A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I met my ex when I was 15 and he was 16, we were married for 18 years with 3 great kids but I found him too much to live with because he has mental health issues and it was affecting me. I left him and have tried to make a life, did a lot of growing up after being with him for all of my adult life, had a couple of boyfriends and now I've been seeing someone for 3 years. My relationship is far from ideal, I wont go into details but I love him and ignore the things I don't like.I have been apart from my ex-husband for 7 or 8 years now, he's also had a few girlfriends and even lived with one for a couple of years. But occasionally we find ourselves talking about how our family has been blown apart and life isn't the same. We both pine for the same thing which is to have a family unit where we watch our children go through life and are there as a family for our grandchildren as they are starting to come along. Its a very deep feeling which won't go away.I've always felt an unexplainable link with my ex and often think of him, I used to describe this link like an invisible umbilical cord which I felt had a strong pull towards him although it seems weaker as the years have passed. There is genuine affection and care between us, I'm due to have an operation in September and he's said he wishes he could be there to care for me.Yesterday, I saw him for an hour and we talked about how the effects of our split have affected our children and our lives too. I have tried to move on and my current bf wants to move in with me but something is stopping me from letting him and I think it's my children and because I kind of miss my ex husband. my bf won't ever be a family man and appreciate my children/grandchild when they come round so I can't share that with him and it's a very important aspect of my life.I guess my question is should I ask my ex to get back together with me and accept things will be tough? We both want the same thing, to have a companion to grow old with and be a family to our grown-up children (1 still at home-18). We split because my ex's anxiety and temper was too much for me to handle at the time. I've changed/grown up and he's changed too.Does it work out to get back together after a long marriage ends and after 7 years apart?
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male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (15 July 2013):
 There is no right or wrong answer here and the short answer is: it is up to you. No one here can predict what might happen and whatever you do decide will potentially hurt some people and could alter your life in ways you least expect.
You and your ex-husband have a lot of history. You've basically grown up together and have a strong bond: you have children. I am sure your kids would love to see you get back together as well. My concern is, are you thinking about getting back together because being without him hasn't measured up to you what you expected? Meaning, just because you haven't found anyone you truly have fallen in love with, he's the next best thing and are you settling? Given your history of "settling" with your current boyfriend with less than perfect results, are you afraid to try and find someone who closely matches what you are looking for? You may be unconsciously setting yourself up to always be disappointed and unhappy because you feel you don't or can't find better.
Secondly, consider what he put you through in your marriage. If he was mentally ill, has he been professionally treated? Sometimes mental illness never really goes away and the patterns are there for a life time. You could be stepping back into his sickness and you will be stuck in the middle of it again.
Finally, if you do decide to go back, be straight up with your current boyfriend and take things slowly. Just because you have a long history together, you and your ex have changed over the intervening years and there may be different expectations and behaviors.
Eddie
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): I suggest you first end your relationship with the man you are currently involved with. Then go get some counseling to deal with some unresolved emotional issues carried over from your old marriage.
You are carrying on too many highly-emotional situations at once; which indicates how indecisive and compulsive you are. You go back and forth; and you have too difficult men in your life.
Even worse, you are second-guessing your decision on a divorce; which was based on abuse. Seven years later, you would subject yourself to possibly the same abusive environment; based on nostalgia for the good ole days.
It's one thing to return to a relationship that simply went sour; but to return to an emotional(possibly physical) abuser, is an indication that you never fully recovered from the post-traumatic stress of your past marriage.
Yes, people can change. The odds are highly against things working out the second time around. Your ex-husband's last few relationships didn't work out for a reason.
BIG RED-FLAGS!!!
I don't think I'd be far from wrong to speculate that his mental-health has had much to do with it. You can live in denial if you like. You see yourself getting older and you want to feel things as they felt many years ago. When things were good and the the children were young.
Sorry, the past is gone. There is nothing wrong with dating your ex; for old-time sake. Do not move either of the those men into your home. It will be hell getting them out.
However; bringing your ex back into your life, after all this time, and after you have had failed relationships on both sides? Neither of you are ready. You both need work.
You can't just walk out of one relationship into another.
You have to deal with the breakup. Do you think that other man is just going to happily walk away?
What really takes the cake, is that you'd expect to just accept things will be tough. What are you thinking?
You need to seek help and get it fast. You are about to destroy the remaining best years of your life over men.
That is the worst thing you could ever do.
You need repair emotionally; so your decisions are based on reason and good judgement. Please seek counseling and therapy; before you do anything else.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (14 July 2013):
 It's weird that you said it's been about 7 or 8 years, because thats how long I have been divorced from my husband and recently we have been talking a lot about the past. It's the first time in that long that we have even been able to speak about the divorce. I still care about him and I know he cares about me...so maybe 8 years is the key?
I don't see any reason why you cannot try and spend a bit more time together, maybe not living together, but just give yourselves more time to talk and see what happens. If his anger issues have resolved then he needs to prove that to you and realise that you would never give him the opportunity to show you that kind of behaviour again. There is no saying if it would work out but some time you have to go with whats in your heart!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Your past is exactly the same as mine. Met as teenagers, 3 children and 20 years together and my ex also had mental and anxiety issues and a temper. I also have had other relationships since our split and him also and we have been apart for 7 years and there is no way i would go back to him. Years ago i never saw myself without him and he could be very nasty towards me but now never would i go back to that kind of life even if i thought he had changed.
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