A
female
age
41-50,
*inaBoBina
writes:I'm having a major hang up around my boyfriend's close friend who is a girl. My bf has many girls as friends and I don't have any issues with any one of them except this one. I think it's important to understand their past to answer this question.They've known each other since highschool and supposedly they only "fooled" around once. She comes from a broken home (father is an alcoholic and mother passed away from breast cancer). She supposedly has no one else in her life. My bf and his family used to open their door to her when she needed a place to stay. So, not only is she close with my bf but she's also close with his family, too. Supposedly, she has no one else and my bf is her best friend. He doesn't consider her his best friend but he also doesn't communicate with any of his other friends as often as he does with her. Therefore, I think he's trying to soften the blow. She doesn't have any girl friends either. Which I've been told is not a good sign in a girl. And issues with her friends' girlfriends are something that she's grown used to dealing with. She tried explaining this to me when we met.My bf and this girl call and text each other all of the time. Never in front of me. Which makes it even more suspicoius. They text each other more than we text each other! She even sends him pictures of herself... new hair cuts, new outfits, etc. I see messages from the both of them wishing that they were there. I feel like their emotions are intertwined and they will never be able to fully let each other go. He tells me that it would be sexy if I drove a truck, if i picked fights and all these other things that sound like he's comparing me to his friend. He says that he would never date her because she slept with everyone he knew from highschool and that she is emotionally imbalanced. He said that she won't date him because they're personalities clash. He even tried to tell me that he doesn't find her attractive. Why would he sleep with her then?He's very sweet to me (although now I feel that it's out of guilt). He tells me that I'm the most important and blah blah blah but why the hell does he hold her so close? I have deep relationships with other men, too, but we don't send each other pictures of ourselves or give live updates on what's going on in our lives. We respect each other and realize our places.Every day... texts. I can't sleep. I actually have nightmares about them. I lost my apetite. I cry when I'm alone. I can't stand this. I don't know if I'm being irrational or if there's something to really be concerned over here. Please help!
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female
reader, Thisiscrazy  +, writes (22 April 2012):
 All I can say is this whole situation is causing you so much uncertainty and your health is being affected now it's not ever going to change they way your feeling no matter how many times they say no way why would it about each other.. That fact of the matter is the only way you will feel relaxed is if she moves away that's not going to happen so it's a question for yourself if you can handle feeling this way for how ever long it might be or do you want a relationship that doesn't make you feel like you do now do you want happiness? Or. Doubts?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2012): I have been in the same situation with a past boyfriend who I was with for 3 years, and in the end I finally broke up with him because the whole situation was making me miserable.
I regret not ending it sooner, because it will never go away, you will always have problems with this girl which will just make you unhappy. You dont have to put up with this, you obviously feel insecure because you feel second best to him and his family. You deserve better than them.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 April 2012):
 The fact that they have had sex in the past is an automatic disqualification of friendship if he's with another woman. There are rare cases where a platonic friendship between genders is actually okay while in a relationship. My husband's co-worker and best friend at work is a girl who is a lesbian, and I love her and her partner to death and couldn't care less if he has lunch with her or goes out with their group at happy hours. I know that there is zero interest, and that there has never been any faintly remote past interest.
However, if he were to make contact with a past high school crush, or an ex-girlfriend, or someone who has had feelings for him in the past, or a casual hook-up, there would be no way.
It almost sounds like a co-dependent situation here. The whole broken home, she used to live with them, she has no friends, considers him her best friend and the attention she demands of him is irrelevant. He isn't responsible for her, and he isn't her crutch. It's an UNHEALTHY relationship, and since they've slept together in the past, you have every right to demand that the contact be stopped.
Seriously. This isn't your insecurity. This is about your relationship's integrity. Don't let him play you for a fool. Stand up for yourself, or leave him and find someone else without this untenable baggage.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): My husband has a friend like this who he has known for ever. She has gone from one relationship to the next and is quite unstable although she manages to hold down a job. She is a good looking pretty girl and would have no trouble maintaining a relationship with anyone in my opinion. This woman texts, emails and calls my husband all the time. When I am in the car with him she will ring and I don't participate in the conversation and not let on that I am a passenger just to see what they talk about and the conversation is very full on. She will call him Babe etc and I can see that my husband would ideally not talk in front of me but clearly can't say that so just goes quiet. This woman will text for all sorts of nonsense and it drives me insane. My husband says he is just lonely and needs a lot of help but I fail to see why it is down to him to give it to her. He says it is because she is an old friend. I am sorry to say that I don't trust them at all, having had a bit of a fling many years ago and I am sure she still secretly likes him.Anyway, I can fully understand where you are coming from and would not like it one bit. The amount of texting is excessive and I think you should say that you are uncomfortable about it, not that you feel threatened or insecure about it but that it is a bit too much now that he is in a relationship with you. Ask him if he would like it if it was role reversal. From experience it is highly unlikely that it will stop and if you make a fuss he will just continue to keep in touch but behind your back so be careful what you say and how you phrase it so he doesn't become deceitful. It is rare close friends like this especially if there is a family connection will ever go away so it may be a case of just putting up with it if you want to stay with him or making your relationship very strong so she cannot get a chance to come between you. taking the upper hand and ignoring her is the best idea but very difficult in practice. Also never say anything bad about her infront of your boyfriend just say nothing or remain noncommital as men don't like you saying bad things about other women. Once this woman finds herself her own man hopefully her contact will lessen.
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A
female
reader, Xx-Scorpio-xX  +, writes (21 April 2012):
 If I was in your posistion i would be extremely insecure too, but then again I get jealous quite easily. I'd say to tell him exactly how you feel about her and how uncomftable it makes you. Maybe you could try and become friends with this girl too, then you would be able to get closer to her and see her intentions, though I really don't think he will do anything with this girl.
Good Luck ^_^
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A
female
reader, LovelyLemon +, writes (21 April 2012):
 I understand what you're going through. It is very tough to see the person who is supposed to be committed to you caring so much for another woman. You probably won't be able to ask him to leave her in the past without damaging your relationship. She may always be apart of his life.What I suggest is that you talk to him, tell him how this makes you feel, and ask that you reassess boundaries as a couple. Tell him that their closeness makes you feel less important and that you would like for her to know where her place is as just his friend, nothing more. I wouldn't trust that he doesn't have feelings for her. It's very possible that he does, but that doesn't mean that he wants her or loves her more than he loves you. My partner has a friend in a very similar situation and it has been the biggest hurdle of our relationship. But we are doing well now! There is hope, just explain your perspective and I'm sure he'll understand.Much love and Best wishes
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2012): Honestly I wouldn't deal with this. It is not something I'd be happy about either. It all comes down to how you feel. And you feel lousy about it. I bet a lot of girls would. I think it would bother me forever. I don't think it's just insecurities its also a fact, this is how it is and understandably it makes you feel lousy! I know it might sound harsh to leave but imagine your life with a guy that doesn't have this type of girl in his life.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (21 April 2012):
 No, you're not being irrational. Your emotional reaction to their relationship is spot on. There is nothing normal or appropriate about their relationship.
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