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age
41-50,
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writes: I have a boyfriend of six months who is against my idea of fostering a child. My idea is to adopt a child if i dont get married, and i would like to start with fostering. I realise i have been puting my plans on 'hold' waitng for marriage.I havent told him the real reason for fostering as i suspect he would feel that i dont have much hope in our relationship. I told him i need a child in my house and not ready to have my own before getting married. He sugested geting a relative (readily available), but I want one that would be "my own". I had brought up the issue of our future together at some point but it created alot of tension, with him feeling pressured into marriage, so I wouldnt want to talk about it again.should i tell him the real reason why i want to foster?should i just ignore his adivice and go ahead (its mu life after all)?or should i put it on 'hold' and see where the relationship heads to before fostering and adopting?*I live in a country were adoption is frowned upon and i would expect alot of objection, from all angles, except from orphanages and charity organisations. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, wendy2012  +, writes (1 July 2013):
as an update, i actually fostered a boy, who is now 6. i got him three years ago. we got married about a year after i got him and things have not been easy. the boy was emotionaly abused and spanked several times. i had to involve family for my husband to stop. the past year has been better. hubby 'tries' to treat him well, but he is cold and distant, and occassionally erupts!. its clear he just pretends.i have become so attached to the child its been hard to imagine life without him. the situation at foster homes is so bad, food is not sufficient, the kids are crowded, the the workers never pay that much attention to the kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): I'm wondering what happened with this situation. I just saw your question and wanted to tell you that my boyfriend took in a foster child two years ago and it ruined our entire relationship, our plans, our future. It ended really horribly and nastily, even though we planned to get married and have children together. I didn't know he was registered as a foster parent, and he told me at the time he accepted the child that we would raise him together and adopt him together and that none of our plans would change for our own marriage and children. Well, that was all a bunch of crap. He totally turned his back on my daughters and me and pretended he never wanted to get married or have children. He started lying to me so he and the child could go everywhere together without us. He liked being single and being seen that way. It was the worst experience of my life. Please be honest. I know your situation is different because your boyfriend is unsure about marriage and children, and so are you with him, but just know this is a really bad situation to be in.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): If you go through with this and adopt or foster, be prepared to lose your boyfriend over it.
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 What do you want more, to be a parent or to be in a relationship with this man? I think if you really wanted to be a mother, you wouldn't even begin to ask whether or not you should put your plans on hold for this man.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (24 November 2009):
 NEVER mess with adoption and children if you cannot first get a definite amount of support and comfort in your own home and relationship.
If you are serious about adoption then you really need to stop thinking about wanting a child for YOU and realize that you're adopting a child for the child's sake too - they're not an accessory.
You cannot just adopt or foster a child, and in some places you have to actually be in a very good financial situation or secure marriage/relationship to be able to adopt or foster children in the first place.
You really shouldn't be in a relationship with this man if you cannot be honest with him about YOUR plans. As a couple you should have a plan that includes both of you, not just your own feelings.
If he doesn't want a part of fostering or adopting then you really need to either step back from the idea and concentrate on nurturing your relationship OR you need to find a new man that is on the same page as you or else the child is going to be the one that ultimately suffers while your relationship remains divided and you fulfill your own need for a child.
I know I sound harsh, but you really need to be settled and 100% sure of the direction you're heading in before you take on a child.
Talk to your partner seriously and see where it goes. Perhaps he isn't the right man for you, in which case you need to start again.
There is no reason why you should rush into adoption or fostering. Think about the child, the future and the consequences/responsibility.
Good luck with your decision.
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