A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, just wondering if anybody had any advice for me. I split with my ex last year and now she's starting playing silly games. She arranged to take the kids out on Sunday (I look after them) and I'd made 100% sure with her that it was fine for her to see them because I'd arranged to go out myself. And she'd told me several times it was definitely fine but then she rung up on Sunday morning saying she couldn't make it. So the kids were disappointed and I had to cancel on my girlfriend. Today my daughter told me my ex had been asking if I'd gone out with my girlfriend on Sunday or not. I don't know how she knew I was meant to be going. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I have a feeling her cancelling was something to do with her knowing I had plans with my new girlfriend. I know she was never faithful when we were together but she's started playing with my head and dropping hints that our kids might not be mine. I know I shouldn't let it get to me but it's driving me mad. I love the kids so I wouldn't care if they weren't mine but it's just the way she is about it. I'm seriously thinking about just cutting her out of our lives. She's no good for the kids, she just messes them around and disappoints them. But I don't know if that would backfire on me with the kids. What does everyone think? Is my ex likely to ever grow up?
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female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Unless your ex cannot be trusted with the children whilst they are in her care, I do not think you should consider cutting her out of their lives altogether as they may resent you for that in the future.
However, I think you need to sit your ex down and make a schedule for contact, times that are suitable for you both and the children. Be firm and say that you think it's very important that she keeps to the schedule so as not to disappoint the children, as they will be looking forward to seeing her. Last minute cancellation will not work, unless it's due to illness of course and you have to let her know that you will not tolerate the kids being let down and disappointed. If the schedule is not followed, and she constantly messes the children around I would let the courts decide what contact she has and stop contact until they decide. It will be in her hands and she will only have herself to blame if she loses contact, she will need to be mature about it and prioritize her time.
I know this is also disruptive with regard to your own personal life, but at least if you give her a chance to prove she can be a responsible parent and she blows it at least she can't blame you if you tried.
Good Luck.
A
male
reader, Sandman  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 Cutting the ex out of the kids lives while they're young could pose potentially hazardous later on when the kids grow up. The mom could start saying things like "I wanted to see you but your father wouldn't let me.." - and then you become the bad guy.
If the kids are old enough to know what's going on, ask them their opinion on the subject. But most importantly, let the kids create their own reality of who their mother is and not what you say it is. The kids will determine for themselves if they want her in their life or not. I see lots of young people who don't talk to a certain parent because of the perception they have of their parent - not what the other parent has made for them - and that seems to be healthier for the child in the end.
Good luck. Sucks that she's like that. I think what you should do is obtain a schedule (through the courts) to have the kids visit with her maybe ever other weekend. That way, it's written when she will have the kids, and any events she wants to incorporate the kids into will have to fall on her weekend.
Or, just ignore her phone calls until she starts acting like an adult.
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (5 June 2008):
 how old are ur kids? if there old enough to communicate their thoughts fairly maturely on the matter i would talk to them and ask how they feel about the issue. if they are too young, well, i would not cut her out of their lives. unless she was doing drugs, or abusive to them or an alcoholic etc, i would act on their behalf. but, she remains their mother. i would get a court mandated visitation schedule which would allow her to see them on certain weekends etc. if she fails to follow thru with the visit? oh well. her loss. the children will most certainly want to seee their mom. its a sensitive issue for sure keeping in mind their best interests. but u dont want themn to grow up and hate u for not allowing them to see their mom, and, maybe theres a chance shes not playing games. eitherway take the time to find out ur rights with a lawyer, get court mandated visits for the ex try to keep her connected. at least u can say to ur kids one day, u tried. and in all fairness thats all that matters. if she fails, it wont reflect on u because u tried. good luck
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