A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm new to the site. I would like to see what others think of my situation. My husband does not come home to me from work. He goes to his parent's every single night for 2-3 hours after work. Yes that is Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. It's nearing 7:00PM and my husband has been at his parent's house since at least 4:00. I can't take it anymore. It doesn't end there. But think for a minute please. If your husband refused to stop doing this what would you do? When he gets home he will get in the shower and by the time he is out it will be nightfall.As I said, it doesn't end there. He won't bring home his work vehicle- he leaves it at his parent's. So every morning he goes there before work, drops off his car and takes the truck. He works all over. He probably goes out of his way a lot to make it back to his parent's after work each day. And that's where he is. Also he has not brought more than just some of his clothes. Sure, he doesn't wear a range of clothes but he does not have everything here. Also doesn't have his tv here. Didn't bring any of his furniture. All his things are just some changes of clothes and some tools. That's it. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of coming home to an empty house. I'm sick of knowing he is "home" every day after work and not here!He also does not invest any time or effort into our house. Instead of coming home from work and watering OUR flowers he goes to his parent's and waters theirs. I don't know what to do. We have fought so many times. He wouldn't join me in counseling so I went alone. Even talked to a priest. We fight and he will hardly talk to me or he will go stay at his parent's. The fights are ALL about what I've stated above. He doesn't care. He refuses to stop this nonsense. I am in my mid 20's. I have been with him over a decade and we are newlyweds. Been living together and married for almost 6 months. This nonsense isn't going to end any time soon. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. It's like: do I stick around and wait and hope he will move in fully and start coming home to ME, his wife? Or do I call it quits? I love him and I don't want the marriage to end but I'm sick of this pain in my wart day in and day out!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2012): Why in the hell did he even marry you in the first place if he has no interest in a) seeing you 2) spending time with you 3) being intimate with you.Those are reasons people get married. Was he happy to get married to you? It sounds like he is rejecting his role as a husband. He wants to be a little kid still, with his parents, with no responsibilities of a house and a wife.DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM. Please. That is the worst possible thing you could do right now...you would be left alone to raise a baby on your own.Either he fixes his act, or you leave him. This will keep ruining your life. Yes, you love him. But do you want to love him with pain your heart every day of your life or do you want to love someone who comes home to you everyday and loves you back?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2012): Hi. I think I remember you posting on this subject a month or so ago. So nothing has improved?
If he is under the thumb of a dominant mother, have you ever considered approaching her instead of him? Excuse me for saying this but he sounds kinda weak and the type that will gravitate toward the most dominant one of the `pack`. If you face down the dominant one, the weak one will switch allegiance to you.
Just a thought but you could try talking to his mother. Explain that he is spending too much time at her home, lying about it and refusing to make a proper home with you. Instead he is acting like a roomie who goes home every weekend. Let her know she is falling down as a mother by allowing him to behave this way and not encouraging him to move on properly into married life. Explain that she is partly responsible for what is making your marriage very difficult. Tell her that you are NOT leaving the marriage over this and you WILL insist he moves in with you properly and becomes a proper husband. Dont let her think she can shoo you away, make sure she realizes his behavior is not acceptable and you WILL get things changed even if it means no longer having any contact with her. She needs a wake up call. If she knows you wont be sidelined and you WILL be sticking around and eventually rearing HER grandchildren, she will give it some thought for a while and then I am sure, she will start to back down and usher him in your direction!
Try not to lose your cool when you talk to her, keep it brief, polite and as cool as you can make it. Just deal with the facts then leave, no tears or complaining! Dont let her be the boss of you too. Show HER, YOU are the boss of your household!
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (23 April 2012):
 Okayyyy
You dont want the marriage to end because you love him, and for now if you can accept the fact he is not going to come home, thats okay. You just need to switch your mind around a little to make this work for you.
You say weekends are fine, okay, work with that. Tell him to stay with his family Monday through to Thursday nights but Friday you expect him home to stay until he leaves for work again Monday morning. In the meantime build yourself a life that doesnt include him, join a bowling team, or a book club, do night school, take an art or wine appreciation class.
Its your home, you live there on your own, you can paint it wacky colours, you dont need to consult him, put a red sofa up against a purple wall etc etc, let your imagination create your space. He doesn't live there so doesnt need to be consulted.
And because I could, I would change the locks on the house so he cant get in without you opening the door, he doesnt want to live there, wants to be a visitor, well he can ring the door bell just like any other guest!
Make sure he leaves his dirty laundry at home for him mummy to wash and iron for him, and any other of those onerous tasks usually left for the wives of the world.
Good luck, I hope you sort it out!
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A
female
reader, Thisiscrazy +, writes (22 April 2012):
 My heart is just feeling your pain I am shocked at this whole situation and it breaks my heart that you've been dealing with this for so many heart wrenching years has amazed me . You have done everything possiible to have your husband in your home together as a family and still you keep trying I wish I could give you a hug ..
You are the one and only person who can decide what your future holds advice is here and plenty of it all great but it all comes down to you. I'm guessing you can't remember the last time you put your wants and needs first please do this one thing and look at the past years of pain you've been feeling take it all in and then go somewhere sit down and truly ask yourself do I deserve this? Do I want to continue to feel so alone? Do I want to grow old alone in a marriage that is the farthest thing I've ever heard of being anything like marriage.. Think of you don't loose yourself anymore this will never change if your the only one trying I really wish you get yourself out of there and start having a normal life without all this pain no matter how much you love him if he felt the same towards you he would of been there from the day ou married till now . Please be good to yourself and alow some happiness
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEven though I have been with him over a decade I never in a million years thought he'd be doing this. We didn't live together until we got married, both coming from living at our parent's houses. I accepted him being a mama's boy long ago and brush it off as being an annoyance, but this is certainly impacting our lives.For his vehicle, no reason to not have it here and we have gotten past his excuses. 4 car driveway and plenty of on street parking on a quiet street.Our house is over 2,100 square feet so there is plenty of room for his things.The clothes he has here are all on our bedroom floor in a ball, doesn't even have so much as a dresser.He hasn't had anyone here at all other than his immediate family and that was several months ago near the beginning of us having the house.His best friend whom knows we closed on the house, knows we are married as he was my husband's best man has not even been invited over. I ask my husband what his friend thinks considering he knows he is at his parent's every day and he just says "he knows we are having problems." Yeah, our problems are you not moving in!He knows my only complaint is about him not moving in and he has admit this that it is all I complain about.But on the spot will describe it as "I don't stop bothering him" "About what?" "Everything!" "What specifically??" This took a good 15 minutes of back and forths before he finally admit that I ONLY complain about him not moving in. I have also let it go and tried not complaining of it. Nothing helps.For him to obviously be able to admit that I only complain about him not moving in is weird. It's just so weird.At this point I am filled with a lot of different anger, mostly because I feel like I'm being viewed as the problem and "poor him, his wife bothers him sooo much he can't move in" since he is obviously getting away with doing this, saying nobody is telling him he should move in. Regardless of what HE chooses to do, to know that nobody that he knows understands to say "you know, you're both married, maybe you should move in!" really really irks me. I even asked him about his best friend, again yesterday, "Why won't you have him over?" "Because I haven't!" "But he's your best friend!"I don't want to divorce him, I love him, when it is the weekend, until he goes to his parent's (always either saturday or sunday) I enjoy my time with him... but there is still the reality that he lies to me constantly about being at his parent's, is not coming home for hours after he's out of work... it's just ridiculous. I don't want to live like this but I am so terrified to divorce him because I LOVE him, it's not due to the length of our relationship, it is not simply attachment, I love him. I worry I should not initiate divorce if I do not really want that. But I don't know what else to do. To the anonymous poster that put up with similar, that is how I feel, like it will be many years of putting up with this. I've put up with a lot of other things that I too feel like I wish I just got out then, even though other situations have gotten better. It seems so simple: move in, all your stuff, come home here after work and treat it like your home. That's all. It is so simple and it is why I have a hard time leaving, but he just won't do it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): You don't from what you have put on here,sound like a married couple. He lives with his Mum and pops to see you. Thats what comes across. You had 10 years knowledge of his ties to his family so I dont understand why you married him at all.For some reason he does not want to live with you as a couple. He hasnt even moved his possesions in. Why, if you have a home, a job,are so unhappy, do you not end the marriage now and find a man who acts in a normal way.You have no reason to stay wed and he doesnt care enough to try to fix it. Not from the information you have given here
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): I’m sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing as I went through, is better to say in some points I’m still going through. I think it is a habit that is hard to break. My husband was going to have the breakfast few times per week in his sister’s house which the parents are living there as well and their house is few blocks away from us. After work he was spending couple of hours watching TV there. It wasn’t every day but few times per week was enough to drive me crazy. It was bothering me not because he is going there and spending time with them I was thinking about his poor brother in law who didn’t have any privacy in this family! On top of that her mom and sister, mostly mom was visiting us sometimes 4 times per day! And to make it more interesting she has the key and sometimes she was right in without knocking the door! Honey I worked on them 7 freaking years to just teach them how to behave normally. They are not coming here anymore because my husband told them not to. And he is going there to visit once a week now. Even I am not sure if they learned because as I continued my education and got a good job they eventually backed off, maybe they see that I can leave their son easily and decided to do not ruin his life.But still other problems related to this family pops up here and there. Let me tell you something I did it but when I think about it now it really didn’t worth it. I wasted 7 years of my best to deal with them. It is too late now because I have a 3 years old daughter and it makes it hard to leave. I regret that why I didn’t leave at the beginning. I deserved it to have a better life I am from a well known family, I have a good personality I am very beautiful and educated and much younger than him. I said no to hundreds of suitor to put myself in this hell! My advice is set yourself free…before you feel sorry for wasting your life dealing with them! Good luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 April 2012):
 Wow, I would be kicking him out asap and telling him to home back home in his parents basement. Seems like he never really left their house.
Having a strong bond to your parents is good, but this? It's ridiculous! He needs to cut the umbilical-cord already!
One thing though, you have know him for 10 years, correct? So in those 10 years THAT was his habit? Or was moving out from his parents for the first time 6 months ago when you got married?
I think if you decide to "wait" for him to figure this out you will be old and grey.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 April 2012):
 I think your situation further validates my theory that women marry men in hopes of changing them and men marry women in hopes that they never change. Sadly, you knew going in that he was a "momma's boy".
Marriage is tough as it is, but when you have an uphill fight against his parents, it only makes it worse. I feel sorry for your husband because he is probably trying to balance his loyalty to his family versus you. Ultimately, when a man takes a wife, his wife and family comes first. That doesn't mean he neglects his parents -- it means when all things are considered, his first priority needs to be maintaining his marriage.
His lying and his avoidance of being with you raise interesting questions and suspicions. Does he still love you? Or do you feel he has one foot out the door in terms of your marriage as well?
I would encourage you to do the following things:
1) Develop a life of your own outside of your husbands to fill the void / loneliness.
2) Make your home enticing. If he walks into the door after work and you have a list of chores for him to do I'd be hard pressed not to hang out at my parents' house too. If every time he walks through the door you guys fight, it'll lead to him pulling stunts like this. Treat him like you would want to be treated and create a loving environment.
3) Continue to see your therapist -- even on your own. They might be able to give you the tools to deal with your husband. In addition, they may help you identify the true reason for your husband's absence.
Again, I think there is a LOT more than what you are telling us that is going on in your marriage (I'd love it if your husband posted his views here). Hopefully you can come together again and be a truly loving couple.
Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 April 2012):
It seems our answers crossed!
What is there in the marriage that keeps you there? It does sound like he doesnt care much and there is not much support in his family for his marriage to work.
A decade of this is probably enough. I know I would be feeling very unloved and lonely if I were in your situation.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (21 April 2012):
The situation, as you have posted it, is bizzare, it raises so many questions.
Have you asked your husband why he choses to do these things. If he has a work vehicle and a normal vehicle, do you also have a car? If yes, could he be parking one of his vehicles at his family's home due to a lack of parking where you live? Is there space for a third car? Does another member of the family use the car when he has the work vehicle?
Do you ever visit his family? Is there a reason why you both cant meet at the family's home a few afternoons a week and then travel home together. Does his family know he is even married? Does his mother wash his work clothes, I know a girl whose mother in law would redo the laundry if she thought the wife wouldn't find out about it, the mother in law felt the clothes weren't being washed as thoroughly as she thought they should?
Does where you live lack space for his clothes? Has he moved into a house you already had established? Did he live with his parents before the marriage, you mention he has furniture that he didnt bring.
If you can make a few of these points clearer you should get some more definitive answers to help you sort your life out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for a weird typo. My iPhone made an auto correct "Pain in my wart" should say "pain in my HEART!" just want to clear that up, it just sounds so weird!My husband has always been a mama's boy and does whatever his mother and sister tell him to do. Im sick of his lies of going there and saying he is really at work. He knows we only argue about him not moving in. His mom tells him to leave me then! His parents are healthy and fine he has no need to spend hours there. We are married. He should be coming home to me when he gets out of work and moving the rest of his things in. This will go on for years I will bet. I have no idea what will change this cycle.He has given me every excuse in the book for why he is doing what he is doing. He lies about it all. Even lied saying he no longer had a work vehicle. When I found out he was lying that was the first time he left. he goes out of his way sometimes to go "home". Still calls his parent's house "home". Ill call him and ask where are you? "I'm home!" It's been like this from day one of our marriage. We started living together once we were married. Over a decade together. I just don't know why I need to even have this battle. Why can't he just man up and move in? Well he certainly isn't being given a kick in the ass to do so at "home". That's for sure.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 April 2012):
After reading your post, I think there is a LOT more going on here than what you have written.
What I am not getting from your post is why he chooses to do what he does. Is he waiting for traffic to calm down before he makes the rest of the trip home? Are his parents needy? Are his parents invalids? Is he a "momma's boy"? Is he avoiding you?
All of these things would or could explain his behavior.
The question I have is, what is truly going on here? Is he avoiding you because he may be feeling smothered or needs some decompression time from work. Have you considered granting him this brief recluse and allowing yourself to generate some hobbies and interests of your own? Married couples aren't and shouldn't be glued to one another.
However, I will say that he really needs to meet you half way on this. I understand your sense of loneliness and his actions don't speak very becomingly, especially if you decide to start a family. My bet is he is trying to juggle his marital responsibilities with his family ones and not being successful with either one.
Personally, I think there are some very complicated communication issues going on here that warrant thought and work. I don't believe he has communicated to you what his needs are and what he is doing and if he has, I don't think you've heard his reasons because I truly believe you are angry, lonely and hurt. Mind you, I am not saying who is right or wrong here, but part of growing intimacy between a married couple is listening to one another and finding ways to please one another -- and finding a middle ground that will make everyone happy. I am not sure that is happening from either person (at least going from the sparse details of your post).
I hope you continue to see your therapist on your own and LISTEN to his advice. Don't worry about who is right or wrong, but work TOGETHER and find ways to allow each person to be their own individual while still having the basis of a loving relationship. Again, I think you are experiencing some of the symptoms of a troubled relationship -- the question is what is the source and why now? Only you can answer that and I hope you take some time to reflect upon it and what you can do to make your husband WANT to come home. You may find it useful to read Dr Laura Schlessinger's "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" (www.drlaura.com).
Good luck and please do not lose hope.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (21 April 2012):
Are you 100 percent sure he is at his parents every night??
He is definitely avoiding intimacy with you.
Ask him.
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