A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want some advice, my mother and i have always had a strained relationship, she made me live with my grandparents as a child and then would up and move me every time she found a new boyfreind, then as i got older she would help me get a car etc and then a few months later say she needed it back, or i would get a job ad she would offer child care then when i became sucessful would stop offering childcare! Then the final straw was her running off with the father of my child who was aggresive and abusive to me! My freinds say she is clearly unwell and i should forgive her before its to late but i cant! I feal so much hatred towards her i dont know why i should forgive her. any advice would be welcome Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Your friends are probably correct and your mother is unwell. I have a feeling she came from a bad place in life and did what she could to hold things together, sadly not very well. Going off with your partner might seem unforgivable but what were you doing with an abusive man anyway? You are probably well shot of the pair of them quite frankly. But i know that wont stop you from hurting. Your mothers behaviour is like a huge rock in the road. You can butt yourself up against it for ever and a day. Or negotiate your way around it and move on. If you can find it anywhere in your heart to try and forgive her it will benefit you immensely.
You could try speaking to her directly and telling her how you feel. Or writing her a letter. Don't email or text. It is an awful way to convey any deep feelings. Set out how she has made you feel over the years. Explain how she has let you down. And tell her you forgive her because she obviously has many issues you don't understand. You can let her know if you don't wish to have anymore contact with her. That is for you to decide. But i do think you need to really clear the air with her and then try to move on.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 May 2011):
No - you do not ever have to forgive someone like this, mother or not. Your friends didn't have to put up with her vile behaviour, and you owe her entirely nothing.
My mother was emotionally and physically abused by her parents, and she cut the from her lives. It's not made her life easy, but she does say that it has made it easier than it could have been (she sadly picked my father).
Instead, go in entirely a different direction. Speak to a counsellor and just open up. Let yourself grieve for your mother without being near her. Sit down and write a letter to her describing how you feel, and never send that letter. Instead, burn it.
Then absolutely put everything you can into your child's life.
Sometimes, the best decision in life isn't always the popular one. The best decision you can make in your life is to keep that woman out of your life and your child's life. It might not be popular with those that agree with forgiveness, or your friends who don't understand. But you know that it's best to keep someone like this out of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): I think you have to have a mum like yours, to really understand where you are coming from. Stay away from her and get on with your own life, the behaviour she has displayed in the past is no going to stop anytime you let her in she is going to do it again, 20 years isn't going to make any difference. I know it's hard to know your mother isn't there for you, doesn't want you to succeed , doesn't want you to be happy, but you are not alone, some women shouldn't be mothers.
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 Although she is still your mother, she has done some very unsupportive things to you.
She seems competitive towards you. Even jealous, as if she shrinks back from supporting you when she senses you are getting ahead.
And she has a selfish streak. It is fine to value oneself. But it is not OK to undermine one's own daughter, nor ones own mother.
Did she have a very poor role model for a mother or grandmother? If I was running a zoo and she was a bear, then as the keeper I would have a note on her chart, 'needs to learn mothering skills, may be best if her new cubs are put with a surrogate mother, to keep them safe.'
No wonder you are not emotionally close to your Mom. There may have been financial pressures on her, where she wanted to buy your affection, and then found she could not afford it.
I think her judgement is seriously flawed.
She would not be babysitting mine without supervision, if I was her daughter.
If it would me I would remain courteous, but guarded, with her. I would have the mindset that she may let me down again in the future, and therefore I would never put my children in a position of risk.
For instance I would invite her for Christmas, but not make a big fuss before hand, in case she did not turn up. So that the children were unaware of her failure to turn up, as they would not be told in advance that she was expected.
I would not make up excuses if she forgot to recognise the birthdays of my children, nor mine. But if she did forget those occasions more than two years in a row I would let her know it hurt, and explain therefore why I was ceasing to recognise hers for the next two years. I am under no obligation to be a doormat just because the Mom is self centred.
Your ex?
Thank you goodness you discovered what a rat he was. Pity your Mom is unaware of how wrong she was to act like a Femme Fatale towards you previous guy. Be on guard in the future. She has shown that ethical actions are 'not her thing'
That action of your Mom is particularly hard to forgive. You have feelings too, and your feelings were not respected by your Mom.
Give your Mom a few years - another 15 to 20 years and it is likely she will come back cajoling you to help her out and give her more support.
What she has done to you in the past will just be ignored by her as 'nothing' in order to manipulate you to look after her.
You C A N say NO to your Mom.
She will always be your mother, but that does not mean that you have to like, nor put up with, her behavior. You can be pleasant, but on your terms, not hers.
She will always put herself first.
Hate is an opposite of Love. So you still have feelings for her, as your mother, and hope that she will change.
You may also have guilt when others are suggesting you should forgive, when you do not want to forgive.
Though your Mom will always put herself first, just make sure you don't put yourself last.
If it is convenient, and it does not negatively impact on you, nor your family,
then invite her to family events. If she forgets or fails to attend make no comment.
But if she attends, and behaves badly, then let her know assertively, but not aggressively, such as 'Mom WHEN I invite you to a family event and you go off into my child's bedroom to make out with my husband's boss and that Violates the peace of my home, my child's bedroom, and Hurts me and embarrasses my husband and makes me FEEL you have abused my trust in my home. As a consequence I am unable to invite you into my home again for the next twelve months.
Treat your Mom as you would a hostile former friend. You should be wary of her. You don't have to forgive her until you see evidence that she can sincerely apologize, and has shown new evidence that she can be trusted.
Every time you resume trusting her, and she clips up by her own actions, then withdrawer your support agaain until she gets the messge.
Your friends don't have to endure the same mother as you. So they can't tell you to forgive her. If you do eventually forgive her then YOU will be the best time to forgive her, or not forgive her, yet.
When you get to a point where you can see her point of view (even if you completely disagree with her actions), you may find some peace in accepting the bits of her that you like, and give no attention to her actions you disagree with. Though never ignore actions that directly hurt you or your family. Then see her occasionally, on your terms, and give her no attention if she forgets to be there at the appointed hour. If she is late, then give her 15 minutes grace, then get up and leave. Don't follow up her failure. Just give her no attention following her latest failure.
If she starts coming on to men when the purpose of a meeting was supposed to be you and her with one on one meeting, then again, stand up, settle up your side of the bill, and make a dignified
Exit with no comment. Never reward bad behavior with attention (not positive and not negative attention).
No doubt your Mom loves drama, where she is the Centre of the Attention. This is very immature
The final scenario, if your Mom keeps betraying your trust will NOT be hate. It will be complete APATHY towards her. When such apathy exists then you will not even be thinking a sincere change of heart by your Mom. Instead, if you reach that stage, you will know that your mother, (in this instance) is a stranger to you, and you will treat her as such, without guilt.
It is sad if it gets to this. But not all Moms want to be Moms. And some Moms just never learn to be Moms, nor ever want to act like Moms. If people suffer Moms like this they need to protect themselves by distancing themselves permanently from their Mom's manipulations and consistently unkind betrayals.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (30 May 2011):
 of course we only have your side of the story but from what you say it seems that your mum has never had much respect for you. there is only so much forgiveness available and i think that when someone repeatedly abuses that then you should not be made to feel bad by your friends.
try to let go of your hateful feelings though as they are just damaging to yourself, but i definitely think it is acceptable for you to just no longer have this woman involved in your life, at least until such a time that she can prove or show you that she is worthy to be in it.
you know the old saying 'we can choose our friends but not our family' seems to be very fitting in your case
x
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