A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has moved about 250 miles away and he had been planning a relocation for years before meeting me. He wants me to be with him and says how much he loves me but I feel some things he has said are odd. When I asked him early on in the relationship he said that "his relocation would have more chance of success if he's in a relationship". He text me and said "I want you to be with me here so that I have someone to share it with." When I've asked him whether he loves 'me' or is just needy (I'm less blunt than that!) he gets irritable. When we were together he was always going on about relocating and how he just wanted to go asap and yet he loved me etc. He almost waivered when we met and broke down saying he wasn't used to a woman getting in the way of his plans. This made me feel bad and so I went out of my way to ensure he had my approval and that I didn't want to get in his way. It was hard to enjoy the good times full with this 'time bomb' of him going. I could re-located but I am concerned whether it is really ME that he wants - or if he just needs some arms around him. I have asked him and he always says he wants me because he loves me. I miss him very much of course but I am not sure I want to relocate. We communicate often by phone or text but I am starting to wonder if the shoe was on the other foot whether he would follow me? He did say once that if I didn't want him to relocate then I would have to find a pretty good alternative for him. This hurt me because for me, a good relationship is the very basis for a couple to go forward together. Am I reading too much into this? Please help....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): If you are happy and successful in your career and the relocation question is at play, don’t give up what you already have that is positive for a situation that may be a possibility. Having happiness in your own career is half the battle that has already been won. Your boyfriend has put you behind in a relocation situation that at best is a maybe. If he cares for you, he should not compromise your success in hopes of finding his own life satisfaction. If relocation is a stress problem for him, there is no telling how he would handle things in a real crisis. I am a guy and I will be the first to tell you there are plenty of us out there with feeling and understanding for the people we really love.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): Just wanted to say a big thank you for this thoughtful response which has truly made me realise where I am going wrong in my thinking.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2007): I think you are having doubts about moving for a guy that has not proposed marriage to you.
I know for sure that you fear change, all of us human beings have trouble with it, fear of the unknown, loss of control over our lives, and sadness for things we have to give up as well as excitement for what might be...
I also, think you are trying to put him to a test, "does he really want me or just some arms", "if the shoe was on the other foot, would he relocate for me"....these are sort of catch 22 questions, the poor guy is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.
The fact of the matter is that ALL relationships are negotiated, and they involve compromise and planning, whose job comes first, who will be willing to follow whom, how will we handle family and finances, and when are we going to marry and settle down and maybe start a family.
You are talking to the wrong peanut gallery, these issues are best spoken about with your boyfriend....he loves you and wants you or would not have asked you to come with him and included you in his goals and dreams for the future....
So what are you going to decide? Don't put this on him and make it about him and his feelings, own your own fears and ask him to help you work through them, and you will have your decision in no time.
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