A
female
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anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts/Uncles I really need opinions here.I have been engaged to a wonderful man for 6 months now and although we do not live together at the moment, the plan is for him to move in next year. I have two children living with me from my first marriage and they adore my fiance. He has two children from his first marriage who he dotes upon but who live with their mum.Every 2nd weekend and a few days in every week, My fiance has his kids to visit.rightly so...I am not questioning that he should have them, they are his children.He also takes them every where they want to go at the weekends he doesnt have them even tho their mum does not work at weekends atall and drives has her own car. He says it is just easier that way and does not want his kids to miss out on things.At the moment this is not a major problem but my worry is that when he does move in and we are married should his ex still expect this of him? Im of the hope that every 2nd weekend we have his staying with us and still have them visit during the weeks as it is at the moment, but that the weekends they dont stay that his ex and her partner should do the running around for them, leaving us a couple of free weekends that he can be a proper step dad to my two.( they only see their dad once a month since he left for another woman).Am i wrong to hope for this? I know it sounds like im asking him to choose my kids over his but I really just want them to have a fair amount of his free time too, after all he will be their Step Dad and My Husband aswell as still being Dad to his kids.
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female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Your fiance is obviously a good father and enjoys spending time with his kids whenever he can, even if it means shuttling them to and fro on the weekends. He's not doing this because his ex won't, he's doing it because he wants to. That said, being a good father to his own children does not take anything away from your children. He will be living with you 24/7, so your kids will get a fair amount of his free time--probably more than his own kids will. Your children will also have the advantage of having him present and involved in their day-to-day lives.Is there any way you can make arrangements with your ex to see your children more frequently? Perhaps you wouldn't worry so much about them getting attention from your new husband if their own father was more involved.
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (24 November 2009):
 You sound like a very nice well balanced woman to me. Thinking through issues like these in advance are a very good idea.
Although I appreciate you want him to spend more time with your son and envisage things being similar to what you have now I do not think he will stop the driving around business without you having a word with him and spelling out to him what you are hoping for. If he lives with your child all week I think it is possible like PeanutButter says that he may want to spend more time with his biological children. I am not saying if that is right or wrong but I think it is likely and I think you need to think about that. I think once you have moved in together/ are married the ex will demand even more of his time - knowing that women can be a bit difficult! I can see her demands for his time with the children as increasing rather than decreasing. Ofcourse not all ex's will behave in that manner but some will.
I actually think that you are going to have to accept this one. It may be best for you if you go on the drives or pick ups so you can control the situation rather than you sitting at home brooding or feeling resentful about it. The best thing may be to spell out the fact that you are looking for a couple of weekends a month as quality time for the two of you doing adult things especially as you will be newly married as that doesn't sound mean in any way but quite fair. If you are rational and even tempered over this when you ask for things or explain how you feel you stand much more chance of achieving your goal. All the best
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (24 November 2009):
 I think that you're going to be in for a bumpy transition when he moves into your home.
I think you're perfectly right in expecting him to spend as much time with your family unit as he does his biological children but you will have to realize that he will be spending 24/7 with your children and this may make him miss his own children a lot more and maybe push him to want to make that time for his children in the same way as he does now in order for them not to feel as though he is choosing your children over them - whether he is or not, he'll obviously not want them to think that he is and might well over compensate.
When he moves in, you will work out a routine that suits the situation but it won't come straight away. Perhaps he could drive your children and his around to do things together? Make family plans and trips, perhaps?
I live with my husband and my son from a previous relationship, he has a son from his previous relationship. My step son stays over every other weekend and visits on Wednesdays. As it goes, I do all the driving and so we end up spending that time with both children and both ourselves as a family unit on the days we have him.
We don't yet have to drive his son around on weekends when we don't have him as he's too young to be out and about at things that he'd need a lift to and from without a parent in attendance but when the time comes i'll offer to drive him if he needs to be somewhere and i'll do it because it keeps the peace, the kids are safe and I want to treat them both equally.
The trouble comes when i'm dealing with my husbands son taking his attention and my son taking my attention and then both kids spending far too much time with each other and ignoring both us parents hehe!!
Thing is, eventually it will work out in a way that suits everyone. He could ask the mother to drive the children around but chances are he likes to do it to see his kids.
Give it time and voice your concerns with him before you move in together. Maybe even talk to his ex and the kids and see what they want the situation to be once the change happens. Talk to your children too and see how they feel.
Maybe put yourself in his ex's shoes, and think about how you'd feel if your children were out with their dad as much as your step children are out with theirs. Would you, as a mother want to take that attention away from your kids so that the father could spend a weekend at home with his girlfriend? Probably not because as a mother you're defensive, naturally of your children, but in reality, you and your guy NEED to spend time together to make the relationship work!! It's a catch 22 situation, but it isn't hopeless :D
I think you'll be ok. Just whether the transition and nip problems in the bud early.
Communication is KEY.
I wish you lots of luck xxxx
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