A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for the better part of 5 years. I recently finished school and he asked me to move in with him so I agreed. It has been 5 months and were both under the impression we were heading toward marriage. For thanksgiving this year we went to our respective families homes to celebrate. While he was out of town he visited my best friend who he had become friends with and he cheated on me. While he did not have intercourse with her he performed oral sex on her. While I am leaning towards forgiving him (not her) I feel that he might have feelings toward her (outside of lust and beyond friendship) that we cannot over come even with a relationship therapist. Please let me know your opinions as I really could use advice.
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female
reader, Accountable  +, writes (26 November 2009):
 I have read your post and your followup, and Im still not sure why you're willing to forgive one and not the other. Sure, she could have told him to stop, but he could have decided to stop himself, or not even start it - after all, he's the one who supposedly loves you and should therefore not want anybody else, right? Men arent so easily led that some woman can just seduce them against their will, he wanted to do it just as much as she did. I don't understand how any woman can be willing to forgive that, personally.
If I were you I would move on from both of them - both have betrayed you, neither are worthy of your time. Maybe they will get together - ignore that, and move forward independantly. Find somebody who will truly value you, because they're out there. :) good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell first thank you all for your time and opinions. I have known her about 4 years longer than I have known him and we have discussed the boundaries of our friendship in the past, and given that this was oral sex she always had the opportunity to say stop. When I asked her if it occurred to her to bring my name up in the moment to stop things she told me she said "what about your situation" meaning she thought enough about me to want to not feel guilty after and say she said something but I simply feel how could my best friend allow my boyfriend to knowingly do that and refer to me as a situation. Lastly she never reached out to me to explain herself, to apologize, to tell me what happened or anything I had to try and contact her through various methods to even speak with her.
I am of the opinion that them trying to have a friendship independent of me is the source of the problem here because the comfort you feel with friends allows intimacies that here lead to pushing their "friendship" beyond what it could handle. Additionally, I have felt like in the past she has over stepped her boundaries with him.
For example when planning a trip home she wanted to stay at his house for a week rather than at her family home while I was away. She said nothing to me about it but he called to tell me her request of him and added "it was something she asked of him but he thought I should decide if I was ok with that since she was my friend". At the time we were not boyfriend and girlfriend but were still trying to work on our relationship.
So I simply feel she has lost all value as a friend as I can't confide in her anymore without the worry of ramifications about this relationship or the thought that I would have to guard any future boyfriends/husband from her as well. Also I don't feel that she is really sorry for what she did.
I believe I possess the ability to leave this in the past with him and think we could rebuild where needed in our relationship hopefully with help of a LMFT. He has told me he is certain he does not have feelings of love for her and I feel this wont happen again.
Do give any new perspectives and/or opinions please. This has helped me for an opinion thank you.
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A
female
reader, brokentrust1 +, writes (24 November 2009):
I am sorry. I am in a similar boat. But it is my sister not my best friend. I talked to him but have yet to speak to my sister. It takes 2 to tango and like you I wanted to hold the relationship with him. I could never trust again. I tried but it was agonizing for me. I was unable to forgive. I speak from experience when I say you deserve better. If you stay your mind will always be wondering what he's doing, your self-esteem will suffer, and you will be miserable inside. Please listen to what I am telling you. My heart aches everyday but I know this was the right decision. Good luck to you.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (24 November 2009):
 I'm a little lost in your logic. Why have you forgiven him but not her? Isn't he the one with a commitment to you? I understand not forgiving your friend, but why does your boyfriend get off the hook? He's the one in a relationship and he's the one who is supposed to be exclusively physically loyal to YOU.
I agree with Quiet-Echo (and everyone else). This wasn't just some dumb, drunken one night stand. This is a whole new level of betrayal - and you think he may have feelings for her? Can you ever trust this guy again? Can you really let this go entirely and not let it interfere in the future and your trust for him? If there is an inkling of doubt in your mind as to whether or not you can pluck this event from your memory, I would leave him. Any man who will go visit and have sex with your best friend is probably not the best guy for you.
Good luck, sweetness!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): in my opinion he's a cheat and he's not to be trusted
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Dump him.
Once a cheat always a cheat.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2009): Forgive HER not HIM. She didnt cheat on you, she's single. Your boyfriend however, wasn't single. And trust me hun, your friend did you a favour in the long run. If it wasn't her it would have been someone else he cheated on, and perhaps then you'd never get to know.
Im not saying get back to happy friends right away, but dont hold a grudge against her, she sounds like she did you a favor here by showing you who your boyfriend really is. Sure she might not be the best friend a girl can get, but she wasnt the one to cheat.
As for your boyfriend, we of course don't know his character, nor how the relationship between you two is. Cheating can be a one time thing that a relationship can overcome, for some couples. For others it is best to end things. Not so much because of the act (intercourse or no intercourse) but because essentially he did lead you behind the light and betrayed you. That has an impact on the trust in your relationship. That trust seems to be broken, as you are concerned he has started to develop feeling for your friend. Does your boyfriend tell you otherwise?
Hun I think it's about time you think about what you really want. A boyfriend who not only cheats on you, but who you can't trust to love only you? Sounds like you think he'll cheat again.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (24 November 2009):
 Cheating is cheating and I don't think forgiving either of them is the issue here. You have to look at yourself and see if you can carry on in a relationship with this man knowing that he is not un-swayed by other people and temptation.
If you feel as though you cannot live with the feeling that you were not enough, or the feeling that he might do it again, then the trust is gone and there is nothing you can do but make a clean break now before it causes more trouble.
If you do forgive him then you have to make a point of not throwing this in his face during arguments or dwelling on it. You have to wipe the slate clean and try to re-establish this trust between the two of you.
Whatever you decide, just remember they were both to blame. she didn't work voodoo magic on him to coax him away.
Make sure you're ok with your own decision and don't make it lightly.
Good luck xxx
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