A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi all.My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 years. In this time we loved each other -- I still do, and she does but there is problems, which I'll explain ahead -- and we even had a baby boy (4 months now). There is a lot going on now.For one thing we live apart from each other. I'm a student and she's a full time mum now. We both, on the only plus side, live with our parents. We were/are planning to get a home.My only income right now is EMA which for the uninitated is where the government gives you between £10-£30 a week for going to School/College further education. I get £60 a fortnight. But even then its hard enough trying to get up to her bit on the trains, as it's like £5 each way. £20 a full trip. I can only see her often when I have to PRETEND to be under 16, to get on as a child on trains. It's embarrassing. But even then I still need to clothe and get other stuff for myself. And that's with getting the bus. She expects me to pay for clothes and that for my son, which I do try to, if I have money. Problem is, is that I can't see her very often, like twice a month. I used to be able to stay at hers from thursday to sunday, but even that's been cut to ONE day. A fortnight. We can't have any semblance of a relationship but hell we do try. We talk over the phone a lot, as much as possible. I can talk to her for 3-6 hours a day sometimes. But recently it's been really getting to us as our son is teething and he's a bit unconsolable. :)My girlfriend has had a lot of problems with my family.First of her old 'friend' is going out with my brother, and they're going strong.But she has feelings about her, that she did things to her little cousin and such. Another thing is that my gf talked about my mother and her friend told my brother, who agreed not to tell my mum... till he got drunk and told my sister, who told my mother. It caused a lot of pain for her and things exploded out of control. My gf doesn't come down here because of her, and my mum. When she asked my mum if she would stop her from coming up (bros gf) she said "I won't stop anyone from coming up if they don't deserve it. I'm not going to step into your problems, I'm sorry.". This was after my gf and my bros gf had been squabbling so don't look so hard on her. Understandably she feels that my mum has chose my bros gf over her 1st grandson. She says if she wants to see him, she can come up and see him, because she won't be down there anytime soon. (To put it into perspective on how I feel about it my Dad hasn't held his grandson ONCE. My mum, ONCE. No one else in my family has seen him. Her family and friends have all seen, felt, held and loved him. Her friends see him more than what I do. Her mum and dad see him on a regular basis.)We have had personal problems as well. She feels I am too carefree and don't devote enough time to the relationship. She says that I care more for my family than "Our" family. She feels she has to "babysit" me when I'm with my son because, and I'll admit to it too, it feels all new when I see him, like I have to relearn everything again. Don't get me wrong, me and him have a blast just when it comes to dirty nappies and that I pass him on, because I'm way too slow at it, though I always do my fair share. I can't do much to improve myself except for when I see her. So she sees someone still living in the past (young carefree) versus the man she'd like to have. But I don't even see her enough to show how I've improved. It's a big strain.She hates my family, though they let her stay at their home. It's heartbreaking.Even throughout all of this I would have endured.At spes infracta and all that. :)But there's a problem.She says she likes someone. But not just 'likes'. She says she likes him in the same way she liked me when we first met.She says if I don't buck up she's gone.So, what should I do?Leave her first?Get on with it?Need help. :(TL;DR Should I leave her because of things that have happened with our families?
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female
reader, Jesc  +, writes (29 April 2010):
 Thank you for responding. I am very proud of you on everything you have done :)I won't lie here in the US it's hard to find a job I've been looking for 3 years, my problem is I juggle school,work, being a mommy, and trying to have time for me. It's pretty tough but I choose this life and I'm willing to fight for it every step of the way hell and back.Now, Forgive me if I step out of line. But your girlfriend needs to ease off and let you be the father. Remind her you help create a beautiful boy. Let her know. I get times with OUR son, I should get pictures of OUR son. I'm sorry but that just made me down right angry. When the father of my daughter took off I hunted him down and told him I want you a part of her life, I want you as her father. Just give time to know who she is. I send him pictures,videos,etc. He is even coming over tonight for dinner with her. I will not lie I will not leave him alone with her as of now. It took him a year to even look at her I'm scared for my child what could happen if he has time with her on his own. If he keeps up with everything he has been doing so far that time will come.That's also another point. My problem is fear. We all hear that fear controls your life. It's true. Maybe your gf has fear of you and her's son well being, anything in fact. Maybe you should let her know some how prove to her and yourself that no harm will come to you seeing your son without her. No matter what you are the biological father. You will always have a place in your heart for your son. You should let her know that you will always love him, and thank her for you both were blessed. A child is a memory of a happy time. Please let us know how it goes. I won't lie I'm very anxious to know what happens.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): Hi, just to add to what I wrote (I'm the original writer), I've been trying to get a job for over 2 years. It's hard to find jobs in this part of the UK. Jobs that are suitable I won't get even part time.
And yes, I agree full heartedly about my son, but I don't think he wants his mum and dad to fight all the time because I find it hard to communicate my ideas to her, but she has a various ways of communicating hers, sometimes with the aids of fists and loud shouting.
I actually think you hit it right there when you said mothers grow up faster, and seeing people not being at the same pace, the same 'level' as it were, is frustrating, which I really understand. I've been trying for nearly a year to communicate my ideas about whats happening.
I think it's our attitudes to things that piss her off.
She is the kind of person who'll blow really easy. At a contrast I'm more calm, but can respond to anger with anger, which I try not to do. It can happen.
I guess she feels she wants to have the relationship, in a weird sense, her way, but she's not getting it so she's kinda pissed.
I have talked to them.
As an update she said that they can come up if they like but she's not going down here. But I don't think my mum and dad have had the chance to have anything with my son.
I should of said that I'm kinda being controlled, just I think this is what pushed me to see what i should do.
She says I can't take him out, without her that is. She says It's her and my son, or nothing. She won't let me take photographs of my son to even show my mum and dad.
Despite this I would live in misery if it helped him.
But I think that that kind of lifestyle is wrong for both Him and Her, no need for us to be in needless fighting if it's not needed.
Dear Cupid mods/admins, could you add this to the post? Even just add it as a response. (Check IP address)
Thank you. :)
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A
female
reader, Jesc +, writes (28 April 2010):
I really understand where you are coming from.I am a young mother I'm 19 years of age. I had my child when I was 17 years of age. Then man that is her father had a hard time adjusting to the life style still does. I left him for other reasons.We had a lot of family problems within our relationship. His mother was a horrible person in our time of need she became selfish about her only granddaughter, She wouldn't give us 100$ to take her to the ER but she bought herself a new truck. So it made me hate her. I am the type of person who comes straight out and talk about my problems. I did so with her I talked the matter very mature like for her to spit in my face and smack me. After that moment along with many others I lost it I told my baby's father he would have to choose over a mother who cared nothing for his daughter or me. I know it was wrong now. Yet then it was right thing. Now, You need to talk to your family out of concern for your son. Let them know you will be that boy's father no matter what happens and he deserves to have them as Grandparents.You need to talk to them about this deal face to face.With your girlfriend it is wrong the threats she makes. You should talk to her let her know you are trying but when most women get pregnant they have the instincts to become a parent faster than a man. Let her know you need to see your son more to become the man she wants. PLEASE do not do it for her, or you. But for your son.You need to let your girlfriend know that just cause she has a problem with your brother's girlfriend doesn't mean she can take it onto herself to talk about it. She should be respectful no matter what. Same to your brother's girlfriend. With everything said you should talk to her about this face to face. Try to get a part time job or temp job. Save up. Remember this is no longer about your relationship with your girlfriend it is about your son.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (28 April 2010):
 You are a father now and should try getting a part time job to help with your son. Your family should stay away from your relationship and you should not listen to them because a relationship is in between two. You are over 18 and have a child is time you man up to your responsibilities, and put your child first.
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A
female
reader, KRSMouse +, writes (27 April 2010):
you should only leave her if you want to, not because of your families. after all, there should only ever be two people in a relationship. if she says she likes someone else and you truly love her then you need to talk to her and make her understand that you want to be there more but you cant. can you not get a part time job? earn some extra money?and if she leaves you anyway there isnt much you can do, but make sure you keep contact with your child
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