A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I started talking again. Feelings resurfaced, he expressed them first. However he started freaking out when he thought I was going to move to his city for him alone. Unlike when we were originally dating, we live in different cities now. Since we started talking, I started looking into moving back. Not just for him, but for myself. He was all for it, but when it actually started happening, he said if I moved he would feel pressured to make it work. He thought I was only moving for him and he felt we would move too fast. So we got into an argument. Our status came up. He used to be fine with me referring to him as my BF, now he doesn't want that and said we were never back together...although he referred to me as his girl and said he loved me. So I was confused, hence the argument. Currently we aren't communicating at all since the fight. But that has helped me see that, even if he's not in the picture I think I would move back to his city anyways. I lived there for four years and it would provide a job unlike the current small city I am in. Moving drama aside, I really do miss him. I wonder if he really did care and feel about me like he said he did. But he said he felt smothered and pressured in the end. So I feel maybe space is due. But will that really help? Or should I explain that the move was not about him at all, that even though we aren't talking, I am still moving anyways for my own good?His birthday is this weekend, so I thought about texting or calling but not sure. Especially since he already felt pressured and smothered. Should I continue to leave him alone or reach out?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 I'd say leave hom alone, and if you can, leave him alone for good.
Actions speak louder than words, so no, he did not care and feel about you exactly as he said he did. Talk is cheap, and from a safety distance even cheaper. After the break up, he was obviously fine with a loose, no pressure , no committment romance , but as soon there's the chance you actually get geographically closer, he freaks out and " feel smothered ". What an egomaniac , btw. As if the town is his ! As if you don't have a life beside him, and could not like that town and want to live there for any other reason than him ! ( work, friends ,housing etc. )
No, don't explain him that you are moving first of all for yourself , not just for being with him. He would not believe you, but also he would not CARE. The bottom line is that, far or close, he does not want a relationship with you, and it's unnerved at the very idea of anything that could steer things in that direction. Btw, I would surely not eliminate the possibility that if he reacted so strongly against your idea of moving where he is - it might very well be because he already had found someone in that town and was afraid that your arrival might cause complications for him. Otherwise, why should he have been so opposite- you weren't moving in with him, were you ?
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 August 2013):
 Ok some fairly typical stuff is happening here and you are walking into a trap, although you cannot see it.
First thing, men are insecure, often act idiotically and like to throw up a smoke screen of confusion when they want things their own way...FACT!
Men (a large proportion)also like to hang onto women, whether they want to be with them or not, because:
a) It's an ego boost to have some women chasing after them and longing for them and...
b)It gives them someone to talk to at all times without having to feel lonely or bored...win win for them.
He is playing the game perfectly, bravo for him. He doesn't actually want to get back with you, has freaked out majorly when you said you would move back, DOES NOT want you to refer to him as BOYFRIEND and said you smothered him in the past...but he loves you??? REALLY??
He knows by using the word LOVE that he can keep you where he wants you...close...but not close enough that he has to actually have a realtionship with you! YOU are HIS GIRL...but your his girl who gives him an ego boost and entertains him when he is bored...not his GIRL FRIEND!!
Can ex's do that to you?...OH you bet your life they can AND DO!!! all the time!!!
You are all wrapped up in want, hope and emotions for a guy who doesn't want to have a relationship with you anymore. Will your clinging on, being nice to him, recognising his birthday telling him you still care about him make him come back?? Nope it won't sadly and you will get more and more lost in the cycle of confusion, smoke blowing and unrequieted love...
So what can you do?
Cut off his air and turn the focus on you. If you want to move back to where you lived before, then do it, but do it with the thought in mind that you and he no longer are...and never will be. You are a young woman and you need to recognise when you are getting played! Guys who are into you will chase you, be interested in you and not make you feel like you are a spare part. They also will crawl over broken glass to have you be their boyfriend and they will show it through positive loving action.
Don't cling onto the past, because it has sharp edges and they will do nothing but hurt you. Things didnt work out with this guy for a very good reason and it's evident that he knows exactly how to play women and that makes him BAD NEWS.
Let go, get yourself healed and go on with your life knowing you wont allow this to happen again to you. There is someone much better out there for you xxx
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