A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone, thank you in advance for anyone taking the time to read my problem and giving me advice.I went on internet dating, I asked for men 40-50 but the sites sent email from me to everyone.A guy of 56 contacted me. I talked to him, he seemed to be interesting. So I thought ok,perhaps age is only a number.He told me that he has dated a girl from my ethnic background. He told me that she was very wealthy, very very beautiful, extremely elegant, perfect in every way, only jealous and she checked his mobile while he was sleep.I am not sure that I want to meet him after his comment, I am not sure why he said the things he did say? Am I paranoia? Am I being insecure? I have displayed a picture of myself.I am worried that when we meet he may start comparing us and tell me that I am not good enough for him. (although he is older than age group I would go for). But I do not want the humiliation of him putting me down and tell me that I am not as good as her. first of all I am not rich, I gave up my job to raise my son on my own, as my marriage broke up. I am a great believer of raising my child myself and he is very well-behaved and gentle young man who will be going to university in September even though he has had a major accident and he is disabled for life, accident during rugby January 2011.I am told my son is a credit to me and I have done a great job as a parent. I would liked to work but it was impossible also I ran out of money and did not go to university.I feel insecure as I had to leave a normal 9-5 job and take on a full time homemaker job. I am a proud mum but wish I could have kept my career.I find it difficult to meet men as they seem to want women who work (sometimes with high paid job women, or am I talking to the wrong men). People do not seem to understand that I cannot work even if I wanted now, as my son is disabled and I am his carer, it is recession and most of my friends have been made redundant due to recession. I do not have confident to go for a job. my son and his girl friend and her friends would like to take a part time job and there is nothing for them. what chance do I have?Do you think I am wrong to say no to this guy. I am very attractive, but I felt inferior to his previous gf.Please do not send me emails telling me that if I was good looking I would have met someone by now, I do not go out, I myself have a serious medical condition.
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broke up, disabled, his ex, insecure, jealous, money, university Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 July 2012):
 'I do not have confident to go for a job' That is the most truthful statement you've made in your post and it's something many of us can actually relate to. Re-entering the work force and learning to make it on your own can seem overwhelming and scary.
If you're serious about wanting to turn your life around then a good place to start would be volunteer work. You can select any field you like, choose your own hours. You don't have to do it every day, maybe one or two days a week. It would give you free training and useful job skills. It looks great on a resume, it's something new to talk about and makes you a more interesting person. And because your employers aren't paying you they don't have the same power over you and there isn't the same pressure of expectation. In fact they'd be more appreciative of your time. And you'd be helping others (people or animals). It would empower you.
You can try your local church, the Humane Society, retirement home, Meals on Wheels. There are plenty to choose from.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 July 2012):
 IF your son is going to university in September why aren't you job hunting now?
I'm a mom of a disabled child.. he can't go to UNI... or even work.. he lives in a group home and works in a sheltered workshop... but as a child he was in school and i had to work, his dad had to work... we did what we had to do
and I was a single mom with two sons...
I think the problem is your perceptions of yourself and the world and I think that you should seek some counseling to help you work through the issues you have
you are probably angry and turn it into defensive behavior...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): I agree with the previous poster: we would all like to be available full time to take care of our kids. Unfortunately realistically this is not possible for most of us. OP I don't know what to tell you that may make any difference but have you tried speaking to a counsellor. Someone to help you with life skills? Regarding this online guy if you are sceptical then don't meet with him yet until you sort out your life. Something is amiss and I think you need to take proper stock of your life. I realise that NOW you have to take care of your son because of his accident but years ago? Just giving up a paying job to sit at home and be a full time mom? When he was at school could you not do a part time job for approx 5 to 6 hours before he arrived back home. I'm not disputing that you are a good mum but you made a few very "strange" life choices.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 July 2012):
'I gave up my job to raise my son on my own, as my marriage broke up. I am a great believer of raising my child myself...'
In other words you gave up a paying job to collect welfare. Most of us are great believers in raising AND providing for our children ourselves. And many are supporting ill or disabled kids, so I'm not buying the Mother Theresa routine.
If your son is capable of working at a part time job (if he's looking for one he must think himself ready and able) and of attending university then he certainly doesn't need his mother at home every single day to take care of him.
I think you're doing the same thing with your son as you are with this man; using theirs flaws (real or imagined) to avoid facing your own fears. You're prepared to throw in the towel before even entering the ring.
Remember that while you're evaluating potential suitors, they are also evaluating you. Men want a woman who has the means to support herself, not because they are shallow and materialistic but because they don't want to be used as a meal ticket by a single mother on the dole. They want a contributing partner, a cheerful and optimistic companion, not an emotional invalid in need of constant care.
The problem isn't your son or this man. It's your fear, but you've got to face it. You have to take some calculated risks if you want to be happy. The more you do it, the easier it gets and before long you'll look back and be amazed at the change in yourself. And I think your son would appreciate it too. I suspect he feels smothered and perhaps a little guilty believing he is the cause of your misfortunes, no matter how nicely you put it.
People reinvent themselves all the time. You can too. If this is the worst your man friend has done then why not give him a chance? Go for coffee, or lunch. If he turns out to be a dud, then you can walk away and try the next one.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 July 2012):
 I think you are over reacting a little in assuming all kinds of things that you think this man will say/do and think...you haven't even met him. If you feel that threatened then just don't go and meet him...nobody is forcing you if it doesn't seem right.
Internet dating is an effective way to meet people but you have to be very tough to get through it. It's hard to get past the initial 'cattle market' idea and meet genuine people but they are out there if you are looking for a serious relationship.
Nothing you have said about yourself is bad but you seem to almost be apologising for it when in all reality, your a good single mum who has dedicated her time to her child...and now he's grown up and it's time for mum to have some fun.
Approach internet dating as a way to meet people for chats, maybe a dinner date ot the movies...don't look for a relationship there, and you may hit it off with someone and things might develop.
Don't have too high expectations and don't compare yourself to people you don't even know and never will.
Good luck xx
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