A
female
age
41-50,
*hes
writes:I need advice cause I'm going mad. I have been friends with this girl for over 10 years and I have helped and been there for her no matter what. She was with this fella for a few years until he cheated on her with a man, I told her get rid which she did until a couple of weeks later he was back. They then went on to have a child and he just vanished, never paid for the child or anything and I helped her with money and everything. He has took her to court (using tax payers money) so that he can see her, if she met someone new he would make it arkward for her. She took him back about 3 months ago and there playing "happy families" but she told me its not a sexual relationship - she's now 8 weeks pregnant. About 8 - 9 weeks ago it was announced that mothers with children who are at a school age have to work (that's when she fell pregnant). I told her what I thought and she said it was none of my business but she wanted him to come to my wedding with her and I told her no way after everything he has done. Now she's bad mouthing me because I said I don't want him or her at my wedding, and she doesn't think she's done anything wrong, this is a man and woman who have never worked but think its ok to have children and let other people pay for it. My main thought is to confront her but my sister said I shouldn't take myself to their level. What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): Why are you friends with this person at all? It seems to me you don't approve of the way she chooses to live her life. Maybe it's time you find different kind of people. It's okay to stop a friendship when the friendship isn't working. Should you confront your friend? Absolutely. Only because it's bothering you too much. Confronting a friend doesn't mean shouting, insulting or recriminating your friend. When you confront someone it's all about you. It's about how a person's treatment/actions/behavior affect you. You also have to take responsibility for the part that you play in all this -perhaps things got heated and you called your friend such and such or told her to do this or the other in a nasty way.
Anyway, when you confront your friend, make sure you do it face to face and that you're calmed and that your intention isn't to prove that you're right but to express the way you feel about the situation. You can say something "Look, you and I have been good friends for 10 years but but recently things are strained between us. I know I said things that hurt you and I'm sorry. I realized I was out of line when I said blah. I didn't mean to be judgmental. It's just that I feel very strongly about it and it hurts me to see you getting hurt... blah, blah,. Anyway... blah, blah, I don't agree with the things (specific) you do but you're an adult... blah, blah. Then end the conversation and depending on how it goes, let your friend know where you think things between the two of you should go from there (I don't think we should be friends anymore, or we should take a break...).
A
male
reader, werther  +, writes (30 July 2010):
so does she want a sexeualrelationship with someone else?
she might have had a agreement to have children with this guy and see other people on the side???
he obviously is gay/bi, so he needs something that she cant give her( sex with a man) and maybe she really wants his child....
maybe
or she is really lost , ask her ???
it´s your wedding, you invite whomever you want there....
people get peeved when they don´t get invited to parties, but come on thats your (you and partner) decision
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 July 2010):
I think this is a woman you need to leave out of your life now. You've been a great friend, you really have. And you've been there. But the idea of a friendship is that you're both not just 'yes men', and that you care for each other. From what you've written, she's just there when she needs you, then pulls away and bad mouths you. The time has come to just let her go. Don't even fight it. Just let her go and live her own life.
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