A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am currently in the most wonderful marriage... Married my best friend and we share a beautiful Family and a very blessed life... Every day I thank my stars that he's In my life and we are enjoying this journey we are on together... So what's the problem I hear you say? Like many marriages over the years our sex life has dwindled, we both have busy life's and careers but now it's practically non exsistant.... I'm too young to cope with this... I've spoken to him and he promises me things will change and he will make more of an effort but come 7 o clock he's asleep as always and I'm sat alone.... The trouble is we have a mixture of ages in our home... Teenagers that go to bed late and little ones that climb into our bed at 5am so I do understand there aren't loads of opportunitys... But I want a sex life... I want him... I don't want to cheat and I won't but this is causing me problems and anyone that says a cuddle is enough hasn't been in a sexless relationship... We've had crisis talks ... I've told him I can't carry on he needs to make the effort (like he does if his mates want him to play golf and the tiredness isn't there then) he cries and makes these sweeping gestures but nothing changes.... Do I put up and shut up given he's amazing in every other sense.... But deny myself what is a normal healthy sex drive forever!!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (6 June 2016):
 I have not had sex since October 2014. I miss it. My husband is just not interested. I am 56 and in fairly good shape and we are only married 4 years. I have men hit on me all the time so I know it's not me. I flash my hubby and tease him and he's still... snoring on the couch or playing a video game... you are not alone. My husband loves me but he does not feel attractive himself. We have determined he's the girl in our relationship and i'm the guy...
I find sadly in my life it is mostly women who are living unhappily in sexless marriages vs men complaining they are not having sex so it goes both ways. I am multiple married female friends in the same boat.
IF he has had a full medical work up and all is well and you have discussed it and you both agree to work on it then there is hope.
If he needs meds (not having a morning erection may be a sign of needing Vitamin V (viagra) then planning will have to come into play
Can you get the Teens to watch the young ones so you can get out to a motel for some private time?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): I am the original poster Thanks for your replies, I was testing the water to see if I'mMaking more of a big deal than it is, since we have such a happy loving relationship I should have just accepted it as it it is but I see from your replies I am right to be slightly worried. I spoke to him this morning and explained it's getting to the point I lie awake feeling hurt and rejected and that as I love him I don't want to feel like that... I also asked him the question of him getting morning wood he said he hasn't for a few years unless we are about to have sex.... We both agreed it might be time to see a GP.Our lifestyle can't and won't change we both have many people counting on us to pay there bills at work and run a "mums /dads" taxi service to the teens and the babies are at various clubs and after school activities... It's hectic but it's wonderful being able to make all these people happy but I realise it's not making him and I happy... So might start a once a week "date" night.... He has a picture of me on his phone wallpaper and he tells me any male who doesn't know me and has seen it has said "wow" who's that .... So I gauge from that I may still be attractive and certainly my husband tells me I'm a very sexy women and I still look after my body... If anything he's the one who's put on weight but I stil find him extremely sexy and he's also the best lover I've ever had. So I thank you again I will make a appointment for him and go from there.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 June 2016):
 Sorry to hear you are going through this. Sadly there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. There is always something to work on and something that could be better. So part of the issue is accepting that there are issues and from what I can tell, it is time.
There are a couple of solutions to this problem and I do believe that you are half way there in solving it, since you've been able to breach the subject with your husband, which is often one of the more difficult things to do.
1) Set up a date night. Hire a baby sitter and get out for a night. Grab a quick bite to eat and book a no-tell motel. You won't be spending the night but simply to get away for an hour. Having something set in stone will make it happen.
2) Consider altering your lifestyle. It sounds like both of you are busy with careers / work. Potentially look at ways where you can get easier / simpler jobs.
3) What about weekends? Surely you can find time to ditch the kids once in a while...
I also find it a little odd that your husband doesn't want sex as much as you do. Usually guys have the higher sex drive. Perhaps it is time for a check-up with his doctor to make sure everything is in working order. Sometimes lack of desire can be a physical thing that can be resolved via a doctor's visit.
You may also want to consider seeing a therapist -- a sex therapist -- to help uncover more reasons why there isn't much passion in the bedroom. Talking in front of a neutral party could yield benefits.
Finally be sure that you are putting the moves on him. Perhaps surprise him one night by dressing up or setting the mood. Also be sure that you are taking care of yourself physically. While we all age, we can certainly do our best to by being attractive by watching our weight and exercising.
Ultimately, there are no easy answers in your situation. Part of marriage is making sacrifices and sometimes you do have to take it on the chin. Many couples have differing sex levels and are willing to make that sacrifice in order to be with someone. They may find outlets via masturbation or via exercise or another past time. While I agree with you that sex is sex and it is hard to replace, only you can decide what you are willing to accept and what you plan on doing about it.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2016): Intimacy is essential in order to maintain a functional and cohesive marriage. Having been in a 28-year relationship, I'm quite aware of how it fluctuates; and even declines over time.
There are many factors that can interfere or interrupt a normal sex-life. Health and age are major factors. Often men hide their ailments and refuse to get regular physicals and checkups with their doctors. Many conceal the fact they are experiencing erectile dysfunction, or have a sudden drop in libido. It could be due to a side-effect from drugs, diabetes, or...I really hate to say this...too much indulgence in porn.
The greater percentage of men will avoid discussing the problem with their mates. Male or female. Over the age of 40, many men start experiencing moderate to serious erectile-dysfunction. They don't get as hard as they used to, or can't maintain an erection as long as they once could. So they avoid sex. Sex leads to intercourse. Intercourse requires penetration. Penetration requires a strong erection. So sex becomes less frequent, or non-existent. Women can be pretty mean about it. Not always intentionally, but they do think you're less of a man. Or they blame themselves. Which is just as bad.
You're his wife. You might suggest he get a complete medical-examination, or complete physical examination to make sure he's healthy.
Here's a little secret. If he doesn't wake up in the morning with a big erection, or you rarely see his erection over-night; that is a dead giveaway he may have lower testosterone levels or problems with his erection. He may also be extremely exhausted; but not every single night.
He goes to bed early to avoid sex. You're catching on to him. Men don't like talking about their sex-drive or how our penises are functioning. We might talk to a best male friend before sharing it with our sex-partners. Avoiding judgement and pity is a matter of ego.
You have to have a talk with him and not allow any further avoidance of the subject. If there is no communication, trust starts to fade. If he won't explain what's going on, it is left to speculation and suspicion. Is he cheating on the side? Is he a closet-gay? Maybe he's diabetic or taking drugs? Maybe he's using illicit drugs, like cocaine or prescribed painkillers. They can seriously deplete your sex-drive and energy-levels. Many people are secretly addicted to opiates these days, from prescribe medications.
He can't be a married-man, and not explain why he doesn't want sex with his spouse. He can't just shut-down on you and not care about your needs. That's not fair.
Unfortunately nature can be cruel. While a man's sex-drive may decrease as he ages; a woman's sex-drive will peak at your age. Causing quite a problem when you're off-balance, and your sex-drives are uneven.
This is where you gently offer an ultimatums. Make him a doctor's appointment. Insist on going with him. If he refuses, tell him your marriage is in jeopardy; and unless he makes some serious effort to work things out, he could lose you. That's happening little by little; even if it seems inconceivable at the present.
If he remains evasive regardless and flat-out refuses to see a doctor. Ask him bluntly if he's cheating, or if he is gay?
This will place him on the defensive; and he will go out of his way to dispel those suspicions. Explain to him his evasiveness leaves you in the dark. It forces you to feel suspicious, and most of all you feel lonely and neglected.
When you feel emotionally unfulfilled and sexually-frustrated for any length of time; your feelings will start to fade. You'll start to build resentment from the frustration. You're on the brink now; which is what made you write your post.
He has to be upfront with you. He has to address the matter and you have to let him know that your marriage depends on it. You'll support and love him no matter what. If there is something he's hiding, now is the time to seek some facts. You have to be assertive and tactful. Not accusatory, over-emotional, or mean. You're trying to gather facts, and when he is evading the issue; he has to be cornered.
He is in a marriage. He can't hide things and not explain them to you. You have to be assertive enough to seek the facts, and then be woman enough to handle the truth. You've been somewhat dodging the truth, because you have this delusion of a perfect marriage. There's no such thing. Something is off-balance, and he has to care enough to work with you to get through it.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (2 June 2016):
 could you go away for the weekend or just a night to have adult time?
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