A
female
age
36-40,
*weet_bella
writes:Ok, Agony Aunts, I'm completely torn. 4 years ago, when I was 18, I met a guy online. It was casual, we were just friends at the time, but there was an obvious mutual attraction. We are in a very complicated situation because he is in the Coastal and we live on different coast; him being on the west, while I am on the east. We will lose contact for months then reconcile later.He had disappeared for 2 years due to sailing at sea. I was completely devastated, worried and confused- just completely out of it, because I didn’t know how he was, etc. However, a year later he contacted me, and everything just fell back into place, but I was seeing someone. When I told him that, he was hurt. In our last conversation, he told me he loves me. I didn’t believe him, I felt like he was "just" saying it. Then we lost touch again. Earlier this year, we started chatting again. Phone convo, texting, video chat, you name it, and everything seems to fall back in place; just a natural flow of a loving couple. Then he said, {lol I remember the words}, " [My name], I'm going to make a promise to you. It doesn’t matter if we're together or just friends, but from this day on, I’m never leaving you again". Immediately after he said that, I broke down and got all emotional. Because that was always my fear with him; loving someone that will always leave. and I understand that the Coastal takes him places, so who am I to object that. So anyways, we started to talk in dept and confessing our feelings for each other. He told his reasons why he said "I love you" [last year]. It was his way of holding on to me. He felt like he was losing me, and he didn’t know how to control it. He knew it was wrong to say it, without meaning it, because I made it pretty obvious that I was in love with him. And that [this year] he was afraid to say it again, because he knew I didn’t believe him when he said it the first time. So he was intimidated, because he feared that when he truly means it, I wouldn’t believe him. But I do.He realized this, when he was able to accept the fact that I was seeing someone. That saying when you truly love someone, you let them go. That’s how I feel I should do with him. Because there’s plenty of opportunity out there for him; he joined the Coastal right out of high school. I’d hate to regret that feeling that I took all that away from him. I just want to be with him! But I’ll feel soo selfish. Ya know what I mean?!Here’s my problem, I’m still with the guy I told you about. I'm not in love with him, but I feel there’s potential. Honestly, this guy is such a great guy, but to me just my safety net, or something to “fall back on” and I hate the fact that I think of him like this. My heart belongs to the guy in the Coastal, but he’s stationed on the other side of the world. I don’t want and I’m afraid of a LDR, because it’ll be selfish of me. Somehow I’ll feel like I’m holding him back, and I’ve told him that. He also does not want that either because he does not want to want to hurt me anymore. He does not want to jeopardize what I have with this guy, and he doesn’t want to put through me that damage.It’s like we both want the best for each other, when our hearts desires each other. So here's my question, should I follow my heart or stick with the "potential"? Not really a question that should be answered by you guys, but I’d greatly appreciate your input, outlook, etc. I just would like an outside perspective. Sorry about the essay. lol P.S He's just 23, and recently got back into the states. So, I’d want him to go "test the waters" before he commits to something like this, moreover LDR. Even though I’ve told him this, he always says "I want you to tie me down" hehe but I don’t know; just think it’s selfish on my part. and it’s so funny because he feels like he’s doing the same to me. Am I making sense to anyone? Anyone out there who has felt like this or been in this predicament? HELP!?!?!?!/
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female
reader, Sweet_bella +, writes (8 July 2011):
Sweet_bella is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you all so much, for your advices. But I need to clear some things up.
My parents raised me not to depend on anyone, moreover a man. So I have a great background and career going for me.
First off, these two men are sweethearts.
With the Coastal guy, keep in mind, he’s young and not completely mature, which Is why I’m hesitant to act on my feelings for him. I wasn’t necessarily chasing after him. I just couldn’t control my feelings whenever I was around him. When I said it was “pretty obvious” I meant that an observer could just I was head over heels in love. My fault is that I dive head first with this guy. I didn’t tell him how I felt until this year, which he said he already knew.
I understand where you’re coming from; that was my immediate reaction when he said it at first. But then, I started to think on it, {Yeah, I know I’m being too analytical, but I can’t help it lol}. I started to see it from his point of view. It’s like if you’ve had a chance at something, but it’s gradually deteriorating, wouldn’t you try to save that chance?! Granted, he could of have done something better, but at least he made an effort. With him being not mature enough, I question whether he’s able to commit, or be able to handle our situation. I already know the answer to that, which is why I haven’t act upon my feelings for him.
There’s a danger factor, you’re right. He’s not a dangerous man, and I’m defiantly not doing this for thrills. But just the fact that I’m in love with someone that will never work out is dangerous. I know how this story will end, but yet, every single time he pops back in my life, I just keep falling.
Last year, I met my boyfriend around the same time the Coastal said the “I love you’s”. At that time we were just casually dating. After that I didn’t see or spoke to either men because I needed space and time. We became official 8 months later. When the Coastal guy came back into my life this year, I told him everything. I didn’t want to “string him along” or toy with him, because that’s just wrong. At first, he wasn’t ok with it, obviously and I ended the relationship. Months later, he was in an accident and I rushed back into his life. I needed to take care of him. We’re not together but it feels like we are still together. We have a very platonic bf-gf relationship going on here. I’ve told him that it’s not fair for him, till I’m over this Coastal guy, but yet he still wants to “help” me get over him.
This has been something that’s been bottled up for so long. I don’t want to hurt either of them, so I had to talk to both men last night. I’ve told them both, if they want to be in my life, vice versa, but only as friends, we’d have to respect each other boundaries & keep this strictly platonic. I hope at the end of the day, this works out, because despite our messy situation, I deeply care for these two men.
A
female
reader, sappygirl +, writes (8 July 2011):
 I understand your predicament. Honestly, I feel you are thinking too much into this. You are only 22. You have your whole life ahead of you to discover. I've been in your shoes at your age, wondering who I should choose and be with ect. I wish someone told me that I should not waste my time thinking about these guys and focus more on myself. Get my education, career, and life together before I give my heart to some guy who may or may not love me til the end.
I know you may not want to hear what I'm about to say, but I feel that sometimes, our hearts and feelings deceive us. Someone who makes our heart flutter and we think we cannot live without is actually someone who is not good for us at all. Maybe you have strong feelings for this guy because he's a little dangerous and it gets your emotions and passion fired up. Whatever the case, that doesn't mean that it's love. OR that it's strong enough to build a lasting foundation.
I already see some "red flags" with the coastal guy. Real men don't tell someone they love them without meaning it in their hearts. He told you just to hold on to you. That was very manipulative. You mentioned that you declared your love for him too..you said "I made it pretty obvious that I was in love with him".. So basically, you were chasing him.
Trust me when I say that no relationship last when it's the women chasing the men.
It has to be the man that fights for your love. He is only 23, he is not ready to settle down. Men are not ready until their 30's. (that's my opinion)
As for your boyfriend now, you say you are not in love with him. That is very selfish of you to string him along, have him around until someone better comes along.
You need to forget about the coastal guy and focus on the relationship you have now because your bf deserves that.
If you cannot give your all, then you need to end it so that he can be with someone that can give him the love he deserves.
Sounds to me that you are afraid to be alone and always has to make sure that someone is waiting in the sidelines before you end things.
You have to question this because this is not healthy and not fair to who you are with.
If i were you, I would forget about both guys. Be alone for at least two year, date but don't get in any serious relationship. By doing this, you will learn a lot about yourself so that you can find a mate that is right for you for the future.
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A
male
reader, plasmoid  +, writes (8 July 2011):
You don't have to go completely in one direction.What do you think would happen if you went to see him for a week(or vice-verse)? Would it work out well, would it be awkward? It might be worth trying this, it would really help you decide if you love him. The phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" comes to mind. Being apart helps people forget their flaws and remember their plusses. Some concentrated time together would help.LDR relations take a ton of work, I have known exactly one couple who could do it. They're both engineers(read weirdos) and radically different personalities. They also see each other frequently, and spend months together at a time before one of them jets of to Germany or whatever. Try spending some actual time together. But be prepared that it's best to pursue other options.
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A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (8 July 2011):
hi i would follow your heart and go with the one you really want to be with otherwise in years to come you will regret you stayed with the other one just because your comfortable with him and i the long run you will both end up getting hurt good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): Have you ever actually met in person with this long distance internet man? If you haven't then it's pure fantasy - either way has you on a string - playing youFocus on your real boyfriend or find another you do genuinely care about and set your 'safety net' freeOh and don't have anymore contact with internet man as it will more than likely end in just sex, tears or both
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A
female
reader, Claraw1  +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Hi there, i understand exactly what you mean. I have been in this situation myself with a guy and ended up losing contact with him because I wanted the best for him and didn't think that what I could offer was enough. After a number of years I contacted him again thinking that my feelings would have changed which they hadn't and neither had his. For both of us we had been terribly unhappy in life without each other, and now we have come to realise that although it can be extremely difficult in a LDR, it's harder to not be with each other at all so now we are working to be together permanently. It is a hard situation, and only you know the right answer for you, I hope you find the answer you need. I chose the safer option before, mostly because I didn't want him to lose anything for me, I found that safe isn't always the best option, by losing each other we lost everything that mattered. I hope that my story may help you in a small way, and if I can be of any more help to you please let me know, I would be more than happy to help if I can. I know how you are feeling and I wish the best of luck and all the happiness.
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