll be in at that point. What to do then? If you get caught, the affair's likely going to end and there's going to be a lot of heartbreak and shame, and guilt to go around to everyone involved. This will happen even if it is an NSA relationship.If you're this desperate then obviously its probably a band aid on a gaping wound.Now to explain things further:Practically most marriages and relationships break down due to neglect by one spouse of the emotional and physical needs of the other. And this is directly the result of a number of factors.If your husband is not giving you the love and affection you NEED, not want but NEED, then you have to first try and seriously talk to him about this.After all, you're married and you should be able to trust him to be able to tell him that you're feeling lonely and neglected in your marriage without him judging you. Tell him that he's hurting you badly by neglecting your needs and you're suffering because of it.Remember: Don't judge him, or let him judge you. Just be open with each other and forgiving if you can.Ask him what it is that you're doing or not doing that's making him drift so far away from you, emotionally and physically.Try and work things out so that the two of you can get closer and spend more time together as a couple.And I stress the word TIME. He needs to pay attention to you. He needs to call you during the day when he's away and assure you that you're on his mind and in his heart. And when he comes home, he needs to spend more time being physically attentive to your needs as a woman. That means holding you, kissing you, and hopefully making love with you.He needs to know what it is that he's doing to you and he has to be so clear on this point that he's only got 1 more chance before you start considering your options, including a divorce.If he's still adamant about his behavior and he's not willing to make the effort to save your marriage, then you have the other choices. At this point he probably just doesn't love you. And if that's the case, you're entitled to find someone who will love you. You deserve to be loved.But he has to know that its up to him to try and work with you as a couple, together, so that whatever it is that's happening here, you know that he doesn't want to lose you and he's going to make efforts to satisfy your needs too.But if all he wants to do is keep the marriage going for the kids' sake, then I think you're both being dishonest, hurting each other and hurting the children by lying to them.The last thing I'd have to say is that he may be having an affair on the road. I don't know if you've considered it. But while you have this conversation with him, without accusing anyone, just ask him if there's someone else. If so, then let him go and you move on to your affair or find a man who will be there for you.But before you take the drastic step of having an affair, think of the consequences. That's all.I don't condone affairs, but I don't condemn them. Human beings are built to love and if they feel neglected or they're neglected through circumstances unrelated to their marriage, an affair is sometimes the only solution.
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 I've never seen anyone on this website actually recommend cheating on someone. Presuming you've read some of the posts prior to typing one of your own, I think you already know what we will all say on the matter.As parents, we have a responsibility to our children, to teach them not only how to SURVIVE in the world without us, but to THRIVE IN IT!If my daughter were unhappy in her marriage (for any reason) and had tried repeatedly to work through it without success, it would be my hope that I had helped her to navigate the world on her own. For that reason, I felt it necessary to set the example when I was faced with the possibility of marrying someone I knew I could not be happy with for the rest of my life.Before you give up entirely, I would examine my past tactics in attempting a discussion.Do I use accusatory tones? Am I able to accept any responsibility for my behaviour? Am I keeping in mind that it is not always WHAT you say, but HOW you say it? Am I picking bad times to open this discussion (i.e. when he is worried about money or has something else on his mind)?I am not in your home and do not witness your attempts to discuss the marital issues, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and presume you have done all you can.As already stated, you are doing yourself, your friend-with-benefits, your children and your husband a GREAT disservice when you commit adultery. There is NO JUSTIFIABLE REASON TO CHEAT.If you must go outside of your marriage in order to find happiness; when there is no chance of being happy within the marriage, it is only fair to all of those involved that you end the marriage.Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): No, do not sleep with the other man, although your husband isn't giving you what you need, it's also unfair (understatement there) on him and your children to have an affair. You may be satisfied sexually but the other man can't fill the emotional void for you.
Before you decide this marriage is down the drain, I suggest you talk to him again. Perhaps when you two are alone and when you're both in at least a neutral mood?
You could tell him that, you don't want to fight with him, but you want to work on the problems in your marriage, and then go on to explain what and why is missing in your marriage. Has there been a lot of things on lately? Perhaps he is stressed out, or depressed, or both. If you think that you need an outside perspective on things, then suggest marriage counselling, that will help a great deal. I think suggesting it and going ahead with it is a definate if he doesn't or refuses to see that there are problems. I also think that this marriage won't improve unless you're WANT to work on it, and even though staying for the children isn't the best decision, it CAN be a reason to give you the motivation to make it work, alongside other things.
If you want to make it work, and find that he does too, then try to mend the problems in your marriage, before you resort to separating. If you don't want to make it work, then you still need to tell him how you feel and talk to him about it before making any final decisions. Looking elsewhere is a big no no, and won't give any of you what you need.
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A
male
reader, lonelyguy28  +, writes (14 September 2009):
I say you should leave him, and marry someone you like, that knows your need, I hope this will help. why didn't try to asked him, that you need love and care from him, and as a husband, he should have known his obligation to his wife, maybe if you patient a bit he will understand.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): If you already started a relationship with someone else, if you two cant even stand each other, and if you dont feel like things could ever get better, than you need to end this. You might think its whats best for the children, but kids shouldnt grow up with two parents who are fighting with each other all the time. If they see the two of you argue, fight, and hate each other, its going to hurt them a lot more than if you two just split up. It wont be easy, but its what would be best for the children. There is no point in two people staying together if they hate each other and cant be happy together.
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