A
female
age
41-50,
*eliciaHardy81
writes:My sister has been with her fiancé for 16 years. He helped my sister raise 3 of her children from another man. They then had a child together. Through the last few years, my sister has shared with me he has put his hands on her when he gets drunk. One time I took her to the hospital when he dislocated her jaw (on the anniversary of her daughter's death). I always tried to ignore the things he would do to her behind closed doors and in front of his family who would do nothing to stop him because she would say she was fine. He would spit in her face and break her phones, slam her head into walls, kick her when she's down, busted her ear drum and choke her until she'd nearly black out. Those are only a few of a long list. She only ever filed a police report once two years ago, I believe he sexually assaulted her but she never followed through. I had been cordial with him, letting him into my parents home. We've given him gifts even though he was abusing her just so he wouldn't hit her for not getting gifts. I confronted him alone twice last year. The first time I was clear on him not touching her again. No yelling, no attitude, just a conversation to which he agreed with me. Within the week, he put his hands on her and I called him in a rage. I told him not to come near my parents and I again. He no longer welcome in our home Among other curse words. That was over a year ago. I haven't spoken to him since nor have my parents. He's still with my sister and she swears up and down he's been so good to her, not fighting or getting drunk. Today my sister asked me "Can he come over for Christmas this year?" I told her no. She then asks what am I supposed to tell him that he's not allowed? My question is: should I let this man back into my parents home and resume contact? Should I forgive and forget?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (12 December 2020):
 The fact your sister is asking "What am I supposed to tell him?" would make me have strong suspicions he is still abusing her or, at the very least, she is still afraid he may abuse her.
In your shoes I would invite them all, including him, and be very polite and cordial towards him. Show him how civilised people behave. Lead by example. If you find yourself struggling, remind yourself this is a present FOR YOUR SISTER, take a deep breath and paste on that smile.
You already know you cannot force your sister to leave him. What you can do, however, is make it clear you are always there for her. Hopefully, if he is still abusing her, she will one day have the strength to leave him.
Wishing you all a pleasant Christmas.
A
female
reader, FeliciaHardy81 +, writes (11 December 2020):
FeliciaHardy81 is verified as being by the original poster of the question To HoneyPie & Code Warrior:
Thank you both so much for your input. You are both right.
This is her decision and has nothing to do with me or my parents. Yes, the children will be here as well and It is her decision to stay with him. It may affect her if he is not invited and the kids may feel weird if he is not present this year. My sister says he's changed and water is under the bridge again and that may be a lie on her part but that's what SHE chooses to live. She has lived with him for 16 years and still sees him as normal then so be it. I can fake a day. I suppose I can ignore him (I'll be cooking and cleaning the whole time any way) and pretend to laugh at his stupid jokes for a few hours. I can see it is making her feel uncomfortable because she has been asking me all this week why he can't come for Christmas. I should make it easier on her and just invite him for the kids sake.
Thank you both for your help and advice. You have lessened my anxiety and cleared my head. =)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2020): I am gonna tell you a true story.After the second world war my mother got married.The man she married was abusive to the way of beating her up.My Grandfather...My hero...Was very poor.He hopped trains thousands of miles and made it to my mother's house.Well let us say my grandfather evicted him out of the house with his fists.He stayed there to protect my mother.He got a job in her town so her mother could come to her because she was to good to hop trains and he wanted her to travel with a ticket.I love my grandpa he is a hero.Be like him be a hero.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 December 2020):
 Domestic violence is ugly, on all levels. Except, for the abuser.
You can't forget, so what is the use of pretending?
Forgive? No, I don't think you HAVE to forgive him either. Personally, I couldn't forgive any one who hurt a loved one.
Perhaps you can "fake it" for one day for your sister and her kids' sake. I would not go out of my way to be polite or even talk to him. He can sit there in silence for all I care. HE isn't important. The kids are, and you sister is.
I'm guess this is about power for him. If he can somehow MAKE you and your family see him, when he knows you all hate him. What a sick bugger.
Maybe your sister REALLY wants to see your all and her only "choice" is to have him come too. Have you asked her if she wants to come with the kids but leave him at home? Maybe he can go see HIS family...
My question is this, ARE the kids coming? If so I'd let them all come over, for the kids sake. They did nothing wrong and shouldn't be punished for HIS behavior. A behavior your sister feels compelled to "allow".
You sister needs help. Unfortunately she probably wouldn't take it as she thinks he is her only choice and for whatever reason she deserves it and he really doesn't mean it. It's hard. If in 16 years she hasn't left, I don't think she will. She is too busy pretending it's normal. That he is normal. To make excuses for him.
OR you can stick to your guns and let HER deal with it.
OR you can meet up at a NEUTRAL location and spend a little time.
Oh, and if the kids aren't coming, I'd use Covid as a great excuse for not having a get-together.
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