A
female
age
30-35,
*3chelciemarie
writes:Hi guys! I am back again with another question. Some back info: I was with my now ex for 6 years. I just turned 25 and he will be 25 in a few months. After being in the same city for about 3 years, then a few long distance moments (lasting no more than 4 months) when I went to school, we finally ended up in the same city 2 years ago when he moved to my city and started going to school there. All was well until it was getting close to my graduation time. I finished last December, and was offered some internship opportunity in a new city. I took it, and thought that this time the long distance couldn't be too difficult. Eventually he ended up breaking up with me in April. I wasn't given much reason since it was out of the blue, and it shocked me a lot. We ended up not speaking for 3 months. This non speaking ended when he was in our home town (where I had moved back to for the summer to help run my family's business). We ended up talking for hours, and realized that we still had very strong feelings for one another, it felt like we were still in a relationship). At this point, I will be moving back to a new city to start a part time job at my old internship, and he still has year left of school (will be done next May). I recently spent the last week with him (staying with him at his place), and we were acting like we were in the relationship again. He even helped me move my entire apartment out, (it took about 6 hours). We kind of agreed that we can't be in the relationship now, since the distance is too hard, and we want to spend this time working on ourselves and our careers. We plan to continue to talk, and he is coming to visit me in a few months in my new city for a weekend. A big concern of mine though is where will this lead. I am someone with minor anxiety and like to know what will happen, what the plan is. I told him that I want to be single and in contact until he graduates in May, and when May comes, I want us to both kind of actively figure out a way we can end up in the same city. He agrees with this, and says the same thing, and will say: "I want to wait until I graduate, and then try to be together in the same city. BUT we don't know what is going to happen." When he adds the BUT at the end, I feel like he contradicts everything he just had said. This confused me, and I pretty much ended up getting the jist that he can't 100% promise me that were going to try to make it work when he is graduated. He says he wants it to work,and that its a priority for him that it does, but at the same time, there's a circumstance where it won't happen. I kinda feel like it's fair for him to make that promise to me that he is going to try and make it work when he is done, like I am. But I feel like with this answer he can't promise me that. I think he WANTS to make it work then, but isn't going to try to, if that makes sense? I don't really know what to think. Am I being unreasonable by asking that I have a promise? Or should I just kind of do what he is doing, and let it work itself out? Also, don't you think if it really was that big of a priority that it worked, he would be able to promise me that?Part of me thinks, that he just doesn't want to plan so far in advance, and not think about it. He has always been that way. So I mean this could be him kind of not wanting to thnk about it until it comes. Please let me know what you all think. I am sorry for ranting a lot to, I just have a lot of anxiety about this, because I really want it to work eventually.
View related questions:
long distance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 September 2017):
 He is keeping his options open and I don't think he wants to think about what is going to happen next year or where he is going to go. Yes he may like to be back together with you, but if you are happy in your city and he wants to go somewhere else after Uni what then? It sounds like he doesn't want to be thinking about it at the moment, its his final year so I honestly think you either need to wait and see what happens or else get on with your own life and if he comes back then see where you both are then. For now you really need to get it out off your head and stop worrying.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (5 September 2017):
It's hard to keep promises that long, but not impossible.Also, it doesn't depends to him if he gets a job in your city, it depends on the employers and the economy at that moment when he graduates.However, if a guy is really, really 100% sure about a girl, he will totally and completely and confidently tell the girl he loves "I WILL BE ON YOUR TOWN, OR YOU'LL BE EN MINE, BUT YOU AND I ARE GOING TO BE TOGETHER". Those are powerful words that keep a girl's mind calm and kills that anxiousness that you are having that now. The problem is that your guy doesn't knows those powerful words and screwed things badly. Also, a guy that truly loves a woman don't just dump a woman just because she is going to another city for an internship.So my advice: wait until May, but I honestly think that he will let you down since he dumped you before, and probably he started dating someone while you were away. I wish you the best luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2017): As a more mature and mental health worker .He is keeping I am sorry to say options open .. if I were you . I would response by if he doesn't know what he wants the now .. he never will . I was young when I met my husband and 27 years later we are still together .. still happy and he worked away .. we parted in the times where internet and mobile phones were not so widely available . We made do with seeing each other every other weekend .. it was mad .. it was like 3 hours on a train .. and then cramming in all thoses day in the limited hours . We also called each other .. with communication now so widely available there is no excuse for not wanting to keep the embers of a relationship burning. We all live in a busy world . But we make priorities. What does a few texted take or a 30 min call .. you should want to hear from someone special if you are to them .. for me and Im sorry sweetie .. he doesn't see you as special .. he aw you as convenient friendly and what he was used to .. it was like putting on some old sneakers .. they just fit .. but they not as flash as maybe the new piece of ass that will come along .. and that is the " butl"So for me there is no reason to say look - why do we need to wait relationships have survived wars and begin apart why can't yours .. if he waffles and does the but thing .. I would say well let's stay friends .. friend with no benefits . And we can catch up now and then.. but if you can't see what you will loss; hey why should I try and convince . Just remember though it's been your choice . And then stick to it .He is using you at the min .. and sweetie . Your worth more than that !
...............................
A
male
reader, Sam Wilson +, writes (3 September 2017):
 Well, Hello. I am sorry that your questions has been unanswered for quite some time and I'll try to voice my opinion and maybe give my advice from a guy's point of view of the matter.To put it bluntly one cannot put RESERVATIONS on relationships. THE HEART WANTS WHAT THE HEART WANTS, and if time passes and either one of you isnt feeling the same there is nothing any of you can do about it.If you really want assurance on how the two of you could work I suggest staying in touch because honestly even though I am a lot more emotional than other guys, I really think that guys would have a harder time keeping that sort of promise because realistically his future is the real top priority.I am also suffering from minor anxiety and part of that is caused by not being with my girlfriend, my dad has this saying...THAT LIFE IS A BLANK CANVAS, YOY DECIDE WHAT YOU DRAW, IS THE WORLD OF UNCERTAINTY A BLANK CANVAS OF POSSIBILITY OR NOTHINGNESS, YOU DECIDE.Whatever happens will be your choics in the end, will you take an active role in securing your future relationship, enjoy the ride, or fear the unknown, it is up to you.Goodluck with everything. I really hope you get this guy in the end if thats what you really want. Its touching to see how much you care, and its sad that a good relationship couldnt blossom due to the constraints of time and place.Final words...honestly taking your emotions into account I really think that you want to pursue a relationship with this guy like right now, and just feel you just feel the need to be single. If your emotions are getting in the way of daily tasks i suggest just talk to him about everything that you feel come clean, and see if you can at least keep in touch, at least then your emotions would be sated and you conscience feels that it did something active.I hole I helped, and I didn't mean to offend or give bad advice if that's what you think. This is just my honest opinion. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2017): You clearly got involved quite young in life and you still have strong feelings for each other.I feel the promise you would like is that of engagement, leading to future marriage but that plan goes along with forward planning.You have taken the job that you want in the city you like and I feel your boyfriend would like the same opportunity.He will go where the best work opportunity for him is and your relationship will have to accommodate travelling to and fro. You are both young enough to adapt and realign and move forwards as a couple but give him the chance to finish his exams and find work until you worry about the future.For now, I would say that you are in pole position to be his lifetime partner so coast along at your leisure!Encompass new hobbies so that you don't feel stale and have plenty going on in your life but call him regularly if you can.And let him call you.
...............................
|
