A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been living abroad, half way across the world for 5 years now. I only have my mum pretty much left family wise, and we get along great, even if it is mostly on skype (i have been back twice, she's been to my new country once). Recently we have been discussing her coming to me this summer for a trip, and she keeps saying absolutely yes, can't wait! But yesterday on skype out of the blue she announced she is not coming, and is only going to Singapore, (very far from me) to see a very distant nephew, and that me and my husband are welcome to join her. I know I haven't done anything to anger her, so it isn't passive aggressive. I was surprised and hurt, especially as before I had told her I know she doesn't like my city plus she's already seen my city, so we can travel together with my husband ANYWHERE here that she likes, and honestly some places here are amazing. My mum also LOVES travelling of any kind. It is very very cheap here, and she KNOWS i can't afford to go to singapore, even for a weekend. But she has LOTS of money, so it's not an issue on her end, i know for a FACT.Me and my mum get on fantastically now, but i was in care from 14, and my mum is NOT family oriented. I have told my mum that Singapore will be difficult for just me, let alone my husband, but we'd love her to come to our country. But she just acts aloof. Is it my right to tell her that I'm not thrilled with her expectation for us to visit her in Sigapore (she knows we are saving for a baby), and that when she travels across the world to see a nephew she should perhaps consider her daughter too? She works very hard for her money so I'm partly thinking that I have no right to say anything?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): You have lived away from the same place as your Mum for five years and have seen her three times and the rest is on Skype and you say that you get on fantastically well and great.You also mention you get on well NOW, but you were in care from 14 and that she's not family orientated.Why were you put in care? Why is your Mum not family orientated and what do you really mean by this anyway?I don't mean to sound harsh, and I really don't want to upset you, but it sounds as if you and your Mum have a great friendship - and one in which you don't actually see one another very much - but in terms of it being a fantastic mother/daughter relationship it would not be everyone's idea of fantastic. If you are both happy with limited physical contact with one another then yes it is great. But it does seem that you are somehow protecting your Mum in all of this - many people would not say that this is a great way, AT ALL for a Mum to behave. Many would say she sounds downright selfish. Who cares if she works really hard for her money? So do most people and if she's so loaded then why doesn't she just stop working? Is she too greedy to do so? Who cares if she's not family orientated? She had and has a duty to make the effort and step up to her role as a Mum. Who cares if she loves travelling? So do many people, but they make sacrifices for family and, frankly, your Mum is so loaded that it would not be much of a sacrifice for her to pay a little extra and take a little extra time to see you.I think you are frightened of actually confronting her with her value system and life choices and how this implicates you. I think you are frightened of stating what you want - not just on this occasion but from her as a mother. I think being put in care has dented your self esteem and made you feel like you have to be grateful for whatever affection or attention she does give to you and you so want to see this as a sign that you are loveable that you are willing to overlook everything that's absent from this relationship. On one level you do get on great. But you are afraid to rock the boat and take things to a more intimate and problematic level by simply saying to her "Mum, what the F*** are you playing at? Not only are you not coming to see me but you are effectively playing mind games, telling me you can't wait to come and then just changing your mind". She sounds selfish and immature and you sound scared of rocking the boat. I say rock it, even a little, and ask for what you want.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (30 January 2015):
 I would just make sure she understand that you & your husband CAN NOT afford the Singapore trip and that you hope she enjoy HER trip. And IF she has the time you would STILL love to see her in your country, that she is ALWAYS welcome.
And then not go into any discussions further about it.
You mom might have the means to go anywhere she likes, BUT they ARE HER means (aka money) and she can spend them as SHE sees fit. IF she wants to go to Singapore over seeing her daughter, THAT is her choice.
My dad isn't crazy rich, but he is well off. Last year he mentioned coming over to the US for a couple of weeks, to see us and his grand-kids, but... he ended up going to Santorini with his GF instead. I would have loved to have him over, but it was/is his choice what he does.
It has nothing to do with the level of "love". Just that... she wanted to see Singapore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): Your mum is not a great mum and unfortunately there's not much you can do to change her.
Why not tell her how you desperately miss her and how you cannot afford to travel outside your country to see her Since you are saving up for a baby. Tell her how much you really want to spend some quality time with her and hope for the best.
But do speak out. Don't let the resentment fester. Ask her why she won't come and spend one week with her daughter since she has the means to travel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): (OP here) I respect and thank you both for your comments,
Perhaps I've missed some things out,
my mum is CRAZY rich and goes travelling aroud the world constantly, and only last week mentioned herself booking a trip to australia with a stopover in singapore included to see my cousin. I know what you mean but I also do genuinely know her finances, she's loaded!
Second of all, we both know the city i live is nice but no need to do twice, i said we could go anywhere in this enormous country and she is apparently saying no...?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2015): I'm going to address one of your comments. That being about your mother's finances.
Now you know that it isn't appropriate for you to decide what your mother can and cannot afford, or what she should do with her money. You don't have complete access to her budget and bank account. You assume she is doing well by what you know on the surface. In any-case, her financial stability and what she can afford is not up for you to presume upon. If she wishes to spend more money to go to Singapore, she has already weighed the pros and cons.
Don't try to make this some judgement of how she feels about you, or whether she isn't a good mother. You didn't say this directly; but that is totally what your post implies. That is too convenient and most unfair. You're an adult, and you've made your choice where you wanted to be. So, there you are.
Economic conditions change unexpectedly, so if she budgets for travel, it makes more economic-sense to get your money's worth. Go on vacation where you'll have the most fun. Parents usually expect their children to come to them in most cultures. Rarely does it go the other way around.
She doesn't like your city, and there may be more to that than you realize. She may not like the country it is in, nor the trip there! She has no reason to explain herself.
Who's the mother in this situation? She loves you regardless.
Sometimes people don't go into great details as to "when, why, and where." They just make their decisions according to their own needs and desires. She'd prefer to go to Singapore. After-all, mother knows best.
That doesn't negate the fact she loves you and wants to see you. You've planted your life in a part of the world she doesn't care to travel to. What does she do all-day while you and your husband are working? A trip across the world has to have a lot of benefits waiting at the other end. Your cousin wins this time. Singapore is absolutely enchanting! She gets to see Singapore and have someone there she knows as her guide.
She offered for you to visit your cousin with her, which is her alternate-plan. Being in the position of "mother" that gives her a lot of power and authority. One of them is to change her mind. In this case, it comes down to pleasure-travel. It's no indication of her feelings for you; but it just means if you want to see her bad enough; it will not matter how much it costs or how much trouble it is, you'll find away. No one could convince you it would be more convenient to live closer to your mother. It doesn't mean you love her any less for moving an ocean and continent away from her. Does it?
In her wisdom and family position of matriarch, she knows this. I guess in this case, your decision on where she should go on her vacation is overruled. You can decline her offer, but be polite about it; if you really want to see her the next time.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 January 2015):
 I think you gave yourself the answer on this one. You already told her, and she already knows, that you can not afford to go to Singapore. She knows this already. And you already know she doesn't much like the city you live in. You know she loves traveling (this often also means traveling to NEW places, so I can see why Singapore sounds more interesting than a city she doesn't like). AND you said yourself she's not family oriented.
What I would do however, is to be honest about how this makes you feel. Keep it short and simple. "Mom, we wont come with you to Singapore, but thank you for the invitation. I would love to meet with you, as seeing you is important to me, so if that would be possible I would be thrilled. How about you come to my country to see me after Singapore? I was thinking we'd go here and there to see these places you haven't seen yet, and it'd be so great to see you again."
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