A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has totally betrayed my trust, and all he can say is he hasn't actually cheated on me, all he did was go to a lap dancing club but he lied about where he was going so he might have well cheated on me.He went with a group of friends for one of their birthdays. There was about 8-9 of them, 2 of which I know have girlfriends. He told me he was just going on a night out, and because I know what his friends are like when they are all together, I asked him to give me a call at some point so I knew he was ok. His friends like to drink and a few dabble in drugs so I worry when he is out with them.When he rang me he was drunk and made no sense so I ended the call, glad he was ok and that he had remembered to call me. Later that night I was on facebook when one of the guys he was with tagged him at a nightclub. I had a look to see where it was because I hadn't heard of it before, and it came up as a lap dancing bar. The next day I asked him if he had a good night and he told me he did. I asked him where he went and he told me a few different club names but not the one on facebook. When I pulled it back up to show him, it had been deleted, so I had no proof but I knew he had been there. Suddenly he got really defensive and said I was stalking him when he was out with his friends. It was purely innocent how I found it, and I wasn't even that mad at him until he became angry with me.I'm now worried that it's a regular thing or that he has done more than he admitted to later that day.Now I'm thinking I shouldn't have said anything but I didn't like that he was lying. I know it's not cheating but it's still dishonest to lie about something like that isn't it?
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female
reader, jls022 +, writes (31 January 2015):
I totally agree with YouWish - going to a strip club while in a relationship should only happen if both parties agree in advance and discuss what is/isn't allowed while there. It's not a matter of insecurity, it's the fact he paid a LIVE woman to rub her naked body on him for his sexual arousal and/or orgasm. That behaviour certainly wouldn't be ok in any other setting, so I don't see how the exchange of money makes it better?My issue with situations of this type is not just the lie, which is bad enough, but the fact the men in question would rather lie than discuss it with their girlfriend first. They SUSPECT it might upset their partner, so instead of risking having to compromise, they lie and think 'what she doesn't know won't hurt her'. In my opinion, that sort of attitude is poisonous to a relationship and will likely spill out into other areas over time. It is part of your job in a loving relationship to respect and consider your partner's feelings, and in this case your boyfriend did neither. If he doesn't acknowledge your feelings over this, then I would think long and hard about whether he is the right one for you.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (31 January 2015):
 Well, he DID betray you. Going to a strip bar for naked women to rub themselves all over his genitals for money *IS* cheating. It is not like porn at all.
Do you think a guy would put up with a woman going somewhere where either SHE is rubbing herself all over another man or another man is all over her half naked and simulating sex?? Many guys go ballistic if another man so much as puts his arm around their girlfriends. What do you think he would do if his girlfriend took a guy to a VIP room and grinded a guy to orgasm, or a guy were to grind his girlfriend to orgasm? It isn't so "just boys' fun" anymore, is it?
Yes, he lied to you by omission, AND he let other women touch you who should never do while he's in a relationship. It's not about insecurity, and I get pissed off whenever someone accuses a woman of being insecure about a strip club. It's about loyalty and boundaries and honesty.
There are things you do when you're single that you don't do with a partner unless they're 100% okay with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): Guys with girlfriends are funny when it comes to going to strip clubs with their friends.They know their girlfriends will not like it if they go. They know their girlfriends will give them the third degree if they go. Asking them all sorts of questions, usually ending up with the girlfriend being jealous and angry, feeling insecure and causing a fight with the boyfriend. Happens all the time. So, instead of talking about it, he would rather have just gone with his friends and had a good time, perhaps it was all innocent, but did not want the backlash or questions or impending argument with the girlfriend. He just wanted to go and have fun in a good way and leave it there. Boys being boys. Does not want to make a big deal out of it. Thinks you will. So just keeping things under wraps so to speak.If his visiting the strip clubs becomes a habit, then I would worry. He went this time for a friend's birthday. So, there was a legitimate reason. Guys do this stuff.I would not worry too much about it. There is not enough evidence to show cheating. Just keep your eyes open in the future with his behaviour.Good luck.
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