A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im not sure if I’m overreacting to the Xmas gifts. My gf and me don’t have much money yet she has spend her whole salary on Xmas gifts for family that do not care about her the rest of the year. I have not said anything. It’s her own money so she can do as she wishes. The only concern comes when we have zero events planned. I have not been asked to take any days off from work and we have no festive plans apart from the usual family on the day. I’m not sure if we are busy with work or she is not interested. I do not buy gifts for Xmas. I don’t mind the festivity aspect and enjoy the month as a whole. This has never been a problem before. I do highlight the fact that she’s in debt every January unless I bail her out which I don’t mind but I can’t do this forever. She was fine with it. She is dealing with it by using store cards and taking out credit cards. I’m not happy but again I don’t want an argument. Each year we do events but this year I feel like not mentioning it to see if she even bothers. I know she is low on money. I will be making effort and giving her nice surprise. After all she is the love of my life. My question to you all is: am I being a mug?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2020): I would ask myself why I feel the need to keep myself constantly busy? No wonder your feeling increasingly depressed. You are keeping busy in work or using friends to ‘take your mind off things’. I would suggest googling emotional avoidance. This can be very harmful. Avoiding your emotions and problems can have serious health consequences. They don’t go away - they only intensify. Emotions are there for a very important reason and are not to be ignored. It’s time to deal with your emotions and problems. If you are unhappy in your relationship then you have to deal with that. It may seem worse of to begin with but think of the future. I think you are more unhappy in your relationship then you are letting on. Love does not conquer all. You are holding onto your hopes of what you wanted the relationship to be rather than the reality. It took a couple of posts for you to admit it - but this is more than just money. You don’t feel close to your partner and to me seem quite lonely. Theres a disconnect between you and your partner due to incompatibilities. These problems will not go away by avoiding them. You will become unhappier. Always remember you are in charge of your own happiness. Only you can make yourself happy - no one else.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2020): I work 70+ hours to keep myself busy. When I have more spare time I waste chasing friends and other people. When I am working at least it pays me. I actually just got a salary increase due to hard work, highest I ever earned. But I still choose to work other jobs as it keeps me busy. I’ve realised it’s not helping though. I’m becoming increasingly depressed. I have friends but none of them care about anything other than themselves. So if I feel really bad one day, I can go meet them and be sure to have my mind taken off things as they will never ask me how I am so I will completely forget. Other than that I’m happy :) At this age in life you rely on your partner. I don’t feel close to her, and everyone’s responses confirm what I thought. It’s a shame, all those years, time, effort , money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2020): OP I’m concerned that you are working 74 hours a week!!!!That’s crazy - and to me unhealthy!!I live here in the UK just as you do, and on minimum wage working those hours you should have plenty of money to live on and not fall short. For yourself anyway. Especially if you say you are not materialistic. This makes me think you are also funding her extravagant lifestyle at other times and not just bailing her out at Christmas? I think you need to be honest with yourself here. You said yourself when you are short you ‘spend less on yourself’ - that clearly means that you spend whatever money you’ve got left on her! Everyone at times has a big expenditure they have to pay out for (as you said - boiler/car etc. That leaves most people short - that’s life unfortunately. But I have to ask if you two live together? If you do and your the only one paying out for these big things - then something is clearly wrong. Are you working those hours because you are paying for the two of you? If so that’s really unfair on you. If not and her and her family don’t understand that you may be short that particular month because of your car etc - then they have absolutely no idea about money. It wouldn’t surprise me if your girlfriend is telling them things behind your back about you being ‘tight with money’ etc when she doesn’t get her way and you don’t buy her what she wants. I don’t believe that her family and friends would believe that if they knew the full story. They only know what she is telling them. And that I’m afraid is that ‘you are tight’. She sounds spoiled to me and she doesn’t understand the value of money and doesn’t appreciate how hard you work to make that money. She is un-great full and doesn’t respect you. Christmas is all about presents when you are a kid. When you become an adult it becomes about spending time with family and friends. If I had to choose between getting lots of presents but not having dinner with my family or no presents and having dinner with my family - I would choose the latter. I think most adults would. What do you think she would choose? She is very materialistic and doesn’t appreciate how hard you work. Is that what you really want for your relationship? You work hard for your money and can spend (or not spend it on whatever you like. But then she has the cheek to call you miserable for it? She can comment on how you spend your money - but if you make a comment you get called miserable??? Double standardsYou can do better!
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (15 December 2020):
 You're right when you say that you can't keep bailing her out forever. You absolutely cannot afford to. The two of you are very financially incompatible... Meaning, you do not mesh well financially... Meaning, she could very well ruin your life by ruining your finances down the line. Sure, it doesn't matter now while you're dating but trust me, it will matter when you're married. Her bad credit will be your bad credit too. Any moves you're thinking of making in the future with regards to growth and financial freedom; forget them. She's going to drag you down, man.
She's incredibly irresponsible, financially speaking and it's only going to get worse for you. You have a right to say no. You have a right to put your foot down. Yes it's her money but her financial irresponsibility costs you every January. That's when it stops being a HER problem and it starts being a YOU problem. At this point, she probably feels entitled to your help each January. It's the luxury that you've afforded her. She needs to learn to live within her means. She needs to learn to budget, save and invest. She can't depend on your good graces forever.
The two of you need to have a very serious talk about finances. Statistics put the divorce rate at over 50%, with finances being the main reason for divorce among the 50%. You might want to think about that fact.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2020): Thank you for the replies. It’s her Aunty or friends that make it worse. They find me miserable for asking about finances. The thing is, I have also had to pay out for things for example when a Boiler breaks down or my car does not work. It has to have a lot of money spent in a lump sum to get back to normal life. This sometimes leaves me with less money and I often find budget by spending less on myself. I work 74 hours per week (just work out how many days that is it’s 7 days in two jobs) yet I still just about recovered. But because I don’t celebrate materialistic values of Xmas I feel like I’m left out because it’s my choice to work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2020): You are a mug. And you do it because you are scared to lose her if you say no. Believe me she would not be a loss, you would be far better off without her. She will end up ruining you financially eventually if you stay together.I had a husband like this years ago. He now lives in a tatty caravan with a lot of debts, I live in a lovely big house I paid for cash. No way was he going to drag me down with him and no way was I going to drag him up to my level.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2020): She is a grown woman and can spend her money on what she likes - that is totally her choice and you have no say in it! However, financial incompatibilities can wreak havoc on long term relationships and marriages. Say down the line you two move in together or get married. You would have more say in her finances as you will both have different financial responsibilities. This will become a frequent argument putting strain on your relationship. Also you could have trouble buying/renting a house if she is in debt or moving house if you already live together. On top of other finances (cars etc). You are already bailing her out every January. You don’t think this could escalate? What else in life would you be bailing her out from? She prefers to spend her money on material things. Whereas you prefer to spend your money on events and time spent with her. This will cause issues down the line. You can attempt to rain her in a bit. Not by telling her how to spend her money. But by not bailing her out when she needs it. People only treat you how you let them treat you. If you keep bailing her out she will keep doing it as she knows she can get away with it. She needs to learn financial independence or she could eventually get herself and maybe you into debt. She needs to learn her lesson. However as you have already said this to her - she has resorted to store/credit cards. This is debt waiting to happen. She is spiralling and clearly has no idea about finances and could be on her way to serious financial ruin. Which in turn could effect you. Maybe she won’t get herself into debt, but the arguments alone from this if you marry can be catastrophic.You may love her and are worried about her being angry with you if you do this. But it’s for her own sake too. And while it’s generous spending lots of money on others, people need to live within their means. I think you two are not as compatible as you think. You have different ideas on how to spend money. As you have no chains to her as such at the minute (marriage etc) it doesn’t affect your separate finances too much at the moment. Just think of the future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2020): I agree with you it is a big dilemma that we have to suffer every Xmas when we have a big family and friends around us and we are low on cash but unfortunately there is no escape. Unless you stage a fight and break up with her then you don't have to spend any money otherwise it is a Labour of love we all have to endure. Merry Xmas.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (10 December 2020):
 Also..
Forgot to mention. SHE can spend HER money as she wants. If she goes into debt over Christmas presents to her family, THAT is her choice and HER responsibility to pay off.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 December 2020):
You ask... am I being a mug?
If you keep bailing her out every January? Yes.
It's not YOU responsibility to bail her out when she gets in debt. Especially for present to people who doesn't give a single F about her, or... you. I can see helping out financially if there is an emergency (like she needs a root-canal or car broke down and she doesn't have the full amount saved to fix it) I would however EXPECT her to pay you back. She is your GF, not your wife. You have absolutely NO responsibility for HER or HER debt.
Her being "the love of your life" doesn't mean you HAVE to bail her out, that only ENABLE her to continue making BAD financial choices. Don't you think?
YOU can plan something this year. Something that YOU can afford to DO for you both but without going over the top, do something AFFORDABLE.
Instead of bailing her out, I would put that money (of yours) in a savings account. That way if you OR her have any emergencies you have a poll of money to draw from). I would also MAKE sure she understands that you CAN NOT bail her out every January. You are NOT doing her any favors by doing so.
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