A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A while ago I met a great guy after 3 years of being single. It took me along time to get over my marriage to my previous husband and spent my single time having fun and enjoying life and trying to repair any damaged caused from that marriage.Im now with this great guy, with whom I have an amazing relationship. We speak about everything we are very honest and dont hide anything from each other. We both learned from ouor previous relationships how to be understanding open minded and honest with eachother. So far this has worked amazingly. He works away on a rotation and we keep in contact via skype while he is away. Although the distance can be hard when were apart for a few weeks the relationship is pretty much perfect we fit in to eachothers lives great. So this time away we discussed that we will move together in december we have reserved a little puppy and plan to start building our new life together. Both of us are perfectly happy.So all looking good I have a phone call from him telling me his ex wife emailed and wants to meet him. From the begining I always said I had no problems with them being in touch. But after she found out about me she called him calling him all sorts of names. So to me this appears shes still a little raw about him moving on, which is normal. So I said to him i think its to soon for them to be friends. All issues with their divorce are being handled with solicitors and he wants no contact with her. He doesnt want to see her either. The first email stated something had happened and she needs to see him, he asked her what was up, she replied saying its not urgent but when he is back she wants to meet up. So he called her to find out exactly what was up. Apparently she was startled and not sure what to say and basically said she wont discuss it via email or phone,,, its nothing to do with his new relationship and its just she doesnt want to pay money to solicitors to discuss it. Normally I would be ok with this but after the phone call the first time and the fact her email states something has just happened, but then she says she doesnt want to use solicitors to discuss it... I mean anything that just happened has nothing to do with their marriage. They have been apart siz months and have no children. I kknow from personal experience when I left my husband I wasnt happy when he moved on and i wanted my man back and i did it by emailing him then meeting him. She has been on my facebook apparently and sees all our plans etc and this has possibly upset her. So now I have it private.He has been very good about the situation, asking me to help him with the emails and has been very honest about it. Im not a jealous person but my instinct is telling me that I should be wary. I dont live where he lives and he will be home for 9 days before he comes to see me. I think she will just appear at his place. Should I feel threatened, how should i deal with this? I know he wont go back to her but I dont want her trying either. Hes quite a gentle character and wont just tell her to F**k off. Do I stay out of this, or do I mark my territory? were are very happy and building a life together. New home new life and alot is involved. I don't want this woman interfering in our relationship. Its already upsetting me.We have both agreed she has no reason to be in touch and both think that she wants him back,Sorry its so long!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (9 September 2012):
 As far as hurting or manipulating your man, you can only be manipulated if you allow it. He needs to block these people on his phones and stop "dealing" with them. The fact he continues to speak with them helps their cause because they understand they still have control over him. Then, once they have him on the phone, they can play with his emotions by saying "it's time to step up and be a man". He needs to stop buying into this emotional black mail and kick them out of his life for good. If he won't do this and insists on meeting them, all you can do is sit back and wait.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (9 September 2012):
I cannot believe he is even considering doing this without an attorney present. There is no reason he has to "prove he's a man" at this stage. Encourage him to tell this family that if he meets with them it will be with his attorney/legal officer.
I would encourage him to stop answering calls from these people. This is like an obsessed ex-girlfriend...except it's not just the girlfriend...it's the entire family. I think he is risking more emotional turmoil if he meets with these people. If they have something to talk about, their attorney should contact your attorney. Otherwise, there is no obligation, legal or otherwise, to "talk".
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, just an update -We never did hear from the ex again that day. However, her Dad emailed saying that he wants to meet with him when he gets back on dry land and to be a man. As soon as the e-mail come through he told me about it. So I asked him to phone him and we could get this all put behind him.So the call was made, and her Dad said he doesnt want to discuss it on the phone and that they had been through alot in the past 8 years and thinks he deserves this bit of time. Which I mean apparently they were all quite close. But feelings are still raw and he is emailing straight after the ex had no luck. My boyfriend asked on several occasions to explain what the issue is but he wouldnt say. This man would not give up on the phone and despite my Boyfriend saying no continuously he still insisted and said to call him when he gets back. When my boyfriend told me everything that was said it sounded like this man was backing him in to a corner and tryingto manipulate him. My boyfriend is really happy with the support im giving him and this is definatley bringing us closer. He was so worried id leave him because of this. When we first met I told him it was to soon for us to be together after his marriage etc,,, but he talked me round. I wont leave him, we are happy, but hes very stressed and I want to be there for him. Il do everything I can to make him feel better.But I dont want my emotions on the situation to make things harder for him. I dont want to get angry or seem angry when he needs my support not to be worrying il leave him.the problem is its now at the stage I feel the need to protect my boyfriend. I dont want him being manipulated, Im not threatened by the ex, he has made it clear that he only wants me... But I dont want anyone hurting, manipulating or pushing my man into a corner. He doesnt deserve it... hes one of lifes good guys. What can I do now???
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 September 2012):
 I think I would go on my gut and trust him to do what's right. Personally, I don't think there is ANY good reason to see her in person, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.
I think, however, that if he REALLY doesn't want any contact with her, he needs to stand more firm on that subject. Block her number and so forth. If they don't share kids, what's the reason for the contact? She is FISHING, big time.
Some people become extremely bitter after a break up, because it's EASIER then trying to move on. I have seen it several times (one is my husband's ex wife) Who STILL (20 years after their divorce is bitter - she HATES me even though I HAD nothing to do with the divorce, I met him 6 years LATER, she has met me but refused to talk to me, which I'm fine with.) If she wants to be a bitter Betty, that is on her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank to all of you. I know myself that you are all right and I knew the right thing to do. But I am glad you confirmed it for me.
Really I just got myself all worked up and wanted to take charge and get it all ended today. But really I guess all I cant do is to continue to be there for him and support him in his way of dealing with it.
I know he will always do right by me. So i just need to sit back and be there for him.
Thank you all again and no doubt I will provide and update.
XXX
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 September 2012):
 I agree with Bond Girl 100%....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): Hi
We all have our insecurities and many of us fear the unknown of ex's rocking the boat, when things have been so happy and peaceful...
My advice to you is to stay calm, do what you are doing be supportive, dont critise her or him just be there for him
he has nothing to hide and is asking you help with emails etc to her , telling you shes called and wants to meet..- us women always feel a bit put out or hurt when our ex's move on its human nature but he is with you now, you both are very happy you seem - just be strong, keep a cool head... and dont get involved in any confrontations with his ex ...
Try not to worry it will all come good in the end and she will have to get used to the idea.
My partners ex wife was a real nightmare so i really do understand your dilemma, everything you have written happened to me, me and my partner stuck together and a year and a half on we are still together happy as we have ever been.... your partner has no ties with her children etc... so ..
think of it this way "shes his "ex" for a reason" !!
It will get to a point that shes contacting him for stupid meaningless things, my guess is that this is such a time... he will get to a stage where he will just ignore her stupid requests and in the long run she will make herself look even more stupid, needy and immature.
Hugs to you... let me know how you getting on.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 September 2012):
Also, once he does respectfully tell her he does not want to communicate with or see her, he should stop addressing the phone calls, texts, etc and should ignore her. His first mistake was answering her call or text and continuing to do so. No contact is the best policy, or contact with a lawyer present. Otherwise, no contact.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 September 2012):
Well, he doesn't really need to tell her "f-off", he just needs to stop answering her calls. She is "the Ex" for a reason and should not be contacting him unless children are involved. Her contacting him then saying she can only discuss the matter in person is called "fishing" and if he meets with her, he will take the bait.
He should explain in a respectful manner that they are no longer in each others lives and that he does not wish to communicate with her, let alone, meet up.
I would tell your boyfriend the above and say that you would prefer he did not see her. It is likely that if he does meet with her, it will not stop there. she will have other "things" she needs to tell him.
Honestly, I have no desire to talk to any of my ex-boyfriends, for any reason. I am happy with my current boyfriend/life and have no need to see the others for "catching up", "light conversation", or any other reason. I think people who want to do this have ulterior motives.
Talk directly with your boyfriend and stay away from the ex-wife. You do not want to deal with her at all. Let him take care of this...and hopefully, he will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's never said anything bad about her and I have no reason to think bad of her. I just know there is no reason for her to see him. Apparently they hadnt been inlove for a long time. Which mean the split easier on both of them.
However I do understand it is quick to be moving on. I cant really go and visit him I live abroad now. So he is home for 9 days organizing things to put his place up for rent before he comes out here.
Im not at all threatened by her, hes probably the straightest guy you can get, he'd never lie to her or me about anything. When they split it was completley amicable.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (8 September 2012):
 HI
I would advise him NOT to see her without the solicitor being involved, she could be up tp something more than just trying to win him back. However there is nothing stopping you from also going to visit him ( surprise visit) that way you can both spend time together away from home and you will also get your chance to mark your territory so speak. that being said I feel 6 months apart is no where near long enough for him to get over his marriage regardless of how he feels about her now, things are still raw and I can understand why she will want to talk with him. you dont really know both sides of the story he can tell you anything which could make him seem he was the good guy and she was the wonky one. I would just be very careful here, dont set yourself up for a fall. I hope it all works out for you .
Mandy x
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