A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for 5 months he is very passionate and lovey dovey. I like it I'm that way too. But one night he was over and we got into an arguement about him going to a party without me. I told him if he goes without me than i'll go to another party without him and he punched the wall and left a hole. I made him leave and have not talked to him in 3 days he has left messages saying sorry that he lost his temper and it would not happen agian. He says he loves me and he would never hurt me he was just jelous that I would go to a party without him. Do you think I should call him back or that I should let him go because he may be possessive? I like him but I refuse to be abused in any way. Thanks for reading and for any adive you can give Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (12 October 2011):
 Trust me if someone is openly possessive then they are bad to date. He will hit you or he will make you miserable but he will definitely do 1 of the 2 at the very least.
A
male
reader, rolfen  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 That is all very nice but don't forget that when he punched the wall he was probably the one the most in pain, and won't you be insensitive and think about him a bit, too, and try to help him.You know I did that yesterday and my knuckle hurts. What I absolutely hate the most is how everyone goes around saying bad bad bad, when it's my knuckle that's red and swollen. I mean I punched the wall, and I did not get a "how are you"... "why did you punch the wall".... "are you ok? Do you need help?".No, it seems all people are interested in is taking my girlfriend away. Well you know what, if someone punched the wall, I'd ask them what's wrong with him, and try to help him
...............................
A
male
reader, buster87  +, writes (24 January 2009):
be upset with him becasue he is possesive, because going to a party alone only makes ur raltionship stronger, as u appreciate what u hav more, when drunken guys come an talk to you. however, dont be angry with him for punching the wall. men deal with their anger in different ways than women, and just because he hit a wall, dsnt mean he would every hit you. just becasue u wouldnt do it, dsnt mean he would....
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2008): Brilliant, a wonderfull compromise and if you both get help with your issues even better. You are one smart lady, and I wish you all the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2008): Thanks for the advice This is the poster but I did not want to become a member because this is my friends computer. Anyway I told him that if he paid to get the hole in my wall fixed I would allow him to take me to lunch. He had it fixed and we talked. I told him he needs to work out his anger issues and he agreed. I told him if this happens agian i'm gone. He understands. His mom told me that he breaks stuff when he is angry. He is wiiling to go to counsling for it. He is a boxer and says punching the bag a while helps him deal with stress. Just not my walls! LOL I think he can change if not he knows it's over I also have 5 big brothers he dose not want to anger! LOL. Thanks for all the advice I know i'll be fine I also need to work on my own jealousy issues so me and my guy will do it together. Thanks agian I'll be ok if it works out or not i'm strong. bye
...............................
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 June 2008):
You say you like the fact that he's passionate... this is just part of that. He feels emotions strongly whether it's in the bedroom in a positive way or in a negative way at walls.
You can't have it only one way. All men have anger in them. Some have more than others.
I think you need to be careful this passion doesn't escalate further and perhaps chill out about letting eachother go out alone, I mean if there is so little trust that that is a far bigger problem than wall punching.
Make him pay for the hole to be repaired and talk to him about your trust issues.
Good Luck!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Right. I'm going to disagree with most of the others.
Of course you need to be cautious, because this man has a serious aggressive streak. But many people are like that, and it doesn't have to be a problem for you. The fact that he punched the wall as an outlet for his anger is a very good sign - he knows he has a problem and he channelled that aggression away from you.
If you care for him and he cares for you, then you can help him to handle, control and channel his anger and aggression. And you always have the option to walk away at any time you feel it's not working and that you might be at risk.
I hope he paid to have the hole in the wall repaired?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): If he can go out alone then so can you.
His display of temper is upsetting, but is a valid form of release for somebody who is trying to control their temper. Like others have said, I would give him another chance, but demand the relationship be one of total equality. If he continues to display signs of agression or his control/possessiveness raises to levels that you feel uncomfortable with then finish the relationship and cut all contact with him.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 I think the danger flag is that he has double standards.
It is okay for him to go to a party alone but not for you to do the same.
Just the wall punch, well it depends on how it was done. It can be very aggressive if you were against said wall and he punched it just centimeters away from your head. If it was just a wall well away from you and not with the message "this could have been you" then it is just aggressive behavior BUT under control.
Him wanting to party alone is not that bad either. Yeah you have to wonder why you can't come along, that is what being a couple is all about after all but denying you the chance to do the same. BIG RED FLAG.
What amazes me and tells me that the sexual revolution never happened is that you didn't even spot this yourself. It ain't possessiveness, it is trying to control you. A possessive guy would want you WITH HIM all the time. He wouldn't go out alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, Sophia_Sweetheart +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Oh sweetie, this isn't a good sign. I'm sure he's sorry, and people do make mistakes and deserve a second chance, but this could be a very big red flag. It may start out as this and then develop into something more aggressive next time, maybe even to you. Be careful sweetheart!
...............................
A
male
reader, anathaniel  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 Hi There,
Though men are occasionally prone to aggressive displays, I can already see some warning signs here.
If he wanted to go out to a party without you, what's the big deal? Lots of my male friends who are married or in relationships feel the need to do things or have fun by themselves, and since this is the first time in 5 months, I don't see why you should have a problem with it.
Now, he confessed that he was jealous that you would go to a party without him while he was all set to go out without you. This gives me the feeling that your boyfriend may become possessive as your relationship progresses. Well, I think it may be worth giving him a chance but be wary of building possessiveness.
Ok- Punching a hole in the wall. This worries me. This usually points to violence as a form of expression, but again, you haven't had this trouble in the 5 months that you have been together. I'd say give him another chance, but if more holes appear in the walls, you'll have to let him go.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2008): Please, Please, Please, Please let this male go....Notice, I didn't say MAN, because a true man would never hit a hole in the wall. This guy need to mature for a while, as in a year or two. A true gentleman would never treat a lady that way. God Bless. I will pray for you situation.
...............................
|
