A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I think its time to end our marriage. I have been married for about 8 months now and everything seems to be falling apart and my love for my husband diminishing. I feel like he is a chronic liar and does not treat me the way I want. Im now depressed from the emotional and verbal abuse that he puts me through. He says he cares and loves me alot and apologies later for his mistakes, but I just cant get over what he does. I thought he was a nice, religious guy that my family adores, but the more I get to know to him I realize he is just selfish, insecure, disrespectful, dishonest, controlling and cheap. He doesnt seem to put any effort in trying to do anything special for me on his own. I have to keep asking him. There are soo many things that annoy me about him, but few are very difficult to swallow. A month after the wedding I caught him smoking, even though he told me he had stopped.. Then last night i found out that he watches porn and when i confronted him, he said he would stop, but I dont believe him, coz he lies to me alot in general.. And when I point out his mistakes he tries to degrade me and say "oh so you think you are perfect?" and tries to accuse me of never being happy with what he does and that im probably having affairs. He snoops around my facebook and always asks about my guys friends. I dont know why i keep forgiving him, even though I try to be strong and stand up for myself, I end up giving into him. Last week, I even told him that i want to leave this marriage because I dont think it will work out.. And he completely broke down crying telling me that he cant live without me, and loves me alot despite all his faults. He even promises that he will change and not hurt me anymore because it hurt him to see me cry. However, I feel that he just being very manipulative and playing mind games with me and i feel trapped. I dont know who to talk to about this, because everyone thinks he is so perfect. I did so much for him. I moved cross country to come live with him, leaving my family, friends, and job behind. I even accepted his past about drinking, smoking, and losing his virginity to his girlfriend. All of which were completely against my standards since I never did any of those things before and expected my future husband to be the same. However, within the six months of our long distance relationship, I completely fell in love with him and thought he was the one. But now I realize that I made a big mistake marrying him. I feel like i deserve better, please help me what should i do??
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affair, cheap, depressed, facebook, fell in love, insecure, liar, long distance, porn, swallow, trapped, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (24 March 2010):
 One last question.. Do you love this man? Did you love him when you married him, do you love him now? Do you even like this man at all?
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 March 2010):
"Pack your things and leave that freak as fast you can. Over look Miamine comment, your to special to be treated like a dog. If he doesn't treat you like you know you should be treated then hit the road and don't look back" Sooner
This is why I felt forced to apologise, unfortunately none of you could read the insincerity or sarcasm in my comments... Divorce, hit the road and don't look back.. I know my bible well, and as far as I know, this is not how proper wives act towards men who haven't done anything "that wrong"...
What did you promise to do in marriage, what were the vows you spoke when you stood in front of your priest? How is this man treating you like a dog? What are your grounds for divorce after such a short time? How dose divorce so soon fit with your views about Christian behaviour and marriage as a special and sacred thing?
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (24 March 2010):
Yes he has the ability to change, but not for a woman who is already on her way out the door and has no problem with divorcing him after just a couple of months of marriage.
Pornography in a Christian relationship is not right. Ask him to talk to your preacher and get help from the church. However, last I heard divorce in a Christian marriage is wrong as well, aren't you supposed to try harder. Didn't your marriage vows say something about "for better for worse, until death do us part"
"In addition, you are right that he has not done anything "extreme" enough for me to divorce him. But it jus keeps me wondering if such an extreme is just lurking around the corner?? I keep trying to tell myself that I need to lower my exceptions and compromise, but I do not want sacrifice myself in the process."
You haven't spent long in this marriage to yet become a wife, your still worried about protecting you, your not yet a proper couple who have become one... your a single woman trying to find a way to become independent and single again.
You said this marriage was abusive, that's what you told us. But now you admit that he hasn't done anything extreme. You exaggerated your husbands bad behaviour to get sympathy and the advice that you wanted to hear.
You don't want to stay married, you want to be single again. You've put no energy into this relationship, you have criticized and looked down on your husband, you haven't tried to work together with him. You don't see this as a marriage for life. That is why I suggest you divorce. This is not the man for you, and you don't appear to want to commit and go through the hard work that marriage involves.
My appology came under pressure, because of the constant criticisms I recieved. I do wonder if your not just too independant for marriage at all... again, where is the abuse and bad treatment that you accused this man off.
"chronic liar, emotional and verbal abuse, selfish, insecure, disrespectful, dishonest, controlling and cheap".. How can we know if he will change.. You have said this is how he is, I can't see it, I ask you again to tell us what he has done for you to say that this is his personality. How has this man given you emotional and verbal abuse? How is he insecure, how is he controlling, how is he selfish. Please answer these questions that I have asked more than once. At the moment, as I said, your the abusive one, your the one who is willing to break her vows with a divorce. Your the one who is calling people names. Your the one who seems selfish and controlling. Your the one who exaggerates his bad behaviour (not that extreme, you now admit) to get sympathy and support from strangers so you can walk away as soon as you can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2010): Hello everyone,Sorry my answer did not get posted last time for some reason, so Im posting it again hoping it would go through this time.. Im new to this site, so not quite sure how it works.Anyway, Im truly grateful for all your answers! Its very comforting to read other's opinions instead of just hearing my own thoughts. The majority of you believe that I should leave this man because of our unhealthy relationship, which is exactly what my instincts tell me. However, couple people commented that I should try to work on our marriage as this is normal in the initial stages of marriage. I agree that these are difficult times for us as we are just trying to understand and learn about each other. In addition, you are right that he has not done anything "extreme" enough for me to divorce him. But it jus keeps me wondering if such an extreme is just lurking around the corner?? I keep trying to tell myself that I need to lower my expections and compromise, but I do not want sacrifice myself in the process. And about the long distance relationship; we met several times before getting married and I was happy with who he was. Obviously, I realize now that was not enough to truly get to know each other. I apologize for not going into too much detail about why I called him those "names", I didnt want to make my question too long, but in short that is how his behaviour comes across to me. However, I want to mention a recap of the night after I caught him with porn.. He calmly talked to me about the issue and how ashamed he is about it and also how badly he reacted to the situation. He begged for my forgiveness and says he will work very hard to improve our relationship. All this seemed very geniune of him and once again I stopped booking my ticket to fly back to my parents home. I wont say that the only reason I stayed is because I 100 percent forgive him for his mistakes but only because after his seeing his kindness and determination, Im contemplating on whether he deserves another chance or not? And if so, is this cycle of mistakes and forgiveness going to keep repeating through the course of our marriage? Im afraid I might have put myself in a vulnerable position again :( I guess the confusion here remains is that is he really that bad that of a person that I should let him go or do you think that he has some potential to change??
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 March 2010):
 To the anonymous lady who wrote 'CHANGE FOR HIM'!!!
Im sorry but I think thats dumb advice
Are you asking the poor girl to become a doormat to be abused??
So she rushed into a marriage without finding out how the guy really was...a mistake that she now realises.
Asking someone to try to tolerate bad behaviour is destructive.
People don't change...she needs to get out.
(I don't usually critisize advice given here, each too his own...but seriously nobody should put up with abuse)
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (13 March 2010):
 how long were you together before you got married? did you spend a lot of time together before marriage or was it all long distance?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): "Unfortuntately in USA, no one has any one to trust for right solutions and that is why all these unknown people give advices w/o knowing any thing what is happening in any one's life."
Female Anony Do you know what's happening in her life.If you don't think porn is a problem that's your life.she thinks porn is a problem.that's her life.that's her choice.Where does ego come into this I wonder?
"I know - you may not like 100 thing but that is your reference. It is not neccessary that he is robot and think excatly same as you think."
She is not a robot either.she has feelings too.
Every church is not bad.some churches are really good for couple counseling.
Didn't you have Miamine not reading OP's post properly and apologizing later?It happens online.But it still happens.If you talk to someone in real life there are better chances of putting your feelings and thoughts across.
she is a wife not a slave to give up all her wishes and expectations.
OP compromises are necessary in a marriage but not at the cost of your happiness.Talk to someone first who thinks PORN is WRONG.The church doesn't condone porn.If he is a christian too then there are high chances that your marriage can work after counseling from the church.You can definitely reach some common ground regarding other issues as Laura rightly said.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, sonnyboymonte +, writes (13 March 2010):
if you know you can do better and he doesnt treet you how you want 2 be treated then dont do it bt if you love him and know you can trust him and know he will respect you then stay with him if you have more questions just ask me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): "I even accepted his past about drinking, smoking, and losing his virginity to his girlfriend."
All these are not crimes that you accepted them as a favour to him. I'm not saying that because most people are like that but because your husband is. He will not thikn that you are a saint for having "accepted" him. You may have your standards but you were compromising for yourself. He is not at fault here. So you can't expect him to be grateful.
You have called many, many names - chronic liar, selfish, insecure, disrespectful, dishonest, controlling and cheap... And nothing to back it up with, except that he is not religious.
What is religious to you? Did he prentend to go to church everyday? Did he prentend that he sleeps with a photo of his god under the pillow? You need to be more specific about how you feel that he misrepresented himself... Why did he need to do that? Is he jobless? In need of your money?
Of course, you can leave him, if you like. It's better to do that now rather than wait until you have kids and make things more complicated.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): Dear lady,
After reading all the answers, i find all the suggestions that come to any one in problem is "leave him", "leave her", "divorce him", "divorce her", "she is worst" or "he is worst".
Unfortuntately in USA, no one has any one to trust for right solutions and that is why all these unknown people give advices w/o knowing any thing what is happening in any one's life.
My feeling is that is is normal initial phase of marriage coz, it changes life for both wife and husband. It give thme responsibility and it takes time to start living togethor happily. Divorce is not a option in your case. It seems from your post that you are loaded with your expectations from him and i am sure he has his set of expecations from you as well. My advice is that you start loving the weakness of him or errors that he make ( what you feel is the error ), and you will get life much better than what you have. I know ego- battle that keep happenig b/n couple and it is normal. Once a week or twice a week fight is also healthy and normal. That shows that expectations are live and they are connected.
Remember , it is the EGO that kills the marriage , no else.
I know - you may not like 100 thing but that is your reference. It is not neccessary that he is robot and think excatly same as you think.
If he forget the gift for you on birthday, _ Laugh at it and say " Hey honey, you again forgot my gift..." any way but i did not forget cooking this special dish for you." I am sure he will say - oh my god and will make up for it next time.
So REDUCE THE EGO, CHANGE FOR HIM ( and he will do the same automatically ), GIVE HIM SPACE, REDUCE THE EXPECTATION LOVE THE WEAKNESS OF HIM. -- these are my advice to you to make your life much happier than you imagine. DO not forget to post the result of above. ( Remember adjustments and compromises are part of life and as much you do, more happier you will be).
Divorce is option when there are extreme problems like he has a affair etc etc. Not for usual husband and wife and family issues
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (13 March 2010):
 You should go for marriage counselling first and try to find a middle ground or compromise.
Give your best and try to make it work and if you are still unhappy and feel that you are incompatible or a torture to stay married, then you need to separate to see if you can live without the other.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 March 2010):
Ok, I'll take on everybody's criticisms of me. I owe you a big apology. I did not read your post properly, and missed where you say you have suffered emotional and verbal abuse and are now very depressed.
What I actually read was a woman who had married a man who she hardly knows and is now upset because he is very different from how he first appeared.
"selfish, insecure, disrespectful, dishonest, controlling and cheap".. if you say such things to him, tell him how disappointed you are that you married him, then I'm not surprised that he is worried that your having an affair or are thinking of leaving him.
"He doesn't seem to put any effort in trying to do anything special for me on his own. I have to keep asking him." When you ask him, dose he actually do anything special in the end or dose he ignore your requests?
At the end of the day, you've not been married long, and you don't suit. Your unhappy and a divorce is best for you. To most women in this position, I try to explain that this is normal in the early days of marriage. That marriage is about compromise and learning to live together and create your own happiness.
"And when I point out his mistakes he tries to degrade me and say "oh so you think you are perfect?" and tries to accuse me of never being happy with what he does and that im probably having affairs"... This dosen't sound like verbal abuse, but again, I'm not in your situation. This sounds more like a man reacting to an argument. Do you say nothing to upset him, or is it just him insulting you all the time?'
I still can't really understand what your husband is doing that has driven you to depression. You've mentioned looking at pornography, smoking and drinking and checking out your facebook. But again that is just me, you are not happy and you don't have to put up with such things.
Please return to your family and friends. Petition for divorce under "unreconcilable differences". I'm not sure about the law in the USA, but in the UK, the things you have described would not (I think) be enough for the judges to consider a divorce.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (13 March 2010):
 I think this is not going to improve on its own, you could try and get help together but it will only work if he wants to make a change.
Right now, if he truly loved you he would not be abusing you and doing more to help you.
Its easy to say after the event, but you should not rush into marrige unless you truly know a person first.
Hope this works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Talk to your church pastor or counselor from the church.They are the best people to guide you. No one at the church is going to tell you that your husband watching porn is okay. Hope this helps.Do not get hurt by rude answers. That's the way the world is.You can't change the world. Develop a tougher skin.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 March 2010):
Long distance relationship!!!!! Ah, cut that out, you have many things you need in a man, and you won't find out his faults this way. Make sure you know the next man and see him everyday, make sure you know his friends and family so you can make sure that there is no way he can hide or lie about the way he really is.
I'm not surprised your unhappy, you don't even know the guy you fell in love with from afar. You fell in love with a fairytale, because you know nothing about the real man.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 March 2010):
Your husband was wrong to lie about his character, you and your husband are mismatched and you will never be happy and accept him as he is.
The things he dose are what many millions of men do. He smokes, he drinks, he watches a bit of pornography, he drinks, he's fell in love before, all very normal habits for many men in the world. But as you said, much lower than your normal standards. Please get a divorce, this marriage can't be fixed, he's a normal guy and your looking for a saint. Go back to church, hopefully your perfect guy will overlook your lack of virginity and the fact that you've been married before and will love you anyway.
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A
male
reader, Kenny666 +, writes (12 March 2010):
Abusive relationships are usually this way. They always apologize and say "oh I'm so sorry, it'll never happen again i promise" but it always happens again. I say break it off ASAP, and if he tries to abuse you again, call the cops. No one should take that kind of crap.
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