A
female
age
36-40,
*luesmoke
writes:Hi. This is a family member problem not a relationship one. I have two brothers who are 4 and 5 years older than me. I don't get on with the elder one. He's very much like how my father used to be when he was younger and still kinda is today: he's always right, domineering, black-and-white, do it my way, won't listen to your advice etc. Anyway, that grates on me so that's one problem, but the other is more relevant to me at the moment. I haven't seen him or had contact with him in about 2-3 years, the occasional I wonder how he's going, maybe I should try to look like I bothered sending an email, but mainly it was out of site out of mind. But suddenly last week he came back into the country and is living only a few suburbs away and has my mobile number off my parents. I don't want to have anything to do with him but also I have this little voice in my head saying for the better peace and serenity of mind that I should have some neutral to positive contact with him in case something happens and I regret it - it kind of strangely feels a bit like guilt, but mainly I don't want to see him aside from that. The reason I don't want anything to do with him is because when I was 13-14 he sexually harrased me, in the way that it was like I was his little play-thing to find out what a girl's body and sexual parts felt like before he got a girlfriend. He's strong and we had a big house so I couldn't leave the room and calling out didn't do anything but scare him off from being caught every so often, and he domineered me to keep quiet while it happened and in-between times. This is a big deal for me but everyone seems to have forgotten it, I told my mum and she made it stop and when I rang up upset over them giving my number and told them why she didn't even remember and passed it off and wants me to go contact him and forgive him for this thing she can't remember and just be all nice-nice with him - hell no!! I'm in my first sexual relationship now and what happens passes though my mind every so often and I feel cold and dirty, especially 'down there' and vulnerable and I hate how I feel and I hate him and how it makes me not want to be touched by my boyfriend for like the next half day after thinking about it. What do I do about it and him? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (22 August 2007):
 Sweetheart I do appreciate everything you are feeling right now and I understand why you don't want to have contact with your older brother.
This isn't just about losing touch with him, he violated you when you were young and it happened under your parents roof and they think it was just one of those things.
It wasn't and the fact is that you need to address this completely so that you can deal with it properly.
Have you ever had any counselling for this abuse that took place all those years ago?
Have you ever told your bf about what happened and why you feel awful about being touched because it brings back the bad memories?
I think that this is going to be a problem until it is properly addressed and if you did have counselling previously perhaps the fact that you are now in a sexual relationship means that this has brought up these memories again and in order for you to get past all of this you do need to talk it through with someone.
As far as your brother is concerned, why should you be the one to approach him? He was the one in the wrong whether he choses to admit or not, being the one to contact him makes you look like little sister craving your big brother's attention in my book. He has your number even though you didn't want him to have it, so why hasn't he contacted you? Could it be the guilt after all?
I would leave things at the moment and find out from your mum how long he plans to stick around. I am sure he will visit them at some point and it is up to you whether you want to be around at the time or not? I would not be on my own with him again though as he will always be the big brother to his little sister so I would not let him intimidate you. Just my personal opinion though.
I would get some advice though on everything you are feeling now though as it could well help you deal with whether you feel strong enough to confront him or contact him in the near future or not. I think it is all mingled into all these previous emotions and the abuse you suffered when you were younger. It wasn't right and it is still affecting you now.
I wish you well and do try to talk to someone OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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