A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I moved abroad because I was suffering from social anxiety and depression after being the victim of a sexual assault. Got a fantastic job, bought my own house, got a boyfriend, and we ended up getting married. Things seemed to be going fine. To this day I am still in touch with my family, and I visit them pretty often.I married my husband after a 15-month long-distance relationship. I didn't know his family too well, and he didn't know my family at all.Last month his sister was in town for a whole two weeks. Even though I invited her to stay with us as soon as I know she would be in town, she refused. She would come home for dinner every evening and I was fine with that. However, she invited herself to stay for the night a couple of times. Our house is so small, it has no extra bedroom, which means she had to sleep on the couch (even though she was officially staying at her friend's, who has an extra bedroom). She had rejected my invitation, so it was totally unexpected. Last time she invited herself for the night, I had some work-related deadline the day after. I had taken my computer home, in order to work from our living-room instead of having to go to the office.I tried to talk to my husband, I told him I have no privacy at all with his sister in the living-room, and thus am forced to go to the office anyway. I was visibly upset but he did nothing about it. The next morning I left home at 7am, and I was working until 4pm. Both my husband and his sister woke up at about 11am, ate breakfast, went out to the shopping mall, and to a café, even met their cousin. When I was done with my work, I called him and he let me know that they were having a great time out. I got home and waited for them to come before making dinner. But nobody came. I texted him and he said he was waiting for dinner at a restaurant. I got a panic attack and begged him not to leave me alone. He got home after dinner. Two days later when I got home from work, the sister was waiting in the living-room. She had eaten lunch at home with my husband, and waited for me there from 1pm to 5pm, when nobody else was at home.She gave me a lecture on how people from my country are not nice towards family, and how she felt unwelcomed. How I am making her brother work hard and it should be enough with the money I make (he decided to go back to school after we got married, and working 3 hours a day to pay for groceries, while I have a mortgage and pay for all the bills). Please note that she has borrowed money from my husband on numerous occasions, while I have never asked him for money. I texted my husband about what she was doing. I was home-alone with this woman who was criticizing me. What he did shocked me: he forwarded my text to his sister, so she even attacked me even more (verbally, of course). It was like hell.I have no support network in this country, I'm not very social. That day, when he came back from work, I tried to be nice to both his sister and him, but I am very angry and sad ever since. I don't know if I should "fight back" or just move back to my country of birth (with or without him). We have been married for less than one year and I cannot stand the thought of having to put up with his sister's negative attitude towards me for the rest of my life.
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 Is it possible that you and your husband got married a bit to quick? You say you where in a long distance relationship, but did you actually spend time getting to know each other? I am hoping you both did not rush in to this. You need to be able to talk to your husband if there is a problem not just decide to run away the sign of a disagreement.
Have you spoke to your husband about how his sister behaved? Have you asked him why he forwarded the text? Have you told him how much he hurt you not supporting you? You are both married, therefore you both need to be able to talk to each other and be honest with each other.
He was spending the day with his sister and they decided to go for dinner, and you begged him not to leave you on your own? Why? I think he should be able to spend time with his sister and not have to worry about you, okay yes you waited for them so you could make dinner, but did you ask where they going to be there for dinner or did you just presume? Have you issues with being alone? If you do then maybe you need to get some help, you mention you took a panic attack, do you feel this has something to do with your past? Again if it has something to do with being a victim of sexual assault then I suggest seeing a therapist as you probably need support. Yes your husband should be supporting you but he should also be able to spend time with his sister and not worry about you.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (13 April 2016):
 First of all, calm down OP. You don't need to do anything drastic, least of all leave the country or your husband!
OP fights and misunderstandings happen in every relationship. It happens in every house, in every relationship, in the best of relationships. You don't have to take the fight-or-flight approach (literally!) every time this happens. There are other ways of dealing with this.
You need to start by taking your husband into confidence. He is the one who needs to be on your side. He is your biggest support system.
Talk to him when you are alone and rather than attacking him, ask him calmly why he did something as immature as forwarding your text to his sister. Explain to him that you need him on your side more than anyone else and he needs to stand by you, no matter what. You are a team and even though his sister is his family, his first priority should be you.
Secondly, in a situation like this, when you feel like someone is verbally attacking you, instead of panicking, just stay calm. If you feel that someone is telling you something nasty, just remove yourself from the situation. Take a deep breath, do not get drawn into a fight and just excuse yourself. You don't need to justify or explain yourself to them then and there. If you feel that the person is crossing a line, just tell them that you will not have this conversation with them because you don't agree with what they're saying but you refuse to step down to their level. Leave the room but don't be rude to the other person because then that'll give them a chance to attack you even more.
The best way to have dealt with this is that you should have spoken to your husband directly, in private, and he should have been the one to deal with his sister.
What did your husband have to say to you after all this? How is the sister's attitude now?
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