A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Am I stupid to be willing to wait for so long for us to be together?My fiance and I are in a long distance relationship. We always have been. We are recently engaged. I love him very much, but I struggle with the length of time it will be before we can (likely-not even for sure) actually be together.We both have fairly young children (him-2 daughters aged 10 and 8, Me-1 son aged 3) He is very actively involved with his daughters, always has been and he is still friendly with his ex wife. My son's father spends about 4 days a month with our son and we don't get along.The state I live in makes it very difficult to be allowed to relocate with a child after a divorce, for many reasons, it's unlikely I will be able to move. My fiance knows this, and has told me he wants his daughters to at least be old enough to decide what parent they want to live with before he moves here.Is 2-2.5 years a ridiculously long time to wait? In some ways, I don't feel like it is, but in others-I do. There are a lot of challenges in our way, and I am empathetic about his girls having their Dad move away. He tries to be optimistic about the situation saying it won't be so bad, but I am filled with doubt. There's no question in my mind-I love him, I'd like to be with him, but maybe I am closing myself off to to many opportunities that might arise for something that is so far away?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 March 2014):
 While LDRs can work long term (we have friends that were LDR the first two years of dating, have gotten married and are STILL LDR and will be for nearly 2 more years) they have a limited life.
Being LDR when you are an adult without small children is hard enough (BTDT with my current hubby)... doing it long term (2 or more years) with small children is going to be nearly impossible.
I seriously doubt that this will be resolved in two years time. these children are VERY small and as such if both mom and dad are involved in their lives, then uprooting them to remove one parent from the daily/weekly mix seems selfish and unfair to the children.
While children in PA only have to be 9 to have input in family court, most states say age 12 is the earliest a child can have input into which parent to live with. Sadly for the kids they are forced to choose when parents are selfish this way. for me, I divorced my first husband but we PARENTED together until both children were over 18.
Blending families when you are both local is hard enough... this seems to me to be a nightmare waiting to happen (esp if you are the poster of the previously mentioned post).
I think that you are cutting yourself off from others. I would suggest this:
you can't move now
he can't move now.
you both have probably close to 8-10 yrs before moving is a real option.
Yes you think you love him (trust me loving someone LDR that you see on weekends or every other weekend is very different than loving them full time and sharing a home) and yet you rightfully are questioning the validity and intelligence of trying to make this work.
My advice is painful:
end the engagement.
feel free to continue to see each other as you can
leave the kids out of it for now
leave your options to date others open so that when you meet someone closer to you, you don't have guilt or feel like you are cheating...
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2014): It would not be in your son's best interests to deny him regular access to his father. Whatever your grievances against your ex, you don't have the right to visit them upon your son. He didn't pick his father, YOU did.It would not be in your son's best interests to suddenly introduce a complete stranger into his life as his new step-father.Above points also apply to your online boyfriend's children and above points would also be valid even if the "fiance" in question was NOT a virtual stranger whom you apparently have not even met in person. As a single parent your child's emotional well-being must take priority over your love life. Given that you and his father don't get along, your son must have already experienced enough turmoil and upheaval in his young life. He needs as much stability and consistency as possible, and his mother harboring cyberspace fantasies about playing house with a virtual stranger isn't very constructive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): Add - I don't think he's doing it deliberately but it's a very difficult situation to be in and the ultimate question you need to ask yourself has been mentioned I believe:
"Will you feel it's a waste of lots of time if you wait 2 - 4 years for this guy and he suddenly doesn't want to move and you can't move, so it ends?"
Being engaged (especially so early on) won't help or act as a temporary fix and I wonder if that's why he may have proposed as quickly as he did :/
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A
female
reader, like I see it +, writes (29 March 2014):
 Was this question yours also?
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/feels-like-no-one-is-genuinely-excited-about.html
If yes, it seems pretty clear that you have a LOT of reservations about the situation in which you find yourself. Rightly so, I think - six months of dating isn't that long at all to wait before getting engaged even in the best of circumstances. In your case the engagement represents an even deeper commitment to a complicated situation with no readily available "good" solution; either you stay and suffer for two years apart from one another or you leave and wonder what might have been.
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this because both of you honestly sound stuck. It's not a question of one person not caring enough or not being motivated enough to make a change and close the distance. As parents you are both doing the "noble" thing by putting your children's best interests first and that says a lot about your character.
That said, after six months you are still getting to know this guy, really. Most couples at this point are still in the honeymoon period, where being in the relationship feels amazing and the other person seemingly can do no wrong. If you find yourself at the six-month mark and already questioning whether this relationship is right for you, it's time to step back and really look objectively at why you are in the relationship and what qualities you see in your fiancé that have made going through the hassle worth it so far. If six months of long distance has been this rough on you two, are you honestly up for another four or five times that while you wait for this guy? Maybe he's so amazing he's worth it, but unless you identify that to yourself, you're inevitably going to resent first the waiting and ultimately him for making you wait.
There's no need to decide these things overnight, but they're worth consideration and may help you determine how you wish to proceed.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): I read the fiancée after 6 months post and it sounds like you. You are still practically strangers and 2 - 4+ years is a long time to wait for a stranger - especially when one of you would need to uproot your children (presumably) away from their other parents and family members.
Personally, I don't hold much hope in this relationship because it's been moved forward very fast from strangers to fiancées without much in between and you're basically putting your life on hold for this guy who may take 2 years or may take much longer and I don't think you deserve that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (29 March 2014):
 Correct me if I am wrong, I think in another post you said you got engaged after six months of LDR. If it is so, then, it's not even like WiseOwlE says- you haven't had much time to establish your feelings and to think all this through, it sounds more like an impulse thing and now you are having justified second thoghts. Justified because you have no idea if the wait will really only be two years. The younger one in 2 years will only be 10 !, would you as a parent let a 10 y.o. decide about her future ?
In SOME courts ( it varies according countries ) judges LISTEN TO the opinion and wishes of a 12-14 years old- meaning that they take it into account, not that they base their decisiosn upon it. Ok, they are not going through court, they will settle this amicably . Will the mother accept the decision of a preteen or young teen as etched in granite, without batting a lid ? Does the mother know about the possible relocation of her daughters, and is she OK with it, or would she fight it legally ? If they have joint custody, they have both to agree about where the kids are going to live. Have the kids been informed of what could happen, and what do they / will think about uprootig themselves to go live with an unknown step mom and unknown younger stepbrother ?... Do you think they really won't mind and will say , yay great idea, we get to lose our school friends etc.. because dad is in love ?... Only if the mother were mean and abusive, which you don't mention.
And, if there is the distinct possibility that one of the girls or both would want to go and live with dad , - well, why can't he just move now and have his kids join him at a later date when they'll feel good and ready ?
What if both girls choose to stay with mom, will you have wasted 2, or also 3, or 4 or more years , for nothing ?...
I think deep down you feel that there's not a set plan here, a program, but just a dream whih, pardon me, sounds more like a pipe dream. I want to believe that your bf is in good faith and actually believes that two years will make all the difference in the world, - but other people would be also justified in thinking that he does not know what to do, he has no idea how to solve this problem, and he is just buying time and stringing you along .
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (29 March 2014):
 Your last paragraph sums up my view of this. You're making a big commitment to this man based on a huge 'maybe' in the distant future and in doing so you 're closing yourself off to more promising possibilities in the here and now.
If you mean legally old enough to have some input then it's going to be longer than 2.5 years since one of them is only 8. Even if they decided to live with him, do you really think he is going to take them far away from their mother? And if they chose to remain with her, is he going to suddenly be ok with not being as actively involved in their lives?
I recall your other post, though I did not respond to it, and I really can't blame your friends and family for not being more enthusiastic about this.
I'm sorry, OP, I just don't have much faith in this plan.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): It's not just about the 2.5 years.
The signpost for when things can change is very subjective. Maybe they are not ready until 4 years time. Then what?
If they choose.to.live.with him, will.he.uproot them away.from.their.mother?.I don't think that will.be.as easy.as.he.thinks.it.is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2014): I think you already know the answer to your question because it's in the question at the end of your post.
You have been a very patient woman and have taken your time to establish your feelings. However; you seem to be a very logical woman who weighs her options. You are very precise and you make your decisions with a lot of scrutiny.
You have waited a long time already. The question isn't if you love him, the question is if you should wait?
Here is part of the answer:
"There's no question in my mind-I love him, I'd like to be with him, but maybe I am closing myself off to to many opportunities that might arise for something that is so far away?"
Now I will offer my advice. Two years is too long to wait.
You would be closing yourself off to many opportunities; and you have already reached this conclusion in your mind.
I agree.
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