A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years. When she came to live with me she had just left her ex (we knew each other prior to our getting together). She is the type of person who keeps lots of friends, and thinks nothing of the fact that I still contact my ex due to us having kids, and I make no secret of this.Her ex used to phone her whilst I was sitting there and they would chat, she said she was just being an listener as his mum just died.I didn't mind, as long shes honest with me, but I think a bit of respect for me should come into it too. She said this week that she doesn't like him, they were never proper lovers, and that they grew apart rapidly, and she met an old mutual friend too who she said also felt he was no good. She constantly tells me how bad he is, stupid he is etc.I have just found out that she has text him at least once a day for the past week or so. I dont mind as its how she is, friendly and chatty, but she hasn't told me, she said that she hadn't heard from him for ages yet I can see she has text him on and off for 2 years. I know she hides this because she thinks I will be hurt.A few weeks back I found an email to another of her ex's, she had sent him a picture of herself on holiday saying "me now!". He didnt appear to be that intersted by his response, but he said she looked good, and she said thanks for the compliment, and signed of with what was obviously her pet name with him, and a few xxx's.She loves me, this i know, and she wouldnt ever leave as we are getting married in a year or so. How can I confront her without seeming to be the jelous, snooping type, it's the fact that she is doing this and hiding it from me that riles me, even though it's just because she thinks I'll flip!I have easy access to this info (not that she knows) as I own our mobile phones and pc accounts. I dont want to rock the relationship, but I feel lied to, and I want to let her know how disrespectful she is being without upsetting things, as our relationship is the best ever, for us both.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): Thanks for the response, it is what i thought myself. I am certain the texts won't be a problem, but what about the email. I only know of these as i set up her password with her which she has forgotten about, i was going to email a few of her contacts for her birthday party, but when i saw the emails she was sending/recieving i thought it best to let her continue thinking i didnt know her email address. she deletes every text and email as soon as she sends/recieves it, but i have manged to catch a few emails. i feel like a snoop, but its nothing anybody couldnt find if they looked, and she isnt that pc literate, so i can fob her off easily. i just dont want her to think i'm a snoop, but its killing me, i really want to tell her, but im afraid it will damage things, and i know its only petty friendship with her, but i want her to know that i know. dumb ay!?!
A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (21 September 2007):
 you need to be honest, it is the only you will find out. just explain you were going through your accounts and came across it, don't make any suggestions that you think she's been unfaithful, because it doesn't seem that way, she seems to be protecting your feelings. which in some respect is thoughtful but in others a bit silly.
although texting her ex when she slags him off does seem strange, it's not that i'm insinuating she's cheating but why would she say she disliked him and yet text him, i think you do need to ask her about that, because it's not logical to contact someone you don't like every day.
calm and collectively is the right approach.
good luck
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A
female
reader, dnnl203 +, writes (21 September 2007):
Dear friend Speaking from recent experience, i would speak to her about it, as it will only resurface in the future. Tell her how you feel, that you are not concerned that she is stil in touch with exes but that she has hidden it. Maybe she has a committment prob. Hope you sort it out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): You have every right to know about contact with ex's. This can destroy a relationship. I know I am experiencing a similar thig at the moment.... but I was told about the e-mail by a member of his ex's family. I am so hurt yet he refuses to accetp that he has done anything wrong. I agree, it is not wrong to have contact - it is wrong to hide it. I don't know how you deal with this as I am struggling with how to deal with it - I just wanted you to know you have a right to be informed of contact, a right to be respected and she should be honest with you.Regards
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A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (21 September 2007):
It sounds like she's keeping her options open. Does she keep this close in touch with all her other friends. If not, I think she doesn't feel that strongly for you. Just be sure the evidence is overwhelming before confronting her. Expect she may run back to him if you do.
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A
female
reader, Lilli b +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Is she being disrespectful? She is being friendly with old friends who happen to be male but is she flirting - or put that another way - if these were old friends who happened to be female would you think she was flirting and being disrespectful?That is not to say she isn't but sometimes it is worth looking at these things from different perspectives.But it is possible that none of that really matters. You may have to ask yourself why you feel the need to look at her texts and emails - don't you trust her? I wonder whether it is possible to have any relationship without trust. And to gain trust it might not be her who has to change but you. You are clearly insecure about whether your girlfriend will cheat on you - why is that? Have you experienced cheating before or have you cheated with either this girlfriend or another? Do you expect to be cheated on?One thing that confuses me quite a lot - you say that you know she loves you and that she wouldn't leave as you are getting married - well why do you doubt her if you believe this or don't you really believe it? Likewise you say you relationship 'is the best ever' - how can it be if she is texting and emailing others and you are reduced to checking her texts and emails?I think ultimately you have to ask yourself, is this disquiet being generated by your girlfriend or by your response (snooping at texts and emails and the mistrust this generates)My advice to you would be to throw away the phones and computer (or at least hand over accounts and ownership of both to your girlfriend so that you are not tempted to snoop), have a straight talk with her about how fidelty is important and how important she is to you and then work on building your self esteem and a sense of trust. If you really feel unable to trust your girlfriend, confront her, take the consequences and move on (and you probably wouldn't have any choice in that as she is likely to end it with you if you do confront her) but do try very hard to start to be a more trusting person whether it is with your current girlfriend or another in the future. Another agony aunt would probably suggest you talk clearly about what behaviour in her would be unacceptable to you (without making it clear you snooped) and I would agree with that except I fear that ultimately it is your insecurity rather than her behaviour that makes you snoop.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): If it was me, I am very upfront with all of my feelings, I would tell her. Her listening to a call is one thing, or even replying to an email...is acceptable. BUT her reaching out to not 1 ex but at least 2, would infuriate me because...to me...it means she is lacking something in the relationship, and I would want to know what. Maybe she is lonely, maybe she doesnt want to bother you, maybe she feels you arent around enough, maybe she is having subconscious thoughts/worries about getting married. No one knows except her (if she is even aware). So, watch her nonverbal signals, be a good listener and be detail oriented to what is happening in your home. Notice the small things. If that doesnt work, I would ask her straight out. "Honey, is everything ok, whats the deal with ______ lately?" etc..Good luck, you love her dont let her go....
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