A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all,I am really torn about this and need some objective advice (besides I am too ashamed to ask any of my friends).I will start with a quick summary about myself: I am 30 years old and had only had one relationship in my whole life. It lasted 3 years but ended quite badly. The problem is that it has been 3 years since that happened and have been going through a horrible dry spell for various reasons (I am not into one-night stands, btw). I tried dating various girls but we never connected in the end. I am now closing in my 4th year of the dry spell and I feel like going crazy. I feel like I missing out and not enjoying the best years of my life :( :( :(I went once to salsa class out of curiosity last month and met an interesting woman. Turned out to be a colleague, but she works in another building, so we never run into each other. I didn't ask her age (of course, duh), but I estimate that she is between 37-40 from the discussions we had (she has a quite impressive professional background). We saw each other twice on dates, but I then decided to end things by not calling her back. The first problem was her age: even 7 years is a bit too much for me. I was mainly looking for someone closer to my own age (it's easier to connect when you are at the same stage of life)(I was also thinking about the difficulties that would come if the relationship became more serious and we wanted to start a family). The second reason was that I had my sights on some other girl. I could tell the older woman was into me and that is why I didn't go any further with her as I didn't want to hurt her feelings.The summer break kicked in and it was the perfect occasion to stop any sort of contact. Unfortunately, things didn't work out with the other girl and now I am extremely busy with work to have time to look for other potential dates. I started thinking about this older woman again and I am really tempted to text her. However, I am a bit worried of the consequences of such action. Even if we somehow hook up together, what kind of relationship would we have? We could have fun, yes. We want to visit exactly the same countries for example. However, I would never consider her for marriage on the other hand. I am quite positive that she was interested in me but I cannot say what she expected: something serious or just fun? In any event, it is a bit delicate as I do not want to behave like a jerk. I really do not want to use her feelings and pretend that I love her just to get what I want (not counting the fact that such behavior could also potentially damage my reputation at the workplace). Is it even possible to get something like a NSA relationship? Does it make me a jerk just thinking about it?Don't get me wrong, I actually find her fun and attractive at the same time. It's just that I don't feel like having something too serious with her. I really crave some female companionship and she is the only person available around. I know it is bad thinking about her as a last resort solution, and that is why I am torn.I can either forget all my ethical standards and go for it, or I simply spend another winter alone and keep counting the years of my youth that pass by. This situation is really confusing and frustrating :(Could anyone please give me some advice?Thanks
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male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 If you want to find someone to one day settle down with, then don't contact her and find someone who does fit the bill.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2013):
 No you shouldn't date her at all. She is NOT what you are looking for and it would be a "a will settle for this one til I can find better" (younger whatever).
Don't do that to another person.
Also if you two intermingle work wise, keep it professional.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Give it a try if you wish, but I am not sure it will go down that well. Basically, if you don't want to mislead her intentionally, you'd be telling her , more or less : You are good enough to fuck, but too old to date properly.
Not very flattering, considering that the age difference is only 7 years. If it was 20 years or so, yeah well, I guess she'd be the first to not see herself as an appropriate partner for anything else than a little walk on the wild side - but 7 years , uhm, I don't know if she'd see it your way. Personally, I'd be miffed, I'd think : You want younger chicks ? then go GET yourself a younger chick, and leave me the hell alone. People do not like to be so blatantly pegged as a plan B. Maybe she is not / was not having in mind anything serious and wasn't hung up on any particular result or development with you, but , if she bothered coming on dates with you , I guess she saw herself more into the category " let's give it a try and see where it goes ,you may never know " rather than under " he could not get laid anywhere else so
I am better than nothing for now ".
Of course, as CMMP says, I can't exclude she too only wanted to have some fun all along. But I doubt it. If one JUST wants to do the cougar thing, - one operates quite differently . One does not waste time doing the "getting to know you " thing, and does not sit home demurely waiting for a call back and a third date.
Conclusion : try if you have to,- after all ,nothing ventured nithing gained -, but don't be surprised if your approaches aren't well received at all.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 September 2013):
Jannipeg is right. Don't mislead her, but don't feel bad asking her out and seeing if she's interested in "fun". She may have only wanted that all along.
You need to start being more aggressive or you'll find yourself lonely for the rest of your life. Don't fear rejection, fear loneliness!
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A
male
reader, Alwayswondering  +, writes (17 September 2013):
It sounds like you want more than just a play toy, as you said you were never for one night stands. Also, it sounds like you are tired of this dry spell and want to give into something you are not. If you truly want to have this NSA, then ask her. If it goes sour, then not much you can do about it. She seems to be out of your life right now regardless. If you don't want this, then get out there and meet new people. Everyone can make time, and even if it's only an hour a week, it's better than 0.
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A
male
reader, GentleGiant +, writes (17 September 2013):
What is wrong with dating a older woman? Is it taboos in your social circles or are you going to take a ribbing from your family and friends. I guess by your description you want more of a horizontal mamba relationship. There is nothing wrong with that providing this woman wants to partake in such. I am willing to bet though she wont stay tucked away in a bedroom waiting for you a couple nights of week just for sex. Maybe she would. But it sounds you also want more than than sex. I can only speak for my family. My mom and dad got married young and they just both turned fifty years old. My mom has looked after her body and mind over the years with my dad. My mom could easily pass for a thirty five year old woman. I know my buddy who is 25 and dating a forty year old woman. They go well together and nobody pays much attention to her age. She is toned,fit and good looking and could pass for probably thirty year old women. He is happy and no he is no boy toy or a boyfriend of a demi Moore kind of woman. He was tired of women his age who only wanted to get pissed and screw there brains out. This girlfriend is committed,loyal and loving and always talking up how good a man he is. She dont screw around and she even makes him lunch everyday for work. My friend dont be quick to pass on a older woman. She may be the medicine that you need now and in the future. I have been a personal friend of the guy mentioned above for the past twelve years and I have never seen him so happy and in love and that goes the same for his girlfriend. She gets along well with his family and is well liked by everybody. Even my girlfriend has to admit and she is 24 that the girlfriend is genuine and sincere and even admires her. Just maybe my friend you are passing on a diamond in the ruff and that maybe the biggest mistake of your life which you might live to regret. Think carefully before getting ready to throw the towel in on a possibly beautiful and unique relationship. Good-luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): That was a very sad post, OP, and not because of you having no love in your life, but because on how pragmatic you are when it comes to women. Despite the fact that you like this older woman, you pragmatically calculated that she won't be the one to start a family with or go farther in your relationship. Frankly, it's just silly. So, you wanted to be a good and decent guy and break it up not to hurt her feelings. I don't believe it, honestly. I think what happened is that you met this more eligible younger girl and wanted to try it with her. Then when that didn't happen, you want to go back to this older woman, and onbiously what you want is just sex. Woman are smart, OP. We know very well what your intentions are on how you behave. If this older woman is around 40, she knows exactly what you are doing, contacting her after all this time. You could be very surprised to find out that she has no intention of dating you,mbecause you are not her match at all, and all she wants is to use you also for your younger body. The best policy is to keep it very clear. Couple years ago I had the same scenario as you, I am the older woman, and he is a much younger guy. He was clear with me from the very first moment. He said he just wants a fling, and it was up to me to decide. We had it going for 3 months, and then I ended it because of his resistance to use condoms.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 September 2013):
 If she is as wise as her age, she knows that you are not that into her. She knows that you prefer younger women. You will be a jerk to pretend to love her just until you find a better suitor. You are not a jerk if you straight out ask her if she is interested in NSA fun.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (17 September 2013):
 Seven years is not a lot of age. If you like her then go for it, if not don't play with her or yourself. Age would not be a issue for me, more so her attitude and personality is what's the most important part that makes a relationship dynamic. Also if you work together it may cause confusion and other people may get mad or nosy so to speak.
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