A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I recently turned 28 and had a small birthday dinner followed by drinks with with some friends. It was 6 of us and consisted of 3 of my closest friends and two friends who are part of the extended group but not close friends. I'm close win two of my Co workers but decided because I didn't want a big party this year and wanted something low key that I would just invite that one group of friends as I'm not great at mixing groups of friends as it causes a lot of anxiety. I'm generally prone to feeling quite anxious and am worried that by leaving other people out that it's almost like in ranking friends and that it may seem as though they weren't important enough to be part of my celebrations. One of my Co workers who is a good friend was a little offended that they weren't invited and asked why they weren't invited. I responded by saying that the girls were taking me out for dinner and drinks this year as I didn't want a big party like last year. They have since not mentioned it and seem okay with me again. However, it begs the question, should I feel bad for not extending the invite to others or is understandable that I would want to keep it to a small group of friends who all know each other.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 May 2017):
 No don't feel bad. They probably just wondered why they did not get invited. But if you suffer from anxiety then I understand how stressful that can be so you should not need to worry about other people. If they wanted am sure they could have took you out for a drink for your birthday.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (6 May 2017):
 I forgot to mention, you can ALWAYS have a night out with your coworkers and celebrate in a small way, can you not?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): If you're naturally anxious, it's just a little guilt stirred inside you because someone confronted you.
It's your birthday and you share your day with whomever you please. It isn't the day you prove anything to anyone; it's the day you celebrate life and your birth. That's it in a nutshell.
Your anxiety disorder reacts to confrontation and your kind heart was troubled about hurting feelings. When the co-worker asked you why she wasn't invited; she was only letting you know she would have liked to have been there. You blew it entirely out of proportion. As you see, everyone is back to normal. They weren't upset, you were. It was really inappropriate for the co-worker to question you at all. A more considerate person would have only wished you a happy birthday and hoped you had a lovely time.
Everything is fine. Always do what you want on your birthday, with whomever you choose. It's okay to be selfish, that's part of the reason for celebrating. You're just happy to be alive! Others may contribute their goodwill as they please.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2017):
Why should YOU feel bad for choosing HOW you want to celebrate YOUR birthday?
No, you shouldn't feel bad.
ACCEPT that you can't please EVERYONE all the time.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 May 2017):
 Absolutely not! What is "feeling bad" going to achieve, except to make YOU feel bad and draining your energy? It is not going to change anything.
It is up to you who you choose to spend your time with, whether you are celebrating something (your birthday in this case) or just going out "because", especially given your anxieties about large gatherings. Nobody has a right to expect to be invited. It was a small intimate gathering, which is what YOU were comfortable with. Had you started thinking along the lines of "well, if I don't invite so-and-so, they will be offended", you could have eventually ended up with numbers you were thoroughly uncomfortable with and not enjoyed the gathering at all.
Here's a suggestion for the future: be liberal with what you share about such gatherings if it makes you "feel bad" when people ask why THEY weren't invited. Either don't mention them at all or say it was just family. OR arrange a number of small gatherings of different friends on different nights so that nobody feels left out but, equally as important, YOU don't feel uncomfortable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): You gave such a diplomatic answer that I doubt you will be asked about it again!
Who was the pushy person who had thevpower to make you feel anxious about not inviting them?
Perhaps they were just being friendly or pushing your buttons for a reaction.!
Whatever you do outside of work is your business only!
But congratulations on a very sensible answer about your arrangement.
You also dont have to explain what you did at weekends etc if you dont want to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017):
Happy Birthday! You deserve to enjoy the day and not feel obligated to throw a party to everyone you know closely.
Each group of friends has a different equation IMO. You have the right to celebrate with any one chosen group on your birthday night.
Did the said co workers treat you on THEIR birthday?? Or invite you to a party? If yes, then maybe you should have held a separate event/ treat. And how about them doing something for you on your special day instead of being offended for not being invited to a party of different group of friends? If they had done something for you, maybe you should have given a separate treat, that is, if you weren't in financial strain.
It's a birthday party, not a wedding. You can't celebrate each year with EVERYONE. As good friends, they need to understand that.
Next time, hold separate dinners with two different groups and two different budgets. Or, arrange a house party that wouldn't cost too much and invite all your friends to it.
PS. If these co workers did something for you this birthday, one way to make up would be- do something on their birthday for them. Get them a gift, make a video about them or cut cake at work.
Either way, on someone's birthday friends should make an effort to GIVE and make the person happy, not GET and EXPECT!!! However, it's nice of you and you do sound like a good and empathetic person who tries to be at his best and nicest.
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