A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A friend of mine is going through a lot of pain. His wife cheated on him a few years back for 3 years. The affair ended in 2008 when he found it out. It was so bad that he is not sure that his son is biologically his. There is a 50% chance. He is a good father to his son and his other older daughter. He does not want to even think of him as someone else’s, so will not do a DNA test. He is pretty religious, and I have asked him to take help of his church. But he is adamant on making his marriage work. He believes that marriage is not just for our kids, but also for our friends and family. All those are good thoughts but after so many years gone by, nothing has healed in his mind. It’s all still tormenting him and he is emotionally single.Both of them have seen a counselor who basically wanted to make sure nothing like that will happen in the future. In which the wife basically said she really did not care about the other guy and did everything “for fun”. I know for certain that she dumped the other guy as well leaving him in a mess and breaking his marriage. She also went on a fun trip to Vegas with her girl-friends after soon after the incident. Her family is awesome and treat my friend more than a son.At this point I am not sure if I should encourage him for saving his marriage or advise him otherwise, knowing how she is and how lonely and disconnected he is from her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): Thank You all for the responses. Yes, I will right now just be there for him.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Hi,
What hurts the most about affairs is the betrayal. Once you lose trust it's hard to be able to trust again. We all know that things will never be the same as before, now your friend is faced with this situation and he should consider few things:
1) does he still love his wife?
2) can he be able to forgive her?
He's the only one that can decide if he can save the marriage. The important thing is forgiveness. If he cannot forgive her completely I am afraid that this marriage will not survive and being together will only cause pain for the both of them, affecting his daughther and son. Forgiveness is very hard, it takes a strong person to have the ability to forgive.... Sorry that your friend had to go through this horrific experience. No words can describe the pain and how it changes a person inside and out and changes your whole life... I truly hope that your friend can find answers to his questions and after so many years in pain, I hope he can find peace and happiness....
Good luck/ best wishes
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 The best thing you can do as his friend is support HIM, not steer him toward a particular decision. He may well end his marriage but he will only have the conviction to do so if he believes he did everything he could to save it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): if he's adamant about "making his marriage work" - whatever that means to him personally - then he will not appreciate you encouraging him to leave and will resent you if you push your view onto him. if he starts to resent you then he's no longer seeing you as a support. This is what I would do: next time he expresses any negative feeling toward his marriage situation, ask him "Do you want my honest opinion? If not then I wont' say it. But if you do want my opinion, here it is."So then he can make the choice to let you speak and it wouldn't be you pushing your view onto him against his will.And if he says that yes he does want to hear your opinion, then you can tell him why you feel this marriage is bad for him and why he should leave. But expect him to counter every argument with reasons to stay. At that point, let him get the last word in, otherwise he will never solicit your opinion again and may stop seeing you as a support if you make him feel uncomfortable by pushing your view.Unfortunately you can't really "make" someone see the sad reality of their situation. they have to come to a realization themselves. If it's ever going to happen, it will probably happen gradually over a long time and he may not even voice it out loud.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Sounds as if you've already talked with him, empathized and recognized the pain and loneliness he's going through.
Perhaps you could ask him if there is anything he would like you to do for him, OR simply continue to "be there" for him, getting together socially sometimes, but offer no more comments unless he specifically asks.
I'm sure he knows he has your support; only he has to let this whole sad situation play out as it (and he) will.......
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): If he is a church going man, then tell him to take this matter to the Lord. He makes a decision and then prays on it and waits for an answer.Yes God hears all prayers. Just people dont' realize he answers yes, no, or wait.And even then, when you ask for more strength to overcome trials- you usually receive a trial. Which people don't understand as well.Anyways...Forgiveness, healing can be done so long as he has the heart/desire to do so. He has to work daily to forgive.Even though wife sounds like a narcissist and this Dude may be suffering an emotionally abusive relationship so even though the cheating has stopped- other things may still be happening that keep peeling off the scab to his healing.If that is the case; I don't believe the Lord supports Abusive Marriages.
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