A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my husband for 5 years and we have a 2 year old child. I have been having an on and off affair with a coworker for 4 years. In the beginning it was supposed to be something casual but I think through time we both fell in love with each other. He is currently single with no kids. I have tried so hard to end things throughout this time, but I was suffering because I felt like I was fighting myself constantly. Then last year I decided to accept that I was in love with him, and I was sad because I thought that he didn't feel the same way, but at the same time I knew that even if he did, that it would be too late for us. Last week we had a talk about our feelings and I explained that I loved him so much that I didn't want to ruin his life by bringing in so much baggage. On his turn he explained to me that he wants me to be with him and that we can work everything out. He also said that he doesn't think I will ever be ready to get a divorce. And when he said that I heard so much pain in his voice. Ofcourse he played it cool. I also had a talk with my husband, a talk we always have and it always ends the same. He cannot change the man he is, and that I should accept him the way he is. He is the perfect guy except when it comes to libido, foreplay, passion, etc. He makes me feel so insecure about myself during sex. In the eyes of the world we are the perfect couple, and we make a good team. I just hate to be one of those couples that get divorced after just a few years, I don't like to fail. His family and my family put him on this pedestal like he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. You could say he is the smart choice considering, but I am not sure how long I can do this. I love them both, it's just that I am more in love with my coworker. I just don't know what to do. I am so afraid of his family and my family hating me for divorcing this "perfect" man. I really thought I could be with him for the rest of my life when I married him, and to be sad about not having my coworker in my life. But now I know that my coworker and I feel the same way, but I don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2016): I have been with my husband for 5 years but married for 2. When we started dating I knew there were some problems sexually but I thought that with time it would work out. However in our second year dating I got pregnant and we got married. Now I see that after countless attempts things will not change because it isn't easy for a person to change.Also, it has troubled me deeply that I have lied and cheated for so long. And I live in fear that one day my husband would find out before I can divorce amicably so to speak. I also have thought long and hard and agreed that my happiness should come from within and should not be related to somebody else. I thought also about seeing a therapist about this. I also have pondered the idea of just living alone after the divorce, just me and my baby, and to after a while start dating the coworker/lover officially.However Eddie brought in a fresh perspective that I haven't thought about. If I stay it will cost me, and if I leave it will also cost me. I think I should weigh those two decisions against each other. Although I think it would be better to just stop lying to my husband, get a divorce, and just be by myself for a while. Thank you all for the advice.
A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (3 June 2016):
 Ultimately, the decision to leave is up to you. No one should make the decision for you. Even if I did say you must (or must not) divorce, I don't think will sway your decision.
You are wrestling with some guilt about divorcing. In fact, you remark that you'll bad about divorcing after just a few years. I hate to break it, but your marriage was pretty much a lie / over almost from the get go. In fact, in the first year, you were cheating.
I understand the need for sex and feeling physically loved. And when that is lacking in one's marriage, in can cause one to do exactly what you are doing: seeking it elsewhere. So your actions are completely understandable.
I think you have a lot to think about:
1) If you continue this charade, what do you think will happen if / when you get caught (and presumably it will come out -- it's not a matter of if, it's when)? What impact will that have on your peers, your family, your legacy and your child? I imagine your husband would be more likely to have a bitter divorce over one that could be somewhat amicable.
2) At one point you did love your husband -- hence your reason for marrying him. Perhaps you could show him a bit of compassion.
3) What if you get pregnant?
4) What impact will this have on you financially? Can you go it alone? And as a parent? Will you want a step-mom (assuming your husband moves on) to be involved in raising your child? How might this impact your child's development?
5) The longer you stay, the more complicated divorce becomes. Property accumulates and there are more assets to split up.
I am just scratching the surface and haven't even brought up the subject of what happens if your coworker and you don't work out... Also how does he feel about potentially being a step-parent or being intertwined with your future ex?
I think you have a lot to sort out and the grass may not be greener on the other side. This is one of life's tricky conundrums that you'll have to sort out for yourself. You know your situation and what makes you happy and what you want out of life. And there will be a price to be paid with whatever decision you make. Just know going in what the cost is likely to be.
You may consider seeing a therapist -- on your own. Having someone to talk to on a professional level may help give you a fresh perspective of what you are giving up and what you stand to gain.
Either way, doing what you are doing is eventually going to lead to the most heartache and pain for everyone involved.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 One year after marriage you have a casual affair? It was meant to be nothing? Why even start it then if it was nothing to you, it makes what you have done to your husband worse. You say you where suffering, what about your husband? I don't see no remorse for him here at all, it is all you you you. You are not only hurting your husband you are also hurting your co worker because he has falling in love with you. Maybe you like the thrill off having two guys on the go. Okay so your husband has a low libido, but surely this is something to work on instead of jumping in to bed a year after you get married. If you want my advice it would be to leave your husband and let him find someone who will treat him well, also finish with the co-worker because he will never be able to trust that you are not cheating behind his back and vice versa. I give you this advice but I think you are to selfish to take it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): I am not judgmental. I don't care that you cheated on your husband and broke the vows.I'd like to point out a fact that you don't know what you want in life. You didn't know even BEFORE you brought a child into this world. That new person you are completely responsible for should be your priority. Now, back to your initial question. You should get a divorce and you should live for a while on your own with your kid and start dating the man who has been your lover for years. First of all, you need to be on your own to put things into perspective. It will do you good to be responsible for yourself and your kid and develop a new relationship with your ex-husband and set a good base for coparenting.Secondly, you don't really know your lover. You don't know how he'll be once you start dating officially. Right now he has ZERO obligations and responsibility towards you (and you towards him). What now seem idyllic can become a nightmare. He has no idea what it means to date a woman who has a child. Thirdly, if you jump into living with him, you are more likely to repeat the same mistakes you made (yes you made some mistakes too) with your husband. Who's to say that the passion won't fly out of the window when you start sharing bills, taking care of the kid etc. ?Lastly, if you really want to give this new guy a chance, you won't do so by letting everybody know that he's the guy you left your husband for. Seriously. Even if you relationship had been platonic (something like Streep-DeNiro in Falling in LOve), nobody would have believed you. So, as you could see by some reactions of total strangers, many people may judge you both (not that you should care, but you obviously do).You should get out of a marriage you're not happy with because you're not happy and not because there's someone out there who could make you happy. Learn how to make yourself happy! Also, by leaving your husband you'll give him a chance too to find someone who'll be right for him and vice versa.So get a divorce but leave your lover out of the picture. He'll make his entrance in due time. I know. It takes more lying, but it's nit like you don't know how to do that. Except this time you could at least pretend that it really serves a higher purpose.If you do not become more honest with yourself, there's a high probability that you'll continue to do what you have done so far - cheat and lie. You have the right not to want something or someone and you have the right to say it out loud no matter what other people think. But, you need to take responsibility for your actions and live with the choices. When you have a lover you made no choice ad you can have it both ways. Which is great if your husband approves and you guys have an open marriage.My point is, people who cheat are more likely to repeat that pattern if they do not understand where their problem lies. Good luck and take care of your kid and yourself!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): I find it very unsettling when people come on here to ask total strangers whether or not they should divorce. This is a life changing decision you are considering and something that you really need to search your heart for to find what is the right solution. We only know your side of the story so of course we may not get the full picture.
With that being said, your marriage is over and I honestly don't see how it can be saved. You started cheating a year into the marriage and have been doing so ever since? Why are you even with your husband? Its obvious that you don't cherish or value marriage and what it stands for. So do your husband a favor and get out, be free. He deserves better than living a life with a woman who doesn't respect him.
Just a side note but things always look greener on the other side...your man on the side might sound perfect but I sincerely doubt if he is. Be careful what you wish for.
I feel sorry for you because you don't seem to know right from wrong and you are hurting someone that loved you enough to marry you. I agree with Anonymous123..good luck..Stop thinking of yourself and at least take your child into consideration. PLEASEyour child needs a good mom, not a lying cheating one.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 June 2016):
 Where do I even start? This is one of those posts that leaves me at a loss for words.
While its clear that you're in a romantically unfulfilled marriage, that is absolutely no excuse for cheating. The timeline of your actions imply that you started the affair just one year into the marriage and were having an affair even when you got pregnant and your child was born. Are you sure the baby has not been fathered by your lover?
Do you even realize the repercussions of your actions and what you've been doing? You're just pitying yourself but you're too selfish to see the bigger picture.
You started the affair one year into your marriage? Right? You didn't even give your husband or your marriage a chance! Secondly, you shouldn't have gotten pregnant and brought a child into this mess if you knew your marriage wasn't working and you were cheating. That is the most selfish thing for you to have done and the worst scenario for a child to be born in!
OP you're not going to get any sympathy here because you yourself are responsible for the state of your life. Cheating is never the answer. Your husband may be someone who cant please you sexually but what you did was much, much worse. Didn't you know your husband before you got married? I'm sure you dated and had sex before marriage with him? Even if you didn't and you realized that this was a deal-breaker and you didn't think you could go ahead with this marriage, you should have either tried couples therapy or tried communicating better with him about your needs. If nothing worked then you should have taken a call on what to do next. You speak so casually of your affair, like it was nothing great to worry about initially and I find this absolutely appalling.
Being married myself, I cannot imagine how someone can be so nonchalant, so blasé about the institution of marriage! Its a vow that you take, not in front of people but to yourself, that this is a person you will always be committed to, for the rest of your life, for better or for worse; and not something you throw away if they don't give you the orgasm of your choice.
You don't want to "fail" in front of society and your families but the truth is that you failed yourself the moment you broke your marriage by having an affair. Keep up the sham for as long as you like but you know what the truth is. You're just feeling sorry for yourself but no one's going to buy it.
The bottom line is, you want to have your cake and eat it too. You're too proud to admit to the world that YOU failed this marriage so you'd still rather be in it just for an outward appearance and you still want your co-worker and are unwilling to leave him. Imagine your husband's horror when he finds out. And the poor child who's involved in all this...God!
Well, you came here asking for advice so here it is. Your marriage is over because its now irretrievable. What you choose to do with your co-worker is your choice but at least try to be a good mother from now on and set a good example for your child. Please let your husband go, you don't deserve him. Come clean to your family, take some responsibility and start being a little less selfish.
Good luck, you're going to need it.
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