A
female
age
30-35,
*ucy.whittaker
writes:Hi All,Okay, so the situation I'm in. I'm in a relationship with a gorgeous, successful 25 year old man who lives back home in London. He's perfect for me and I can see us making a life for eachother, we have the same goals and ideals. He makes me really, very happy.The only problem is that I'm at university 4 hours away, and we only get to see eachother for one weekend a month. While we didn't think this was going to be a problem at first, I'm starting to feel the pressure. There are a number of reasons for this. My first is that my friendship group has broken down and I've been left with only a few close friends in Wales, all who have partners and spend most of their time with them. This has led to me feeling quite lonely and isolated for much of the time.The second is that I’ve joined a new university team, and the captain, Jack, and I have become quite close friends. I admit to being attracted to him, but I didn’t think of our friendship in that way until the other night. We were out on a team social and Jack and I were on our own talking for a while. When he went off to the loo his friend came over to be and told me to be careful, that she thought I shouldn’t be friends with him that it might hurt him. I didn’t really understand, because I was a bit drunk. When he walked me home that night and came in for a cup of tea (all totally normal, he always makes sure I get home okay as he lives very close) we were talking like normal about sailing plans for the weekend. When we were sat on the sofa there was a gap in the conversation and when I looked he was looking really intensely and after a moment leaned in. Drunkenly I kissed him back, and we went upstairs. We didn’t sleep together, just kissed and fell asleep. We’ve spoken again like normal since and kind of pretend that nothing happened.I’m feeling really mixed about it. Of course I feel awful for it happening in the first place, but even worse because I sort of want it to happen again. I can’t work out why though. Whether it’s because I like him or because I’m lonely and I like the company. I can kind of guess that it’s the later, but I don’t know if this relationship is going to work the next two years that I’m at university. I want to be with him so much, and to live with him when I get back to London. I just don’t know if I can do the long distance, I feel so lonely. I’m just not sure it’s worth sacrificing long term happiness for something that will make me feel better in the short term. Or am I too young to be thinking about a long term relationship?Please help, I’m feeling very confused.Lucy xxx
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female
reader, Bella555  +, writes (27 November 2010):
Hi Lucy,
Long distance relationships are really arduous, as you're discovering. While dealing with the limitations and frustrations of a LDR myself, I received some sage advice from a colleague who been in one also, and survived the distance portion of the relationship to reunite with his girlfriend. He told me that the relationship is kind of "on hold" while you're away from each other, but not over or neutralized. You must honor its parameters, but don't let loneliness, missed calls, or miscommunication cause anxiety--there's an answer for everything, and it will come with time and trust.
Seems you're ready to wander, but you've brought up the crux of the issue in the background info of your question--should I have a quick treat now to sate myself, or await the banquet that may last a lifetime? That begs the question of what you truly want, and only you can answer that. Do both you and Jack a favor and don't toy with him or use him as a surrogate--only go for him if you really like him and are willing to sacrifice your boyfriend in the process.
Is your boyfriend feeling similar pangs of loneliness? Maybe the two of you need to have a talk, but I would not bring up Jack at this stage at all. Are you traveling back to London for these visits, or is it the other way around? You say your boyfriend is successful, has he the resources to come see you at other times and mix things up a bit?
I hope you can work this out, good luck!
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (27 November 2010):
 If you feel like you can't do the long distance then you can't. LDRs are hard and they're not for everyone.
I suggest you stay single and engage in perfectly casual dating..keep it as friends with him, stay in contact. Also, explain to him that you can't do a LDR..it's not for you. But you would love to reconnect with him when you get back home. Go ahead and have your fun in uni, this is the best years of your life. No need to have it being spent lonely when you have plenty of men on campus. :)
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