A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My mom moved out about 2 years ago, stopped talking to my siblings and me, and we have only heard from her to help herself gain money or dirt on our father for the divorce. She's crazy in quite a few ways, very unstable, and she thinks she's doing better now that she's not living with us. For some reason she left a voicemail on my sister's phone, asking to email her. she's afraid to see us in person but she wants to email us. we all laughed when we saw what she wrote, after so much time she wants to get back together with us. she wants us to forgive her for the torment she put us through and abandoning us, along with verbal and physical abuse. i've come to terms with it, kind of forgiven her through forgetting, but i dont know if i want to put myself though the heartache again. she is my mother, but how do i know she's not using us. why would she want a relationship out of nowhere? about 9 months ago we tried to make plans to speak with her at a restaurant, but she never showed up and we never heard a word from her since now. should we set it and forget it like george forman?or should we try to establish a connection with her, even if it means rehashing old terrible memories and possibly more bad memories.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2009): thanks for the advice everyone. I think i'm going to try emailing her one more time and see where it goes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2009): Have you ever watched 2 and a half men? Im sorry you've got that type of mum dear. So do I
Simply put she is self centred, please dont help her put down your father that will damage him and you in the long run. Also dont give her money, She is suppost to give you money.
I decided not to hold a grudge on my mum and forgave her, however I also decided to keep her on the sidelines of my life as I feel she has done enough emotional damage and will only do more. So i talk to her on the phone and am respectful (she is my mother), but I probabily wont visit her and if im being honest prefer it if she didnt spend too much time with my daughter.
You need to do what is right for you. start small, just text then email and then on the phone. If all good then you can move forward
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A
male
reader, Candleman +, writes (20 October 2009):
 This is something only you can decide. There are people who have gone both ways. If you decide to cut off ties with your mom, then you have every right to do so considering all that she has done to you.
It comes down to self-preservation. If being around your mother only makes your life worse to the point that it effects you dramatically, and/or she can not change and show remorse, then by all means sever ties.
The problem is that when you cut her out, you will have feelings of guilt, regret and the curiosity of perhaps this time she could change. This will go deep into your core. These feelings can be managed though as they are justified.
There is a strong innate pull to our parents. Deep down we want to have a positive relationship with them. However, there is only so much one person can do. It takes two for this to work.
Considering how young you are and the amount of life that you have left, then I would say try to get back into communication with her.
You will have to not expect too much from her, or you will no doubt set yourself up for disappointment. You also should be lenient and nice to her in the beginning so that you do not scare her off. Once you have established relations, then you can get into the issues that you feel that you need to address.
If you have forgiven your mother or once you have reached a general degree of forgiveness, then you need to let it go and work on making positive memories from this point forward. Don't get hung up in the past and constantly scold her for her wrongs.
You then become the better person and by doing so, you allow her to become a better person.
This is easier said than done. I am not saying to bottle up your emotions. You have every right to confront her, but the goal should be working towards a more positive relationship with her which means making new, better memories to counter the negative ones. But again, there is only so much that you can do. It takes two.
A word of caution. My grandmother, mom's mom, was one of the most diabolical, unloving mothers that has existed. (Fortunately for me, she was one hell of a grandmother, not mother though.)Mom was in therapy for a couple of years dealing w/ all the issues she created. There are other moms that are worse than what my grandmother was. This is why you have to be cautious and demanding towards your mom so that you are fair to yourself. Bad, destructive moms exist and some never change.
I would definitely draw a line and use caution in any request she makes in regards to things like money. If her intentions are only for her personal/selfish gains, then you set yourself up for more heartache and she doesn't deserve your time. The one thing that I would demand of her is that the relationship between you guys be simply quality time together. That's it. That's where it starts. See a movie, have dinner, things like that.
Keep in mind that the first step will be the hardest step for your mom. The email was like a baby step. The real first step is confronting you face to face. This scares the hell out of her. It might be you have to go a little out of your way to get her to meet you the first time. If you set something up and she doesn't show, maybe send her an email saying its OK and recommend another time to meet. Maybe even stop by her place. At some point you have to draw a line. Hopefully you won't need to.
Once you get that first meeting, again, don't bash her. Make it as pleasant as possible so that she will not be afraid to keep contact. After you have a few of these, then you can deal with the issues if you feel you need to.
Remember that you have to worry about your self and can not let this woman keep fucking with you. The amount of patience and understanding you show should only be what you can handle.
I wish you the best and hope things work out.
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