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anonymous
writes:Hey, my relationship with my bf is not going the way I wanted things, but I am afraid to start again with another person and to start from "0" again. At the same time, I feel like I don't have much time left in terms of forming a family. I am 30 years old and I know that most of you will say that I am still on time, but I don't feel that way. I feel that by the time I get to know that other person untill the time to form a family, it is going to be too late. However, I am tired of not being love by my bf... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank all of your replies and advices. I have not decided yet; but you had definitely given me some great advices. I did not go into details of my relationship, and I just want to add that I love my bf very much; but he has not been honest with me for a long time; and I guess my love for him faded away with the years. It is a long story, but to make it short he had never (after 4 years of relationship with me) told his ex-gf that he has moved on and that he is with me now. He stills calls her and tells her that he is in no relationship since they broke up. They are still fight like if they were still together, and I can’t stand that anymore, that is why. He is a liar, liar, but I have not had the courage to leave him. It is hard and I have nobody to talk to and that’s why I write to dearcupid. That’s why I thank you all for your advices…
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): Confession time....So I married for the same reason you are going to do. Then, 4 years into the marriage found out my spouse could not have children. So, I had my daughter via a sperm donor. Looking back, I was in such a hurry to start a family I didn't look at the main ingredient because when my daughter got ready to leave I wondered...What had I taught her about being in love....only my words, not my actions. Then I was left with what to do with the man I didn't love when my daughter left. Now I am starting over at just under 50, trying to find the real deal. Whose sorry now. Fate has a way of handing you justice.
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reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (22 January 2008):
 Ok... I'm going to say it... Try that hideous horrible thing called DATING... The very thought of it switches me off to be honest but I'm 29 and thinking the only way to meet someone special is to get out there, have fun, go into it thinking you're just going to meet loads of new people and enjoy it, date as many as possible and take things slowly.
If the date isn't suitable or not what you want then you don't have to see them again. If you're not sure then why not go for another. Get to know them and then you'll find someone special, make your decision and run with it.
I know what I want in a girl and the only way I'm going to find someone with the qualities I'm looking for is to play the numbers game.
Don't waste your time worrying when you could be doing other things with it... Once time has been spent you'll never get it back but don't just settle for something short of what you want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): STaying with him for the sake of it is the worst thing you can do - walk away now before you have kids & you don't love him. Its not fair on him, the kids or you.
After I broke up with my ex I felt exactly the same way. A lot of my friends were either married, getting married/had or having kids and I felt like such the odd one out but it worked out to my advantage.
I'm with the kindest, nicest, most generous person I have ever met! I'm so much happier now. He has one kid & some times we talk of having another but there's no rush on us just yet.
Think long and wise about what you want from this relationship besides kids before making a decision
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I agree wholeheartedly with Waterloo. You are proposing to remain in a relationship where you are unhappy in order to have a family becsause you feel 'time' isn't on your side. My suggestion: Cut this guy loose and you muster up the courage to face life, get out there and make your own happiness with someone else, more suited to you and a man you can love. Can you just imagine going ahead and having a family with this guy you don't love. Who in the long run, suffers the most from your bad decision? All the future kids you might have. All kids deserve to have an intact family with two parents who love each other. That makes for a happy life for them and a functional, good healthy home. And let me say one thing...raising kids is darned hard work. You will need the support and love of a good man to get you through the future challenges. It's a "two-person' job...a team effort...plain and simple
Some people define their happiness by taking, and this is what you would be doing if you remain in a relationship with a man you don't love anymore. If he doesn't make you happy, nor you him, get out of this now. you have a good decade of time before kids can come into the picture. Women are having babies well into their 40's...you are not too old. Heck, I had a perfectly healthy baby in 1991 at at 36! And the other gals on the maternity ward were 40 plus. The medical and pre natal care are amazing these days and new strides are being introduced every year.
Accept that this man isn't the one for you. You'd be doing him a favor as well. Do you think he wants to have a family with a woman who doesn't love him? Let him go and go find someone who makes you the happiest you can be. Your 'future' kids will thank you for that, someday.
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reader, emad khan  +, writes (22 January 2008):
 It seems to me that somehow youre missing a major point here. you have this list of things "to by accomplished by such and such a time". I think you need to look really profoundly and whats going on here. I'm not trying to make you angry here... I'm on your side, trying to help you solve this thing.
It sounds to me, that you don't love your boyfriend. You're afraid to start from 0, which tells me, youre basically staying in the relationship out of fear.
This doesn't seem like a very healthy basis for starting a family.
Secondly, this fear that you have of "running out of time". Is this pushing you to put pressure on your boyfriend? If so, no wonder he's backing off.
You're putting the fear of God into him probably...You're probably making him wonder if you're the right person for him.
I think the approach you need to take is this: Relax. You're not running out of time. You need to re-evaluate the relationship youre in. In all honesty, it doesn't seem like you're even in-love with this person. Fear keeps you tied to it, but you can't base your life on the fear of this or that...
Its great to want to have a family, I'd like one too...but the time has to be right. Real love, and commitment have to be the foundation of the family...otherwise- you can just look forward to a divorce...
So take your time, don't be rushed. Evaluate your feelings. and everything will turn out for the best. (or so we hope)
Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): You cannot base your life or your future on having a family and your biological time clock running out! Life is to be lived so stop worrying. If you dont love your bf then get out of the situation if you know that it isnt going to get any better, but dont hang onto him as a father to your children. That is so unfair to your future kids and also to your bf and yourself. Be true to yourself and stop worrying about this time clock running out. I had my 3rd at the age of 39. So you have plenty of time to meet someone else. But dont go out there looking for prospective sperm donors. Have a life and live it.
take care
xx
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