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male
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anonymous
writes: i'm 32 year old married for 5 years..actually i'm a bit hesitated to write but i'm really going crazy.like i said i married a woman 5 years ago after falling in love with her,life was ok in the beginning..we moved to another country "after 3 months of marriage" and troubles started.i didn't realize in the beginning it would be that much but..after 5 years of marriage i feel i'm not married.i discussed the problems with my wife but she never listened to me,she denied that we had troubles.we used to talk for some time,go out in the week end for shopping and buying stuff.and we rarely had sex.yes we used to have sex once every month and sometimes every two months.i tried all the ways physically,medically and emotionally but she refused them all and she denied we had troubles.because i work so hard and i almost have no weekends i thought that was the reason.i rescheduled my work so i can have hours free before i go to sleep.and what i got is some extra tv shows and some books because my wife still "not in the mood"..i tried vacations,trips,everything nothing worked.i talked to her many many times but nothing worked.she refused to have a baby and i felt fine with that.for every reader it seems to be an easy problem.but for me,for the last year after gradual emotional fading i found someone who waked up me..i didn't cheat on my wife "although this came to my evil mind many times" and i don't want to cheat.what shall i do?what options should i think about?,i know that leaving her will give me a chance to start a new life may be i will be happy with,but this will leave a sad person "my wife" behind.don't think i'm a jerk because i'm writing this.i can't continue life like this and also i don't want to hurt her.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (25 March 2006):
 Your wife has now given you a response that she wants to somehow save your marriage and if she is saying that things can change then tell her that maybe it is all a little too late. Tell her that unless she agrees to the counselling you do not think you can move forward.
I cannot see that a lot will change and perhaps she feels that by saying this will buy her time like you say.
At the end of the day it is up to you to decide whether you want to try and save your marriage or not or whether you think this new person in your life could make you happier.
If your wife agrees finally to counselling then perhaps she will listen to you for a change as a counsellor is in control of your discussions instead and whatever you find out you can move forward as stronger people whether this is together or apart.
Your wife obviously feels that she would never meet anyone else and that is not the case. She is feeling vunerable but seems unwilling to compromise. Relationships are about communication and compromise and if none of this is happening in your relationship then divorce is the only answer.
Try the counselling option again and see what happens.
BFN
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni appretiate all of what i read, and yes i feel i'm getting help listening to others. i'm happy because i'm getting fair ideas about the situation here.i want to add some replies of the answers i got.first,my wife denied that there is a problem..she said that she was happy with the life she had and she has no depression,she refused the counselling after i discussed that with her and she said that it was my problem.i'm the one who is unhappy and she is the one who is happy.so simply i'm the one who is abnormal and sick.yes i felt weakness in my charachter but not selfishness..no not selfishness.i don't want both ways.i just want one single happy life.thats why i'm posting the question.i agree not to have an affair right now.today my wife asked me for a chance to change because its unfair to divorce her.she said that may be i will have a chance to meet someone else who will bring happiness to my life ,but she doesn't have this chance because i'm the only one who can make her happy.i don't know if she is really willing to change and to have normal marriage even with basic emotions or she is trying to win some time "may be she thaught i will forget with time".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): The best advice is that you leave your wife and try to start a new life. You have tried everything, but nothing seem to work. Leaving your wife or husband is very hard, it´s a agony but "life goes on", it ends when you die. So be happy and try to think positive!
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (21 March 2006):
You have made the right decision by asking for help and rather than condemning you I think that you need to get your wife to go with you for counselling. There is Relate in the UK but there must be other forms in other countries and there is always couple counselling and individual counsellors.
Perhaps the move abroad upset the whole balance in your relationship and if your wife does not mix well then she is probably in a depressive state. The unwillingness for sex or a child is certainly signs of this and she needs to see a doctor to confirm this. Does she sleep a lot and does she still say she feels tired after a good nights sleep? If she does then she is depressed and you need to find out why.
My ex cheated on me for over 2 and a half years after my daughter was born and it started when she was 7 months old and our sex life was non existent and my time was with the baby and not him.
Cheating on your wife will just leave you guilty forever and her feeling worthless.
If she does not agree to counselling or seeing a doctor then tell her you cannot take it anymore and you are going to start divorce proceedings as like the other reader says it would not be fair to just have an affair. Make a clean break and then both your wife and yourself cannot feel guilt.
Also you also know that you have tried everything to save your marriage first of all by suggesting the counselling and doctors. If your wife agrees to go then you might find out things you did not know but you will both come out of it as stronger people and knowing how to communicate with people.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2006): Go home, and tell your wife, it's over, hire a lawyer and proceed with a divorce. If you cannot do that then make a decision to commit to her fully and get into marriage counselling. But do not have an affair. The pain and hurt you will cause your wife, will be something that you just can't fathom. Just get busy and do something where your wife can walk away from this unhappy situation, with her self-respect intact. Don't start boinking some woman on the side, just to have your fun. Either commit fully to your wife..or not. Leave the 'other' woman out of this until all is resolved. I have to say, what disturbs me the most about your letter is that you are lying to yourself, your wife and still playing house with her. It shows a weakness of character and selfishness, on your part. You want it both ways. Liveing a good life isn't that way. Try being honest with your wife and give her the freedom to go find someone else-who would love her and treat her in the most loving, amazing way. You aren't doing it for her.so .be fair and think of her.
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