A
female
age
26-29,
*lgardner1
writes:So I've been friends with this man from my church. He is considerably older than me and he is single. He also has a 3 year old boy. We get along great and I babysit his child from time to time. I've had feelings for him for a few months and I don't know if he is into me. Whenever I see him, he kisses me on the cheek. He took me to lunch one time but didn't officially call it a date, but he ended up paying for me. He walked me to my car and kissed me on the cheek again. Another time I babysat his kid ( he is a photographer) and i went with him to babysit his kid while he was working where he was shooting at. He drove us there. In the car, we had a great conversation and he got really personal about his life. He also asked me about any past relationships. Once he was done working, he invited me out to dinner again and he ended up paying for me. The last time I saw him, he came up to me and put his hand on my shoulder. I know this seems like stupid little things to read into but I've noticed that he NEVER touches other women like this. I don't know if he is just being a friend or if he truly is interested in me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2017):
 I think you need to be more careful about this.
#1. he is OLDER and single yet pursuing a teenager or BARELY out of her teen's girl (you). He has VERY grown up responsibilities such as 3 CHILDREN. One(?) of which YOU babysit. Which brings me to:
#2. What kind of man pursues the "kid" babysitting his child(ren) ? It's borderline creepy.
#3 He is grooming you with physical touches, such as arm around you and kisses on the cheek NEITHER which are actually appropriate in the situation. Who does that to the babysitter? Jus, no.
You say you he NEVER touches other women that way, well... you aren't around him 24/7 who knows how he acts around GROWN up females, be they, friends or coworkers... So really, you can't say never. However, he might not TOUCH other women (especially GROWN women) because he KNOWS they would not act all goo-goo-gaa-gaa but tell him to keep his hands to himself.
I agree with WiseOwlE that you leave out a LOT of details - maybe to make his actions seem less predatory or to not be judged for your naivety.
But... I think you are a VERY naive young woman who is crushing on an older dude because you like the attention and you think an older guy is "safer" than one your own age. The first I can understand, it must be flattering. But he is NOT any safer than someone your own age.
I think age gaps, in general, can work. However, not when you have a BIG age gap or when ONE party is BARELY out of their teens and the other a GROWN adult with a LOT more experience. It makes the relationship VERY uneven. It gives ALL the "power" to the older party and that just isn't an equal relationship - more like that of a parent/child than two EQUAL partners.
I have to ask, has he offered to take YOUR pictures yet?
And what does your parents say to this?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2017): You were careful not to actually mention his age; because you were avoiding judgement.
Where's his wife? Is he a widower or divorcee? Certain details have been conveniently left-out.
I look at it this way, if you employ someone to do something for you; it's best to stay within those boundaries. No sneaky moves!
Sharing about ones self is simply familiarizing yourself with the other person, and demonstrating trust. If he can trust you with caring for his very young son, it's fine for him to share a little about himself. Asking questions about your love-life is out of line.
So far, he has kept an appropriate distance; but gives you kisses on the cheek. The purpose is questionable, if not alarming. Kisses aren't necessary.
Touching you on the shoulder is only friendly. How would you take that any other way? I consider the kiss inappropriate, even if you don't mind it.
Dinner and lunch should only be taken as perks for the job.
Any other moves would be taking your employee/employer arrangement in the wrong direction. I'm giving you no encouragement, just fair warning.
Being so young, you wouldn't quite see this in the right way because of your crush on the man. If you were my daughter; I'd be disturbed about the situation and how you're handling it. I'm not talking about the age-difference, I mean the purpose behind your employment as his sitter. Then any actions or changes that takes place thereafter. I too question his intentions.
Making passes and flirtations would be inappropriate. I don't care about your crush. Some ties we make with people should remain in the proper context.
In my opinion, his behavior is suspect. I don't have any good feelings about it.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (6 May 2017):
 When you say "considerably older", do you mean like 10 years older or older than your father? I ask because it is possible this guy views you like a daughter and, as you babysit for him, takes you out to dinner as a "thank you" and shows an interest in your life because he is polite.
He COULD be interested in you romantically of course, but be careful about this. Firstly, you are possibly at very different stages in your lives (depending on how old he is) and may want very different things from life. Secondly, being so young, you are likely to change a lot over the next few years and your wants and needs are likely to change at the same time. Most importantly, there is a child involved here. Be sure of your feelings for each other before entering into any romantic relationship. This boy has already lost a mother (I assume she is not around?) so he needs stability in his life. If you have a relationship with his father, he will get closer to you. If you then split up further down the line, he will have lost someone else out of his life at a very early age, which could affect him deeply.
There are never any guarantees with relationships. All we can do is try to keep a level head, head any warning signs and do our best. Given the age difference, I would sit back and let him take the lead and see what happens but be ready with your responses if/when the subject comes up.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (6 May 2017):
 I don't think he would keep inviting you out for dinner and ask you about previous relationships if he only saw you as a friend.
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