A
male
age
51-59,
*guardian
writes:I have been dating this girl for about 7 weeks, she just recently broke up with me because I kept complaining to her about her time being spent more with her friends (mostly guys) than me. It seems to me that the only time she wants to spend with me is when I have money to take her out and it's usually to a local bar or club where she takes her attention off me for other men, not other women. I have asked her to make more time for me instead and she says it's my fault for not asking or planing things with her, but the truth is that even if I had made plans with her, she will come along and then have me drop her off just for her to leave to a party or bar and meet up with her friends. She doesn't call me to let me know she is home and I won't hear from her until the next day, usually by noon or so. Even though she and I were dating, exclusively, as she agreed, she still has her profile on POF and checks it regularly. She refuses to put it on "Hidden" mode and tells me that she is a very socialble person and will not stop talking to any of her male friend, even an ex that she dated for over a year that was a married man. She accepts gifts from him and regularly keeps in touch with him without his wife knowing. On couple of occasions she has told me that I am not the type of guy she usually dates but that she thinks Im cute. The sad part about it is that I have fallen in love with her and we have had sex one time when we were both drunk on our second date but have not had sex since. The following day she admitted to me that she regret it because she did not want the relationship to be based on sex and that she wanted me to wait for about 2 months to make sure I was not in it for the sex. Well, 2 months have come and went and still didnt have sex because she said that the relationship was complicated because of my lack of self confidence and jealousy. I greatly believe that she has no respect for me because I am not her type and because I dont have a washboard stomach although I am very active and physical, work out 5 to 6 days a week and even at times with her. On one occassion, we went to her gym to workout and she left me alone while she went to talk to her male friends at the gym instead of spending time with me and when I brought it up to her attention and asked why she didnt introduce me to her friends, she responded with...You're not my boyfriend so I didnt feel like you needed to meet my friends. We have had many arguements about this and she refuses to change or at least compromise. I have never asked her to drop her friends for me, simply to give me priority and spend quality time with me outside of the gym. Like I said before, it's all good if Im spending money on her or taking her out to eat but when there is no money and all I want is to chill with her and have quality time with her, she says she is tired or sick, but once I drop her off and I leave, she goes out to tan or for a hike and whatever else it it that she does. Everytime we are together, she turns her cell phone down or off and I ask her why she does that and her reply is that she doesnt want to hear my mouth, just because it always seems to be a guy calling or texting her. She even stays in touch with one of her old trainers who she had a sexual relationship with but she claims she does not see him like that anymore. In the heat of some of our arguements she has stated that she she is not attracted to me and I just dont do it for her but when she calms down she tells me she only said it because she was mad. I probably know that it's time to let go and get out but I have fallen hard for her. Our first 3 weeks were great and then it just started going down hill from there because I wouldnt keep my mouth shut about her other affairs. Any advice???
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affair, broke up, confidence, drunk, jealous, married man, money, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2012): That's sounds like my son's ex-girlfriend, my son's ex-girlfriend only care about herself and what she can get out of a guy, she is a real gold digger and a big liar so all I have to say is be very very carefull because SOME of these women got ice in their veins and do not care who they hurt. I believe it makes her feel good knowing that you're hurting.
You've only being with her 7 weeks so if I were you I would run like hell and wouldn't look back, just be glad it wasn't 7 years then you would really be messed up so you should thank her because she let you know how she is within 2 month, you were dishing out money so be thankful because she could have played the game for longer than 7 weeks. I say you didn't lose anything but she lost a good thing because once she get older and ready to settle down then she's look back and say she should of stayed with you because you never forget a good thing but then its too late, never look back always go forward.
Good Luck
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 OP, yes I think you should .
And ,pardon me, but you should be very honest with yourself and ask yourself how much of this instant love is constituted by the Tantalus effect : i.e. she has dangled the sex carrot under your nose so far ( and , BTW, she did not " make you wait" for sex that long : you had sex on the 2nd date ! ) ,and you may be understandably frustrated and disappointed that you can't cash in your good conduct prize as she had promised.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (13 January 2012):
 I guess you should.
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A
male
reader, xguardian +, writes (13 January 2012):
xguardian is verified as being by the original poster of the question So she hasn't called or texted me for 2 days now, she used to call or text me everyday. I have been getting the silent treatment so I guess I should take this as a sign.
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A
male
reader, xguardian +, writes (13 January 2012):
xguardian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your time and advice, well taken. I feel like I have to throw the white towel in at this point and I'll do so tonight. I havent spoken to her in two days, which is odd because she used to call me during her lunch and before going to bed, at a text but I havent received anything from her. I just hate that some women have to play with a good man's emotions...it's sad. But thank you. And as far as everything that all of you said, you guys are right on target. She is so much into her body and hates to even conceive the thought of getting fat or old. She loves to be the center of attention. I guess I should have seen that from jump street (from the start). Once again thank you.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (13 January 2012):
 Hi exguardian,
I hate the fact that she was having lunch with a friend and made you wait for her? Then she calls you angry, blaming you that it's your fault that you didn't wait and that you both could've been together having fun? Wow!.. It's confusing because you said the first 3 weeks were amazing and did everything as couple. But, right now the way she treats you makes me believe that she doens't want to be in a exclusive relationship. I don't know her and I am not trying to be rude, but she's a little manipulative the way she talks to you and how she makes you feel. It's strange to me that she has so much time for her friends but not for you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 What I'm about to say is meant to be constructive not harsh. Better it come from me, a stranger on the internet who doesn't matter, than someone you admire and want to impress.I think what triggered your insecurity with this woman is what drew you to her in the first place. She is an unhappy person because she doesn't know how to make real friends. The only tool in her belt is bribery. And the only reason these men pay her any mind is because they believe they have a chance with her. Once she is out of the running her so called friends will disappear leaving her only you for company. She has few, if any, women friends because she has nothing to bribe them with. On some level you must have sensed that about her, hence your haste to secure a relationship (seven weeks is hasty). You probably thought you could satisfy both her need for male attention by lavishing her with yours and your need for security by encouraging her dependence on you.Your mistakes here were the woman you chose, moving way too quickly, spending too much time together, pressing for exclusivity too soon and begging for attention. Forget her. You're not a challenge to her. She doesn't need to bribe you to keep you around and so she has lost interest. Build your confidence on your own. The more you can rely on yourself, the less you will have to rely on anyone else to make you feel secure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): She is using you and possibly other men. She is probably one of those women who uses her looks and targets men who do not have great self esteem. I'm surprised she hasn't asked you to pay her phone bill or some other bill.
I had run into a few men who have told me that there are at last 5 regular women that do that on POF and in my city.
I suspect she is one of those women. Monogamy is not her game nor is it settling down with one sweet man.
Dude, you are being played. By a Narcissist no less. You like abuse- then stick around because that is all she is going to do to you. The dynamic of your relationship is already set.
If you can't smarten the heck up and run when you know a woman is treating you like poop- what are we going to do for you?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 January 2012):
I suppose just move on and go on with your life. Didn't you say she just broke up with you ? So, stay broken up . She showed she does not want a committed relationship with you, plus you have the ( legitimate ) doubt that she was into you just because you can spend money on her.
Not the best foundations for a good relationship.
Stop begging for her time and attention , and go exercise on your own. If you meet her at the gym or elsewhere, be polite, otherwise keep your distance. Probably you haven't fallen as hard as you think, it was a 3 weeks fling - if you don't feed this attraction and find ways to distract yourself, it will fade sooner than you expect.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): I'm sorry but she has said your not her boyfriend, she acts as though she doesn't want you to be her boyfriend either. Of course if your going to spend money on her, she is going to let you because she is using you. You need to listen to what she has said. She doesn't have time for you because she doesn't want to have time for you. I would say the best thing now is cut contact for a while, get over her and move on. She isn't going to make you her priority, no matter how much you want her to, and even if you do work on these insecurities (which I don't think you actually have), it won't change things between you. I am sorry to say this, but I am being honest. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, xguardian +, writes (12 January 2012):
xguardian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAunty Bim Bim...I think you may be wrong in regards to falling in love..you see, I am a very passionate man and I tend to fall fast and hard...like I said before, the first 3 weeks were out of this world and for a woman to make me wait for sex sends me through the roof, I respect that and admire that...for the most part (without tooting my own horn, I have never been told no when it comes to sex...usually within the first 7 days I have slept with some of my exs) this one is special but I cant place my finger on why. I think its because she is much like one of my ex that is dear to my heart and I sort of make that connection, with the exception of the "b@%$h" part of her, my ex was and still is a great woman and she loved me like no other, we are not together because she made some mistakes that caused her to get into some trouble and because of that we cant be together.
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A
male
reader, xguardian +, writes (12 January 2012):
xguardian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you chickpea...I know I do have some issues and I do take full ownership of them but honestly I also think as you do because i see her interacting with others and she so much into herself. I totally agree with you that when your are in a relationship, even if you're dating, you should try to spend as much time together as possible to get to know the person, inside and out. This is not the case. Just last week she wanted to workout but she wanted me to wait around until she got done having lunch with a friend so I told her because I wasnt going to be waiting until she got done, so instead she goes to her local hang out bar and then texts me and tells me that if I wouildnt have been pouting, I could have been with her having fun but yet there was one of her bar guy friends buying her drinks. I never heard from her for the rest of the day until the following day after noon...its actions like this that cause me to be doubtful about her.
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A
male
reader, xguardian +, writes (12 January 2012):
xguardian is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK advice well taken but at this point what should I do? I mean for the first 3 weeks we basically acted as if we were a couple, we did everything together and for the most part we see eachoter during our lunches and still workout together from time to time but now it has deminished little by little. For example, we talked yesterday and she basically told me she wasnt going to have time for me since she is moving but did not ask for my help but yet she is going to the beach with her friends on Saturday.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 January 2012):
Hi xguardian,
Reading your post, I don't think you are jealous or insecure person. This relationship is fairly new and already you have issues that bothers you and your girlfriend is not willing to compromise. We all need balance in life, meaning family, friends, co-workers and personal life. We all somehow try to manage as best as we can. My impression of your girlfriend as you describe your relationship is that she's not ready to be in a committed relationship. She's independent, has strong personality and she's seems the kind of person that will always put herself first. Believe me, those are all good qualities, but when you are in a relationship you are supposed to share your life with your partner. The things you have asked her is pretty much fair, as a matter fact, I don't even think you should be asking her, she should call you, let you know where she's, what she's doing, call you when get home, etc.... Also, most of the time the man make the plans, but she should also ask you or suggest.
It has been 7 weeks and I don't think she'll change, so it's for you to decide. You know her, you know what to expect from her and if you are ok with that stay, if you are not happy it's better to end things now before you get more attached to her and if that happens it will be harder for you to move on. Sorry that you feel this way, just know that you are a normal guy and what you want from her is not much... I hope you can make the right decision for you.
Good luck/best wishes
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (12 January 2012):
Seven weeks is too soon to fall in love, it is even hard to get to know a person in seven weeks!
I think you need to listen to your gut feelings here, if she is saying you are not her boyfriend you also need to listen to her.
I think you are investing too much of your time, and too much emotion into this woman, who does not appear to be wanting an exclusive relationship with you.
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