A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for coming up to a year. We are in a long distance relationship. He lives in one part of the country and I live in a distant part of the country. We see each other every other weekend or so. He recently came back from being in overseas for three months. At the start of our relationship it was easier leaving him but it's become increasingly harder and harder. My parents divorced when I was young which gave me SAD (seperation anxiety disorder) which disappeared after a few years. But I've found it's come back worse since meeting my boyfriend. I can't move to his area due to my Separation anxiety Disorder (SAD)with my mother. (which is only mild but I know I couldn't live that far away from her for very long) so it's down to my boyfriend to move here. We've discussed it but there's been no active decisions. I told him recently that I didn't have many goodbyes left in me. I tried to explain that my SAD is getting worse and worse each time he leaves. And more so since he's returned from overseas and last time he left to go back home I started an argument with him over pretty much nothing then sat in the shower for over an hour crying.So basically, I guess I'm just asking for help. What can I do to stop myself getting so low when he leaves? I don't want to push him away. He understands why I get like I do but I don't know if he'll just have enough of it and leave. I also don't want to pressure him into moving down here if he's not ready to because that would ruin our relationship.
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female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (8 September 2012):
 I also agree with Abella. I think the key to learning how to live with your situation is reaching out to others and making plans with your bf that you can look forward to. It took me a long time to learn that being with other people, even going to a local restaurant and talking with people there, can help make your life more fulfilling. I would also suggest finding a hobby or organization you are passionate about and helping out. I know doing things outside of your comfort zone is sometimes intimidating, but just doing things you would not normally do can help make you feel better. I usually watch movies, go to the library, shop, and do things I sometimes don't do when my boyfriend is away. You might also want to talk with him about what the future holds...if he does plan to move to be with you eventually or if he needs you to move to be with him.
I think when my boyfriend leaves on business sometimes the worst part for me is that I tend to rely on him a lot, and then when he is not here, I miss that connection. Do you call, text, Skype? I think planning times you will communicate and doing things for each other like care packages or just thoughtful notes could also help.
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (8 September 2012):
Hi OP
I know that being in an LDR is emotionally exhausting anyway, and that combined with your SAD must make things very hard for you.
Abella has given you some EXCELLENT advice there, and there isn't much I can add. I would say though, that I'm not sure your boyfriend moving down would necessarily solve the problem anyway. Of course, you wouldn't have quite so many goodbyes, but maybe you would be so accustomed to having him around that if he did have to go home or go away for whatever reason, you might find yourself back at square one again. And of course as you say, you don't want to pressure him into it as that will push him away for certain. I think Abella is completely right- you need to have a look at the resources available which can help you deal with the goodbyes and the separation, so that you can hopefully try and work on the problem as much as you can. That is the best way forward- developing a coping mechanism is a very important thing to do.
Good luck, and let us know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (8 September 2012):
 You certainly do have some challenges.
No matter what, your HEALTH MUST COME FIRST. Your illness is a serious one and needs to be taken seriously.
When you feel yourself getting very anxious and perhaps it is impossible for you to phone your doctor or therapist it is very important that you reach out. Even if it has to be online resources like Samaritans.org or Befrienders.
It is way too demoralising to sit crying in a shower for an hour. So please pin up a list of resources you can access to help your get through those tough times.
Your illness takes a lot of strength and a lot of courage and bravery on your part. Your character shines through as a good person who can get through this with better support.
You would have missed him while he was away for three months. It is lovely that you are both able to see each other every other weekend. You must look forward to seeing him each time
And with your SAD you could not have picked a more challenging type of relationship as a LDR. You have been very brave facing a separation from your boyfriend on such a regular basis.
And your anxiety was no doubt the catalyst that made you start an argument. Because your anxiety level had increased and you wanted to communicate that fact to him. But perhaps he did not realise how badly you are affected by the separations.
Despite your SAD it seems that your Bf does love making the trip to see you. So let him know how much you appreciate his love and his support too.
You certainly do need a plan to cope better with increasing anxiety when things get really tough. If this keeps happening ask your doctor to review your treatment to see what else could be put in place to help you cope with the tough times.
Are you regularly seeing a therapist? One skilled in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy? If not then speak to your Doctor as that therapy on a regular basis can really help you start to see that you do have choices and you can establish a plan where you stay calm and have things ready to focus on as soon as he has left.
Are there any Self Help groups you might be able to join in your area? If you have the confidence to seek support in this way?
Also speak to your Doctor about your medication. The Doctor may be willing to consider a slight change to your medication of the morning of the day when you will need to say (temporarily) farewell to your boyfriend
You are correct on one thing. Pressuring your boyfriend to shift closer to you is not the way to go. Your boyfriend also has his own life to consider. Study or work commitments need to be respected. He may one day choose to move closer. Or your own SAD may improve to the point where you may have more options at your disposal.
Is there an achievable hobby you could start where you create something by your own work? Painting simple water colors paintings would be my first suggestion. Or small embroidery projects inside a round hoop. Silk thread embroidery can look gorgeous. Or embroidered tiny leaves (of fabric) embroidered on to a piece of silk can create a gorgeous wall hanging and might start to give you an interest that could also help you take your mind off things.
here are some links - if just one of the links helps you then I will be happy.
http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Cognitive-behavioural-therapy/Pages/Introduction.aspx
http://befrienders.org/helplines/helplines.asp?c2=United+Kingdom
http://www.samaritans.org/
http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/ = looks like a great site but none of pages would open
http://www.familyaware.org/
http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/depression/how-is-depression-diagnosed-and-treated.shtml
http://www.depressionalliance.org/how-we-can-help/self-help-groups.php
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/treatment-of-separation-anxiety-disorder/
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