A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I dated this great guy for a month. He said on the third date that he like me very much, we also had such a great time togheter, lots of laugh,and a great chemistry. We were also very attracted to eachoter, even though we didnt have sex (he said it was ok for him to wait).We only met 5 times. the last time we met I think I kind of pushed him away, because I wanted to know more ( u know, same old girl thing..talk about feelings, insecurity and so on..)because I thought it is ok to talk about this before we sleep togheter. I scared him, and he told me 3 days later that he wasnt interested in more, because he didnt feel in love with me. He also said that I scared him with my questions. He said he really like me, are attracted to me, and he want us to hang out still, but atfer his exam. But I dont get it. We had such a great time togheter, and he is attracted to me, how can he blow it of so quickly, without giving us a chance, and himself a chance to fall in love? I mean..I dont feel like I am in love either.it's way to early anyway, so I think it was really weird that he told me that.. His exam is over in a week, and I have to contact him then ( If I ever want to see him again). Not looking forward to it, I'm so afraid that he won't answer, or not willing to meet me. All I want is to meet him because I feel everything is misunderstood. What do you guys say? Is it ok that a guy whos been totally into you and just met 5 times suddenly cuts it of even if he obviously likes me? I'm so depressed and frustrated right now. I really hope I get to see him again, so we can clear up!! And what should i text him?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 I think you should focus on light stuff for now. Suggest something to do that he might like. Your message should not be about why he didn't contact you, what he's scared about. Instead, be light hearted and find something to tease him. You had a good time with him except when the serious conversation came up. So pick up where you left off. When he sees your email he might instantly think to hook up with you again or not. If you give him something about you to pique his curiosity. Right now I can't think of anything. But something which makes him think, "what is she doing right now?" "Does she still like me?"
If he doesn't respond he is a coward. I think women nowadays blame themselves too much when a guy disappear out of the blue. Being single isn't that bad of a thing. If being yourself means coming across as needy and obsessed about romance, and if being a guy means always feeling the need to be in control, always needing space, then maybe it's not worth it to fake in order to keep a relationship. A relationship would only work when a guy has a genuine interest to know what a real woman is, and not having to resort to games.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): It wasn't like I was asking him BIG questions at all. He was making a move and I didnt want to, and then he just went silent and distant, and I said I would prefer him to talk to me even if we didnt have sex, if not i might as well think he was just after sex. He said he understood, and that everybody is insecure in the start of the relationship, and that I needed to relax. but I think this "conversation" scared him. AND he is veeeery stressed about his exam coming up. So I guess it wasnt a great thing to do. But on the other hand; it's fine to understand mens nature like you obviously do, youwish, but I personally think in a relationship it should be kind of equal. That means a guy has to understand a womans nature a little bit as well:)For woman it's very important to feel safe, and I didn't at this point. That doesnt mean it has been like this all the time while dating. We have had a great chemistry all the time, and I don't think I came across as emotionally unstable or needy at all. And also I haven't contacted him at all in this examperiod wich has been over 2 weeks now. Being human means that you sometime can be scared and stressed out.. I think pretending as you are superwoman and hiding your emotions completely will just be fake. Because noone is this secure in a relationship. unless you are NOT in love with that person at all; then you can relax;) Besides; HE told me on the third date that he REALLY cared about me and liked me very very much, he talked about future plans, so I don't see why I shouldnt open up a little bit myself after a month.But I still don't know what to do. I don't understand how he could blow it of so quickly when we had this great chemistry and evertything went well. Too bad with his exam, because I guess I would have contaceted him before just to clear up if it had'nt been for that. I just don't understand how he can seem so into me and actually in love with me, and just blew it of the next second. I have a feeling if he just see me again, it will be ok again. What should I say in the text to optimize the chances to meet him again? Also when he told me that he didnt feel in love, I said I understood, and I didnt ask any question about it, and wasnt confronting. Was it wrong?
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (30 May 2011):
 without knowing exactly what questions you asked him, it's impossible to give good feedback. but my guess is that you probably asked questions about the relationship and quite possible probed a bit too much, or expressed feelings too quickly. honestly, it could be that you genuinely moved too fast with your feelings, or he may have met someone else who caught his attention, or he had an ex come back into the picture. it could be any number of things. if i were you, i'd give it a week and send him a text asking him how his exam went, and ask him if he'd like to get together. if he ignores you, you'll know you need to forget about him. if he responds and is interested in getting together, make plans and take it very slow. keep it casual for a while. good luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (30 May 2011):
 It sounds like you came across as too emotionally needy when you talked to him too early of feelings and insecurity. Emotionally needy also gives a message of clinginess that unfortunately does scare guys off.
This doesn't mean that they were only looking for sex. This simply means that confidence and emotional stability and low maintenance attracts them more than emotional neediness. It's kind of like telling someone that you're in love with then in the first two weeks. It's a bit off-putting.
I understand completely your desire not to have sex until there is an emotional connection. Bottom line - you can never rush an emotional connection. That's like baking a pot roast in 10 minutes. Doesn't happen. A good pot roast takes 4-8 hours for it to really get tender, juicy, and delicious.
Likewise, time spent in building a good foundation based on fun, adventure, and chemistry opens the door to getting to know someone better. Add that to common goals, common interests, and a very slow connection, and you've opened the door to fanning the flames of a budding love affair.
It's also imperative not to make a date feel like a therapist appointment where you dump all the emotional issues out. Again, that dampens a relationship way too early. Complaining and "venting" early does the same thing. That's not how to go about growing a relationship.
I think I might be disagreed with, but that's my take on it.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (30 May 2011):
I am thinking why the questions were scary. I guess it's because he doesn't have the answers for you. Sometimes when girls ask questions they are not looking for answers right away, they are just brain storming. He is afraid that because he doesn't know too much about love and relationships therefore he can't be the right man for you. Why questions are scary because they lead to more and more questions. Guys feel a fear that they can't answer them all, leaving you unsatisfied. Girls do better than men in the emotional department. Men didn't grow up learning to talk about emotions and feelings so when you ask him questions like these he feels inadequate. Well when you are in a relationship you have to talk about these things. People grow through exploring possibilities together. To expect that a relationship is all fun, relaxation, and comfort is just living in a lala land.
What you should do is just leave him alone so he might realize he's just overreacting. Check back with him a week later just to say hi. A guy who needs too much space is not good for you anyway.
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