A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello! I need advice as to whether I should get back in touch with my ex! Please let me know what you think...I dated this guy for only 4 months last year - we broke up about 15 months ago now. It was the first gay relationship for both of us – I had come out a couple years before that but never really found anyone until then. When we met things progressed very quickly and before we both knew it we were in a relationship, kinda by accident. He started to come out whilst we went out but he was very secretive about me – in the end he dumped me on the basis that I wanted a serious relationship and he just couldn’t handle it because he wasn’t out. I don’t know how true that actually was – I think he may have been meeting other guys at the same time and within 2 months he found someone else who he is now still with. They’ve been together over a year now and he’s fully come out. When we last met in August he told me he loved the new guy.So in the meantime I’ve found this break up tough. I don’t think I realised it at the time but I now think I must have loved him because the withdrawal was pretty devastating. I found it really hard to meet other people and I spent a lot of my time thinking about what went wrong, how to get him back, etc...He on the other hand didn’t really give it much of a second thought in fact was really keen to stay friends once we broke up. We exchanged emails and texts about every month or so afterwards but generally speaking he was always “too busy” to meet. We did meet in March and again in August tho and it was just like old times – really fun. I always found that we got on like best mates and so did genuinely want to try and be friends with him. Ultimatly though I found it too difficult – just seeing him made it harder for me when I went on dates and made me think about him all the time. I then felt angry because I knew he didn’t care about me.So in the end and with all this in mind I finally sent him an SMS saying I was confused about what happened and if there was any hope for us in the future. I know that sounds crazy, but I was just exhausted from thinking and pondering about him and I just wanted it to end. He replied as I knew he would saying he “wanted me to be happy but that there was no future for us”. The next day I sent him a long email saying I couldn’t handle it and that I didn’t want him to contact me again. I said if I contact him anytime in the next 6 months then to ignore it. The break has really helped me to finally get over him. Knowing that I CAN’T text him and that any text I receive WON’T be from him forced me to take time out. I still think about him but I don’t want him back. If anything I know feel really resentful for the pain he caused. So to my question. Next month the ‘6 months’ will be up; I can either not contact him again and let it go for good or try and make amends.I know the obvious answer is to say forget it, but it makes me really sad that things ended the way they did and I do genuinely want to know how he is and if he’s happy. I don’t want him back. On the other hand I’m really worried that by contacting him again I’d be opening the floodgates to all the feelings which are now gone. I feel like if I meet him i’ll remember everything we had, it’ll hurt and I'll be back to square one again. I also worry that I’ll really resent the fact he’s happy in his new relationship and begin to hate him when he talks about how “in love” they are. What would do? Get back in touch or just let things go for good?
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male
reader, karldlewis +, writes (29 December 2009):
You really can't be the one to start the contact. If he does send you anything (which is only a small possibility) than maybe he actualy has realised what you had, if he doesnt than you just have to realise that it was never really going to be.
However you do seem to be starting to rebuild yourself again- I hope that things do get better soon and I'm sure the right guy won't be too hard for you to find.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (22 December 2009):
 Unfortunately, the more you think about him, wonder if he's really happy, - and by the way, he either is, or is not, but in any case you have to regard it as no longer anything you can concern yourself with - and mull over what went wrong between the two of you, you are guaranteeing that you'll continue to feel hurt and angry. It's like scratching a raw wound.
You wrote him a final message asking if there was any possible future. You got his response that there isn't. Why don't you take that as gospel? Six months or no, it would be in your best interests to never again contact him and try to turn your attention to other interests. Have you considered getting counseling if you are finding it so hard to stop grieving and let go? Sorry this is so painful for you, but by moving on with your life and putting yourself first, is the best thing you can do for you.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 December 2009):
This is pretty much exactly the same as a recovering alcoholic asking if he can have just a glass or two of champagne on New Years Eve.
Yeah, a one off coffee with this guy will PROBABLY be ok.
But then you'll want to see him again the next weekend, and bit by bit you'll slide back to where you were.
Stay on the wagon and cut contact, it's really sad and a shame you can't have him in your life but remember how hurt you were... it's not worth risking that again.
Good Luck!! xx
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