A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need someone neutral's advice - I think I'm too close to the situation to be able to think clearly, and I don't know what the right thing to do is any more.My girlfriend and I have been living together for about 8 years, but recently we broke up after I found some overly-flirty and totally inappropriate texts on her phone from a guy she works with. She says that the texts was just harmless flirting, but after we talked it out she said she thought that maybe her feelings for me have changed. We decided to spend time apart to give each other time and space to work out what we wanted.It's been about 6 weeks now, and we've seen each other every now and then, and we still get on great. There's an awful amount of love between us but she was saying she still didn't know what she wanted.That night she was staying over and I overheard a conversation she was having with her friend about how this guy was sending her really dity, sexually explicit texts and photos and how it really turned her on and she liked the attention.Needless to say I was heartbroken and hurt - I haven't given her attention because we're supposed to be acting like we're apart... I told her I'd heard her conversation and was disappointed that I'd given her time and space to think about things and yet this guy took it as carte blanche to bombard her with messages. And I was upset that she responded, because it meant she wasn't thinking about how to get the relationship sorted, she was actively destroying it. It was never a fair situation if he never stopped contacting her; if I'd been contacting her as well, I'd have stood a chance!I guess it made me realise that this relationship doesn't stand a chance, because I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me or who cares so little about my feelings. So in spite of the huge sadness and deep hurt I feel, I accept it's over, and I'm moving cities to be away from it all.But this guy's girfriend knows nothing about what's going on. And I feel she should know - not out of spiteful revengeful, believe me. I wouldn't want anyone to feel the pain I'm feeling. Admittedly, part of me thinks it's really unfair that me and my ex-gf are hurting and this guy gets off scott free, and I feel he should suffer as well. But mainly I think of his girlfriend and how she should know what her boyfriend's doing. Maybe he hasn't cheated on her yet, but he's not far off it and if she knows even to just look at his phone she'll be in a position where she has the power and she can decide what she wants to do on her terms, rather than the way my relationship ended for me. If she knew, then she wouldn't have to go through what I went through.But another part of me says that I should just walk away - it's not my problem any more, and I'll just end up getting involved in something I don't want to be involved in. I know her friends, and I feel like I want to drop a hint to them, so they can pass on the info to her.If she knows, surely it'd be better for her? She can either end their relationship (I'd love for him to be hurting as much as I am), but I'd be happy even for her to challenge him and get their own relationship sorted for the better - it's too late for me, but not for her. I know part of me is being selfish for telling her, but I also feel that it's the right thing to do. But I don't know which is the more motivating factor... Help!!
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male
reader, previasc96  +, writes (13 August 2008):
That was rather lengthy! Should you tell? YES! why should you feel guilty afterward. The guy helped destroy what you have, he shouldn't get to have his cake and eat it, while you eat dirt! Let his girl know.
A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother +, writes (12 August 2008):
 I'm so sorry to read about your situation and I think your decision to end your relationship is the right one. You are handling things with maturity and dignity.
However, under no circumstances should you get involved by blowing the whistle on this other man. No-one will thank you for it and there could be all sorts of repercussions.
Take your own advice and walk away. Be a gentleman about it and hold your tongue but be sure the truth will, eventually, find him out.
Good luck with your move and best wishes for your future happiness.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 First, you are right in saying your relationship with your girl has no future. I know it happens, and I know why, but, in principle, people in relationships are not supposed to flirt, and much less to accept flirting. Second, she asked for "time apart" when you questioned her accepting that flirting. Third, she says maybe her feelings have changed. Which means they have. The relationship is indeed over.
Maybe the other guy has sensed that, too. Women give signs away when they are emotionally available. Some people, men and women alike, begin their search for someone else when they are emotionally apart, even if they are formally with you. So maybe this happened. I'm not saying the other guy is not to blame for flirting with a commited woman, but I am saying that perhaps he is to blame for only half.
As to letting this guy's girlfriend know that he's been heavily flirting around, I think that's not your business. People react in different ways when they are told awful truths. You don't know how she would take it. I think it's best to walk away.
And, by the way, resist the wish to go back to your ex. She's not interested in you anymore.
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