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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I'm going to try and explain this as best i can.For a while now, roughly a year, i've been in a pretty confusing situation. A male friend and i had a casual "relationship", i hate the term "friends with benefits" but i guess you could say that's what it was. That lasted on and off for about 6 months then we didn't see each other for quite a while. I liked him a lot and i wish we'd never done the casual thing. He has a girlfriend now who he's been with about a year i think. He got with her a few months after our thing ended. I was crushed to be honest but i didn't say anything.Now this is where things started to go wrong in a bad way.He came down to see me and some other friends a few months ago. He lives a couple of hours away. Well long story short we slept together that night. I haven't met up with him since then.The other night we were talking online and i decided to bring it up because we'd never really spoken about what happened.He asked me what i felt about that night, i told him i felt like an idiot because i knew he was with somebody else. He asked me if i enjoyed it and i told him i did at the time but afterwards i felt awfull.He said he was sorry i felt that way and was worried because he thought that when i said i felt like an idiot he thought i meant i didn't enjoy what happened.When i told him it was because of his girlfriend not because of the sex, he said something like "oh ok, i was worried the reason was you didn't enjoy the sex, because that would have been bad".He didn't seem to grasp the fact i felt guilty because of his girlfriend and made it seem like she wasn't an issue.I told him that after what happened i was dissapointed in myself and also that i didn't think i could trust him anymore.He asked me to trust him but i told him it wasn't that simple and that i didn't believe he wanted friendship from me.He asked if we could meet during the day for a chat about things. I said i'd think about it.He said "yes the sex has always been amazing in the past but i want the friendship more than the sex if that makes sense?".He then proceeded to tell me he missed me.I'm so confused and have no idea what to do.Should i even bother trying to work this out?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Good decision, OP. But don't "do your upmost " to ignore his calls . Just IGNORE them, period. You DID waste enough time and emotion on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Good to hear, good luck OP. I hope it all works out well for you :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think the no contact thing is the only option. I'm going to do my up most to ignore his calls, texts etc... I think i've wasted enough time and emotion on this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Well he's her problem now and it should stay that way. Look he's going to keep trying over the next couple of weeks. It's not nice to lose a f**k buddy. You miss having that person to screw whenever you want. You have to stay strong though.
Don't believe his lies, don't let him trick you, blackmail you or anything like that to get you to meet him again. Because he knows it's much easier to convince you when you're sitting there in front of him because you fancy him.
He will keep trying for a while and he'll use all the tricks he can think of to make you meet him again and then it's onto the sex. He'll even use the "I just want to be friends, I promise no more sex" trick, then oops one night after a couple of drinks "I just couldn't help myself" haha guys like him are quite predictable you see.
Do what you can to stay away from him, I would recommend breaking off contact altogether it's a lot easier that way and you can go out and date other guys when you feel ready.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm suprised she hasn't realised by now to be honest. Then again i've never met her. She might be aware but i doubt it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): The guy is an ass, don't let it get to you. Just be glad you're not his girlfriend, just imagine how bad it's going to get for her, when she realizes what he is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's blackmail and not fair because i'm not an easy girl and don't just jump into bed with any guy. Him saying i used him is just ridiculous and frankly cruel after what he's put me through.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): It's all a load of crap, why is he talking like this with another woman when he has a girlfriend? How would she feel about this conversation?
Look again he's still trying to turn this back around on you, now he's trying to find stupid little details to prove he's right but it's all bullshit. Gimme a break, who cares who asked who out for a drink. He moved on got another girlfriend and now just wants sex from you.
Don't let him guilt trip you with this emotional blackmail crap. You're the one who had feelings he's the one that wanted it casual and he's the one that only cared whether you enjoyed the sex, because that would have been "bad" because you might not have went back for more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Unfortunately this is the outcome of having sex with someone before getting to know what's really under their outer shell. There's a lot skanks out there so be careful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBefore he got with his girlfriend and we did the FWB thing we used to meet up after we'd been out at night. Now he's saying that because i used to meet him after he'd been out and that i didn't have a drink first (i don't like bars or drink) that he thinks i only wanted one thing. I said "no, you're the one that wants one thing" then he said "i ALWAYS asked you to come out for a drink but you never did"
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Don't let him emotionally blackmail you like this, everything he says is designed to keep you as his sex buddy and emotional blackmail is low, although I wouldn't expect any less from a using cheater.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): "so you just want one thing from me?" This guy is goooood. I think I'm starting to like him. He's totally trying to turn this around on you. I think he knows that you've realized what he's doing and is trying to make it sound like you're the one using him haha. That's a really good ploy.
Because now he's challenged you to prove you're not by going to meet him, an old trick too, but damn he's good. He's trying to make you feel compelled to meet him, but you know everything he says is a load of crap because of how he acted and you know not to fall for that crap again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him i didn't think meeting up to "chat" was a good idea. He had the nerve to say "so you just want one thing from me?" :( I don't understand how he can say that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): No you're not an easy lay. You were in love with the guy. There's nothing wrong with loving someone and being hopeful that there's a chance that person might love you too. We'd all be alone forever if we never took a chance on people.
Don't feel down and don't feel worthless, you took the risk and you didn't get the reward, it happens and it sucks hard but you did nothing wrong. In fact you've learned a lesson. The guy doesn't deserve you and give it a little time and you'll see that too.
Remember this hurt though, don't hold onto it but remember it, remember it next time he tries to feed you his lies and you won't fall prey to them anymore.
The guy is a user and a cheater, you were just unlucky enough to fall for him. The only reason I can see the signs is because I have too. Most of us have, but I'll put it to you like this, no guy will ever be able to do this to you again, you've lived it, you will get over it and most importantly you know all the little signs and trick of a guy like this. Really when the dust settles and you no longer feel hurt, you'll be glad of the lesson you have learned. I know I am.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Cerberus your post has opened my eyes a bit. I had a feeling the friendship thing was a lie anyway.
He might not care about me but he obviously doesn't care about his girlfriend that much either if he's willing to do that to her too.
It hurts more than i can explain to think i'm just an easy lay.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): Work what out? What you need to work out is the fact he doesn't love you, never has and doesn't see you as relationship material, ever. You do see him this way and the casual thing was more his idea and you put up with it in the hopes he'd gain feelings for you too. It doesn't happen that way and now he's trying to set you up as his bit on the side. The girl he can keep around for an easy lay.
It's actually pretty obvious really. That, "I'd rather have the friendship than the sex" is a cheap trick, because he knows if he says it's just about the sex then he knows he won't get it from you anymore, you have more self respect than that. But he knows if he feeds you a load of crap about friendship then he can always just get you alone again and bone you. Oldest trick in the book actually, why would he ruin that by telling you the truth when he knows you'll hang around and wait for him to love you like you did for 6 months. You see you won't mind sleeping with him again "in the heat of the moment" or "accidentally" because you think he's your friend and just made a "mistake too" because he "couldn't help himself" That's all a load of crap, you're his flesh puppet ad have been for a while now.
You were a nice,fun girl for him to have sex with while he went out and found a girl he could fall in love with. I'm sorry for putting it all like that but that's what you are to him. You don't believe me? The guys a cheater, do you really think if he can do that with you that you actually mean something to him?
He's playing you and frankly he's using all old tricks. Very obvious ploys but your feelings for him won't let you believe them.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/women-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html
We guys will sell you some amount of crap just to keep you sweet, learn to see the signs they're all there.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 December 2010):
He said "the sex was amazing but I want the friendship more than the sex ".
And of course, that must be the truth, spoken by such a sincere, reliable individual.
Oh wait. He is not a sincere reliable individual, he is a guy that cheats on his gf without the least hint of guilt.
Then...?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): dont bother trying hes only using you...you deserve better then a guy like him
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female
reader, loveistheanswer  +, writes (5 December 2010):
 well the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend is not a good sign... I have no idea what its like to do the fwb thing, since I never have... but I suppose wrapped up in the mentality of fwb, it's not first priority for him to keep loyal to one person, I suppose... unless, perhaps that person really captivates his attention... are you that person? do you want to risk heartbreak for finding out what you mean to him? you decide. Being a black and white loyal type, I wouldn't be brave enough to try to work it out with him... but that doesn't mean you aren't or shouldn't be... anyway this is the picture I see here....
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