A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I hope there is some advice you guys can offer me. Ive been with my boyfriend now for nearly 2 years. We were kind of set up at a party and one thing lead to another. We really began to like each other. After 3 months of meeting. He asked me out. Things were good. I lived alone so he stayed quite often. We were together with an amazin relationship for about 14 months. In april this year he had officially moved into mine (we'd spoke about it for ages) he paid half the rent (we both worked) and we were fine. But gradually things have got worse. He got his feet under the table well and truly. He started doing coke. He drinks a lot. And hes quit his job. He says he doesnt see why he should work when he can get more from the benefit system! Hes so annoying. He used to be so nice. Hes stopped paying me rent. Hes stopped buying anything.. In july we argued and he punched me in the face! I didnt retaliate i just walked away. He come home that night drunk and he beat me up. I ended up in hospital with 3 broken ribs and i had internal bruising. And a broken jaw. I finished him and kicked him out. He was round at mine every night. Refused to leave. Squared up to me everytime i saw him. He claimed he'd change and i took him back. For about a week he was perfect. Then again he attacked me drunk. He threw a tv remote into my face and grabed me by the neck! He hits me regularly and he lies none stop! My family dont have a clue. But my sister does. She knows everything! Hes going away to amsterdam with his 'badboys' for the new year! I cant bare to be with him any longer. I found out in september im pregnant. Im nearly 5 months gone now. Luckily if i wear hoodies im not showing too much. Hes not got a clue. The only person who knows is my sister. She lives nearly 40 miles away from me. Shes been a gem. Listened to me and been there. She has a spare bedroom and has told me to wait till he goes away. Explain everything to my landlord and hand the house over. Tell him to change the locks. Then i move in with my sister. (telling my whole family everything) and do a runner. Id have to change my nunber/email address. Quit my job.. Move to a different town! Im scared. I dont know what else to do. Living with this man is the worst feeling. Hes forced me to have sex on my period. He cuts up my clothes if he doesnt like then. Checks my phone. Locks the door and takes the key if he goes out. He doesnt let me eat most things. Cos he says ill look rediculous fat. Hes 11 years older than me and twice my height. I genuinely dont know what to do. Should i follow my sisters plan? I cant get away without him knowing any sooner?! :'( pleasee xxxx
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male
reader, BigSambo  +, writes (10 December 2010):
OMG, get away from this SOB. YES listen to your sister and do exactly what she suggested. You can report him to the police before he goes with his friends and have him arrested so he knows what it is like to be punished. Do not feel bad for him and make sure that the legal system keeps him away from you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): The answer is simple. Go to your sister. No question about it. It is very important you get completely away from this man. Are the police aware of any of his violence to you because of your hospital stay? If needs be you may have to get a restraining order so he can not contact you. But, dear girl, leave as soon as is possible to safely. The sad truth is that girl's in your situation sometimes end up dead. He has hospitalized you once with nasty injuries. Take very great care of yourself.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 December 2010):
 KC has given you all the answer, and advice you need. Listen to her, and to your sister!
Good luck to you and your little one!
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 December 2010):
 I agree with your sister - her plan sounds like your best option and you need to get away from him.
You have to think of your baby's wellbeing now, and it is not safe for you to be around this man. You should really report him to the police for domestic violence and rape - however I can understand if you dont want to, and realistically the main priority is for you to get away from him, so having to have more contact through the police & court may not be in your best interests. The police can obviously protect you, but if you say he has a group of 'badboys' which I presume are his friends, then I would worry they might try and come after you for pressing charges against their friend. The decision to go to the police needs to be entirely up to you - I can understand why you might not want to because of your own safety, but then again men like this need to be in prison so they cannot go on to hurt any more women. Have a think about it.
But for now, start getting ready to leave and go to your sisters. I know it is a little while to wait until New Years but it is only 3-4 weeks now, and that is not long in the grand scheme of things. I presume because you lived alone before your boyfriend moved in, that the house you live in is in your name and your boyfriend is not on the tenancy agreement (contract)? If the house is yours and yours alone - contact your landlord now and give him a month's notice that you are leaving. You dont want to get into trouble by not following your contract properly, and as much as your landlord wont want to see you get hurt again he will still only be thinking about money in his pocket so if you leave the house and it breaks your contract - then there may be problems.
So dig out your contract - is it a 6 month contract? An annual one? Or can you leave with just a month's notice? Hopefully it is a month's notice, so call your landlord right away and give him the date you will be leaving. Explain the situation to him so he might be a bit more flexible on dates. Ask him to have the deposit forwarded to your sister's address - but bear in mind this is risky as your boyfriend may threaten the landlord and get the address out of him. So if you have a friend's address you can trust, or other family members - then get the deposit forwarded to there.
After you have sorted everything out with your landlord, hand in your notice at work and in private, explain everything to your boss. I dont know where you work, but is there a possibility of a transfer? Maybe they have a store/office etc in your sister's area? But still, you need to hand in your notice and inform work when you will be leaving, so you dont annoy them just by upping and leaving one day - this way you will keep them happy and get a good reference off them which will help you get your next job.
Start to make a list of all your details that require your address - like bank accounts, credit cards, store cards, mobile phone company, any loyalty cards like Tesco clubcard and boots advantage cards etc. Start the process of changing the addresses to your sister's address, leaving your bank and telephone until last.
Also, inform your doctor and midwife if you have one yet. They will need to transfer your records and get you set up at a doctor's in your sisters town, and it is important you do this so you can make sure you have access to healthcare for you and your baby once you get there. You dont want to be waiting for months, especially when you are getting towards the latter stages of your pregnancy.
But be careful - try not to do too much online because he may be able to check your computer history. Any phone calls you make - delete them from your phone as soon as you hang up that way he cannot find them if he does check your phone. Be on your guard at all times - but make sure you do get started on this process now in order to get things moving properly.
I know this will be really scary but leaving is the best thing to do, and your sister has a good plan for you here. Be brave, stick out these last couple of weeks and at least you know you will have a fresh start in the new year.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010): Apart from jobs being hard to come by, this plan of your sister's sounds ideal as you would be too far away for him to come and hit you, threaten you or whatever.
Failing that, you could contact the police and have an injunction against him, which means he is not allowed to go to your home.
The idea of changing the locks is also a very good one. I am so pleased you have such a supportive sister.
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