A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I want your opinion about a family problem. I am the 3rd sibling of 5. As a child I was abused by my mother and later, by an older sibling. I was always the black sheep as we were growing up. I suffered a nervous breakdown and spent a number of years self-harming. I am over that now and haven't self harmed for a number of years. My relationship with my siblings has always been difficult as a result. Last night I was supposed to go out with them all. When they arrived they had no concrete plans on what to do and I wasn't feeling well so I kicked off. I did not swear or insult anyone, I just wanted to know what we were going to do. BTW I am not allowed to suggest what we do as I have been told I have to do "what the majority want to do" From the moment I kicked off, they all ignored me. Not one of them asked me what was wrong it was like I didn't exist. So I made my excuses and left. Since then not one of them has called or text to ask if I am ok. I know for a fact that if any of them kicked off, I would ask what was wrong and try to help. I'm thinking of breaking off all contact with them and perhaps moving away from the area. The reasoning behind this is that it's obvious they have no compassion towards me at all and if I am not around they won't have to pretend either. I have tried talking to them all about it but they just deny there is a problem. What do you think?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 February 2010):
My mother was emotionally abused by her parents. In the end she cut off contact. She still says it was the best thing she ever did. If you want to cut contact, then do it. But you must remember that once you have done it, there is no going back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses so far. I don't kick off regularly at all. I'm not allowed to. I have to bite my tongue on a regular basis so as not to upset anyone else. Believe me I have diluted so much of myself just to fit in! Yesterday there were no firm plans and that coupled with me feeling unwell kind of bugged me so I kicked off for the first time in months and got ignored by everyone for daring to do so. I've been told so many times that I'm difficult to get on with etc. That's why I'm considering movimg away. Selling my house, leaving my job and friends is too high a price to pay for a 'dramatic effect' but I think it might be an option for future peace of mind.
Thanks for your insights!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): It sounds like your previous self-harming has made them 'wary' of your feelings to the point where rather than ask you about them they try and avoid the whole subject at all costs. All this does is push you further away from them to the point where now you are considering cutting all ties. I have a similar family to yours in some respects. When my life is going well everyone is ok with me. When something in my life goes wrong its as if I have done it on purpose and upset their balanced state and they just can't cope with it. For example when I split from my husband my mother could not 'cope' with it and rather than offer me support she decided she would not speak to me for 2 months - this was soul destroying as you can imagine. If I read your underlying feeling here it might be one of rejection? As if you are not accepted, tolerated even by the very people that care and this makes you vulnerable to kicking off? To this end there is some positives in the idea of establishing a new life and giving yourself some real space and distance from family. It could create a sense of freedom in you to re-build your confidence, esteem etc to put the past behind you. At some point in the future you might feel you are ready, strong enough to establish a relationship with them again - on a more even footing whereby you feel equal. Either way I think you are relying on your family to provide the emotional support you need and this is probably not the best approach. It needs to come from within and also from people who will not judge you. Find ways (work, volunteering, friends, sport) to be yourself so that you can strengthen your own worth - this way the impact of any negative situations with family will be seen as just one small part of life rather than dominating your thoughts. I wish you lots of luck and hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (14 February 2010):
Well it depends if you "kick off" over little things on a regular basis.
Just because they didn't make plans in advance to your liking isn't a reason to throw a fit.
If you can't forgive the abuse then move, but don't let a little thing like this be a reason to storm off into the sunset for dramatic effect.
Good Luck!! xx
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