A
female
age
36-40,
*ridgetJones
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. He is very kind, sweet and generous and I've never had any doubts that he's a good person. The only real problem we've had is his porn usage - I don't like it, I think the majority is degrading to women, but he insists every guy in the world watches it so he continues to do so. Two nights ago I was on his email account sorting out some financial things and I saw an email confirming registration on a BDSM/fetish/kinky sex "community" website (basically a dating/meet people for sex site). I went on it with his username and he'd created the account that very evening, and had added a few girls as friends. He'd chatted to one girl using IM though I couldn't see what was said, but in his mailbox there was a message he'd sent to this girl giving her his Skype account username and saying 'look forward to seeing your snake :p' (a tattoo maybe?). This Skype account is not his usual account; he'd created a secret one.I logged back in a night later and he'd updated his profile on there to say he was in a relationship but his girlfriend (me) was tame and scared of anything other than straight sex, and he wanted to chat/webcam with people who are into the more adventurous side of sex, mainly girls. He'd also added a number of girls as friends on there. I confronted him on the phone last night and at first he denied it and played it down, then when he realised I knew all about it, he got hysterical and cried, he apologised and said he'd been an absolute idiot etc. We talked again today and he cried and said sorry again.I feel so let down. He said he only said those things to make people interested in him enough to talk to him. He said he never intended to actually video call any girls. He basically just said his curiosity took him too far. But I'm so angry! I asked him if I hadn't found out, would he have continued using the site, having sexual conversations with other girls etc, and he admitted he probably would have. Yet he says he is sorry, says he can't bear the thought of being without me, says he'll never do it again, says he's been stupid and will do anything for forgiveness.I feel so hurt. I trusted him more than anyone. I tried to turn a blind eye to his porn usage even though it made me uncomfortable, but now this. I don't know how far he would have taken this thing, whether he would have had webcam sex, met someone in person etc, given the chance. He swears he wouldn't have but I don't know if I believe him. The other thing is his alleged fetishes (he listed 18 of them on his profile). I said maybe it would be better if he was single so he could go and satisfy these urges or whatever, but he sobbed and said he didn't want to do that and it's just curiosity, and that he just wants to stay with me.I'm so confused. Does this count as cheating? Should I try to forgive him and make our relationship work?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (19 January 2012):
 "I'm so confused. Does this count as cheating? Should I try to forgive him and make our relationship work?"
Problem is your thinking only about you. Is my guy cheating on me? Should I forgive him? Should I bother treating him decently..... You, you, you....
He's on a website looking for some sexual interaction, because he is bored and fed up with your sex life. You haven't once mentioned if he's happy with you or your sex life, you haven't seem to question why he should need more than you. Instead, everything is great, but your angry that he's looking for more.
I don't think your guy is happy. I think he loves you, but I don't think he's sexually satisfied. That means, even if he isn't on websites, sex with you is boring and a chore. I'm assuming he's tried to explain what he might like, but if he hasn't it's time you two sat down and talked. Dump him if you can't sexually satisfy him, because he'll have to continue the websites or he'll have to indulge in pornography or affairs to get his sexual needs fulfilled.
Yes he has a fetish, these are usually picked up when we are young and stay with us until death. If people don't have the chance to safely express their fetish, then they will express in harmful ways.
The sex sites are only the symptom of a man unhappy with sex. Get honest communication going and find some compromises that will make you both happy and he won't feel the need for strange women to talk sex with him and make him feel sexy and accepted.
Fetishes are bad, we don't choose them, everyone has things that are important, you seem to be disregarding how important it is to him. These women online don't, that's why he finds them attractive, even though it's you that he loves.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2012): Hi. Very kind, sweet men dont disrespect you on a public sex site by discussing your sexual performance with other women. Nor do they set up secret accounts to have sexual conversations and perform sex acts live on camera with other women. That is indeed cheating and he was preparing to do that to you. And just for the record not ALL men watch pornography. If that is the ONLY reason he watches porn and he knows it doesnt sit well with you...why does he continue to do it? He watches porn because he enjoys it and has no intention of stopping, regardless of how you feel about it. Infact, he enjoys it so much he is now seeking to expand his online sexual activities and wishes to go beyond just watching. He has lied to you, sneakily set up an account for the purpose of sexual contact with other women and thinks if he cries you will forgive him. He sounds like a piece of work quite frankly!
If you do stay with him, you will be constantly watching and worrying about his activities once out of your sight. Because you know now that he lies, can not be trusted and was preparing to cheat on you for some cheap thrills. I dont know you but i am convinced you deserve to be treated far better than that. I wouldnt waste any more time on him.
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A
male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (12 January 2012):
Sometimes there are things about ourselves we can admit to strangers, but are afraid to talk about with the people we love for fear of ruining their opinion of us. What he has done is far from ideal, but maybe this is the reason. You have a choice. If you're now completely disgusted with him, and hate the sight of him, drop him. On the other hand, if you still want to try and make things work, since you've been with him for a year and you describe him as 'sweet, kind and generous' in your post I suggest you have a long, hard look at his fetishes. If any appeal, or you think you might enjoy them or at least give some a chance (and do look into your heart of hearts and be honest with yourself- everyone, man or woman, yourself included, has at least one or two aspects of sexuality a bit out of the ordinary which they might like to explore) then see if you both can explore them together. Relationships flourish if people have things in common, and this includes sexual quirks. Perhaps you'll find that you have more in common with him than you might have realized. Good luck and be honest with him and yourself, wherever this may lead you.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (12 January 2012):
 Well, on your view towards porn. The porn that is consensual is not demeaning to women, as they enjoy whatever they are doing. Some do it for money, but they do not last long if they do not enjoy it. I have been majorly into fetishes, as well as normal sex, for the last 6 years, and mostly, there are woemn on there. The ones that submit and get called names, in the rare event that porns have that, they enjoy it. I know, because many women enjoy being called slut and whore, that I have been with. Perhaps I attract those kinds of people, but the "degradation" is a turn on for them and it is not actually degrading. What is degrading is not doing what a woman asks, because she is a woman. Women that like to be spanked and whipped are not degraded either, because they LIKE it. The porns that have women being degraded and spanked and whipped and done anally that don't like that? RARE. When they are done, they never show up for another video, as I said before. This guy probably has a favorite pornstar. He is NOT into the kind of porns that I am talking about. Hell, I'm not even into the kinds that I consider possibly degrading. He is into the kinds of porn where a girl is having sex and saying, "FUCK ME HARDER" why? Because she likes to have rough sex. You are probably thinking, "well, he likes to watch anal porn." Well, that can be VERY enjoyable for men or women. I am quite hung, and if I were to do anal WRONG it could hurt like hell, but if I do it right, you would enjoy it. I know, because I have gotten over a dozen women to go from hating it to only doing that. What is my point? Porn, with few exceptions, just like everything else, is completely consensual and wanted by both parties. Rarely is porn done for just the money. In the event it is, those people leave. Fact is, there is not a big enough demographic to cater to, in terms women doing stuff that they don't want to do to make a quick buck. That section of the business is unstable, and there are plenty of masochistic women that display the same reactions, but get a massive endorphine rush as soon as it is over, and often during. As far as does it count as cheating? No, it counts as him being to stupid to cheat. He is lying to you. You cannot trust him. You should not try and make the relationship work. If he is going to go onto a fetish website, make a skype, ask for skypes, and then skype and flirt, he is going to have sex if they say lets meet up and have sex. If there were two beautiful big boobed blondes that said, "I want you to ram my backside and spank it hard while I eat her out", he come back with a resounding YES. So, what to take from this?Porn is consensual and 99.9% of the women, especially those in mainstream porns (which is what he looks at) enjoy what they do or they leave! Your boyfriend is a cheater.Inbox me if you have more questions! -IHateWomanBeaters
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