A
male
age
41-50,
*ost in love11
writes:hello all, need ur help. About 3 months ago I left my wife cause of infedality issues with her (not me). I work at a hospital and there was this one woman who i had taken a liking to. We started seeing eachother and it turned into more than I had wanted at the time. Now I am back home with the wife and cant seem to get this woman out of my heart. I feel I should have never came back home and she (the woman) feels the same way. I know im in love with her (the woman) and I know its unfair to my wife to feel this way about another woman. My wife has hurt me in more ways than I could ever imagine, but I still feel guilty for feeling this way. Question is, should I follow my heart and try to rescue what me and this woman had or try to stick it out with the wife? We do have 2 kids together and 1 that was hers from a previous fling she had, i have raised him since he was 1 month old and he is 12 now. Any help would be appreciated so I can see it at all angles thank you. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): For one thing, your wife had a fling and ended up pregnant and then cheated on you again. How much more emotional torture are you willing to put yourself through with your wife? Leave her! After gttying impregnated by another man's child and you raising it - and then cheating again must be devastating for you.Whatever you do, just leave your wife there is no good reason for you to stay.
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (2 July 2009):
 Never make a life changing decision on a rebound particularly one as brief as yours. The high you receive from a new partner you connect with after the pain of an affair and separation is often out of proportion to the reality of a longer term relationship. First carefully assess your existing relationship to see if there is any serious possibility of recovery, may need getting some professional assistance. Let the new partner know what you are doing and if you do decide to leave do it without the expectation of having the new person in your life just in case this relationship unexpectedly fizzles, that way you will keep your feet firmly on the ground.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): In my opinion, this relationship that you have with this new woman is not based on true love, becouse as you mentioned its started after infedality issues with your wife. I think in this situstion,its too soon for you to plan a new relationship.
on the other hand, your wife and kids have feelings and its really unfair to quit them for a crush and also heart breaking.
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A
female
reader, AngellicaWaters +, writes (2 July 2009):
 It's probably not the best thing that you dated someone else so soon after leaving your wife. The best thing would have been not to date so soon after a breakup and not to date at all until you are divorced. YOu seem like a pretty honorable person and this would be the more honorable choice. Also, this would be easier on your heart and mind and far less confusing.
Having said that it obviously doesn't change your situation. You believe you are in love with another woman, yet you still feel a sense of loyalty towards your wife and children.
What you feel for this other woman though may be just a result of your hurt feelings and rebounding from your wife. But given the fact that your wife has has 2 affairs now, it may not be the wisest move on your part to remain with her. You should absolutely still spend time with the children (even the one that is not yours).
But it may not be the wisest idea to rush into something new with this woman again. When ever you have a broken relationship, it's good to give yourself some time and space to grieve the relationship and truly let go (then this decision wouldn't be so confusing for you).
I would suggest asking this woman to just be your friend for now. Don't see her socially or outside of work, talk on the phone with her once a week for a limited amount of time and set some limits to what you talk about (keep it platonic).
Put some distance between you two for a little while so that you can handle things on your own. If you two really do love one another and it's not just a rebound, your relationship will stand the test of time. And if she can't respect you needing distance and time for yourself, then you may have found another woman who may not be the healthiest in a relationship with you.
Get things in order when you have this time to yourself, file for divorce, reassure the children that this doesn't mean that you won't be there for them and spend lots of time with them so they know you mean it... Kids take divorce very hard and they will really need you and your time.
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A
female
reader, eliz1958 +, writes (2 July 2009):
If you stay you will never be happy. There comes a point in a marriage where there is nothing to be done buy go your own separate ways. Seriously, do you think you will never ever see the woman you really love again? Life is too short to be unhappy. Please go and be with the woman who truly makes you happy. I wish you the best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2009): I'm sorry, man, but I don't think you've given us enough to work with. Your wife was unfaithful, so you left her. You started seeing someone else, but went back to your wife. You have children to think of.
Seems to me that you have to first figure out what's up with your wife. She went with someone else? Where is she at? Is she sorry? Does she want to move on, or is she trying to make things right with you? You have to get that sorted out. If she can make things right, you've got to put the kids first. Regardless of where the first kid came from, all three see you as their father.
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