A
female
age
30-35,
*aveiafuture
writes:I am currently at crossroads in my life. I found a guy I truly love and loves me for who I am. We seem to be made for each other. In fact, I feel that we are soul mates if not for one terrible flaw in him. He hates children! I have seen the way he reacts when toddlers and young children are around him. It is like he is disgusted when the little ones are crying or making some noise. Last Sunday he dropped a bomb shell. He wanted to break up and end our relationship because he knew I wanted children and he does not so there was no point in stringing me along.I am not sure what to do now. How do I show him the beauty and meaning of life that children bring unto us? I keep telling him how lonely and depressing life can be without children and he retaliated by saying he is sure he will fall into depression if he were 'encumbered' with children. He even went on to say life would be meaningless for him if he were burdened with kids.How do I make this man-child grow up? We have not seen each other for a week though yesterday he finally picked up his phone. We chatted a while and he says he still loves me and he doesn't feel like leaving me though he says it is something he has to do.
View related questions:
soul mates, soulmate, want children Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2016): Stop contacting your ex. Let him move on and get over you. He is doing you both a huge favor by being a bigger person and letting you go, so that you can find someone else who shares your core values.
There is nothing wrong with him not wanting children. It just is a fact that makes him incompatible with you.
Please leave him alone and move on. No reason to make it harder for you both than it is already.
So sorry it didn't work out.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2016):
 Yeah ... but what if this guy is less pliable than your dad ? What if he is adamant and won't ever accept to have children with you ?...
If you really care about becoming a parent, if the kid issue would be a dealbreaker for you- then the deal is already broken because you cannot afford to risk so much.
Plus, the fact that it all ended well in your parents' case does not cancel the fact that there are countless cases instead where the reluctant partner was convinced, if not pressured, to become a parent and it ended in total disaster. With a broken home,or with a shell of a marriage kept together somehow just for the appearances or for "the kid's sake ", and /or with the reluctant parent ,secretly and often not so secretly,resenting the child for the drastic changes the child's coming to the scene had brought into their life..
That's too risky , not just for you but also for a possible never really desired, never really yearned for , child.
I too don't see why your does not want chilkdren and is supposed to change his mind, while you love children and do not have to change your mind.
Why your values and aspirations are necessarily better , smarter and healthier than his ?
Now that contraception is widely known and available, people do not HAVE to have kids , they can choose what they like. There's plenty of adults, men and women, that for a host of different reasons don't like children, and/or don't want to bring any in this world. You may not understand or not share their reasons, ( which often have got nothing to do with immaturity ) but that does not make their reasons less valid or respectable than yours.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (27 February 2016):
 I don't think it's fair to be calling him a man child. He has been honest with you to the point of thinking it better to end the relationship for you to be able to eventually get what you so desire. That takes a lot of maturity,sensibility and love. He knows what he wants, you know what you want making this a topic of something to go round and round in circles. As hard as it may be, walk away knowing he has done you a favour. All the best.
...............................
A
female
reader, haveiafuture +, writes (27 February 2016):
haveiafuture is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to my dad. He said before he met my mother he was sure to commit himself to a life avoiding marriage or any real responsibility.
No... I wasn't a born a mistake. My dad found a woman he truly loved and decided to spend the rest of his life with her. He initially didn't want children but my mum convinced him to. Out of love for my mum he compromised and here I am today.
My dad has no regrets with his decision. In fact he is grateful for my mum's insistence.
Just letting you all know...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (27 February 2016):
 Not wanting children doesn't make him a "man-child" or immature.
It makes him a non-viable partner.
How come you think HE needs to change his mind, and not you?
He is being honest with you, HE doesn't want kids. You do. So LET him go. That way you can BOTH find a partner who is a MUCH better fit.
Sorry, you can't change the moon because you want to sunbathe at night. And you can't change a guy who doesn't want kids into one that does, because YOU want kids.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 February 2016):
 Growing up means you pay your bills, take care of household chores, and be able to handle your emotions and communicate well. Unfortunately wanting children does not fall into one of those. There are many parents who were enthusiastic about having children from the beginning then divorced some years later because of the stress the household caused. Not to mention lack of couple quality time. Not liking children belongs to ageism. Someone who discriminates against a certain age, usually children. Your boyfriend has been a child before. When he sees a child he sees his hopeless, whiny, demanding self that would be chastised if he asks for more love and attention. It's a dreadful feeling that no matter how much you give, it would never be enough.
It's hard to tell a guy who lives in the basement and plays video games all day to man up, and be ambitious. It's even harder to tell someone to accept children when it's an aversion that's deeply ingrained in them. To give you an example of how an aunt of mine never wanted children. She has 3 siblings. When her sister was 9 her family was out on a cruise. She fell into the water and drowned. She could not be resuscitated. Her mom went into a mental breakdown for years. She felt survivor's guilt and somehow decided that children are not for her. Children demand constant attention if not, something goes wrong. It can be outward or inner, subtle trauma that causes a person to not want kids. In life there are many things that people simply do not grow out of, or have solutions to. They just keep on living the way they believe is the best for them.
The diagnosis of psychological and developmental disorders skyrocketed in the past 30 years. Often parenting or a stressful living environment is to be blamed.
I myself love children but can also live without them. At the same time I agree how some people think, that the world has gotten into a mess and it's no longer a safe, happy, abundant environment for them. It's not like your boyfriend is being irresponsible. He has truth to what he's saying.
You both can be a lovely couple but if children is what you need to feel complete then this is a deal breaker. I think a life changer would be something so drastic that a stranger child saved his life from a car accident and he feels so grateful that he decides to pay back by taking care of him.
...............................
|
