A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I know my bf loves me alot but he doesnt seem to want to be affectionate towards me... for eg, he doesnt want to stroke me to slp (if I asked him to... esp since I dont sleep easily) or a massage if my body's aching. He's ever ready to make out with me though and he does sweet gestures time to time. When I explained to him gently that I would love for him to be more affectionate towards him, he gets defensive and says im being naggy.We're in a pretty serious relationship and it hurts me alot when he doesnt seem to want to TRY to be affectionate.Is he just selfish by nature?Help pls. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): Hi,I just googled the words 'he's not affectionate enough' because im having the same problem with my new boyfriend. i was in a 6 year relationship with the most caring, affectionate, beautiful (and the list goes on) guy, i can say in the world and i left him because the sexual attraction just wasnt there, even though i could see myself marrying him for the wonderful person he was. i regret leaving him even though ive found someone else who loves me, makes all the small gestures,says im the one he is going to marry and have a great sexual chemisrty with all because he's just not affectionate enough. i told him i'm used to being more affectionate and he then accused me of trying to 'maul' him into my ex. im actually quite fed up with him just not getting what i need. its so important to me.although i dont have a solution for your 'same as mine' problem, i will say that everyone is different and if its unbearable for you as it is for me, find someone that can provide you with everything you need. that i think, is my next quest if i truly cant accept the inadequacy i feel with my need for more, (acceptable?) affection. im hoping he'll change with time. i think its wishful thinking :(
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): I think you BF just gets offended as he perceives you wanting him to touch you more as a deficit in his abilities and that would be offensive.
He translates it as; you don't do enough for me, you don't make me feel special or loved.
He also sees it as you wanting to change him and men's number one need from a woman is to be ACCEPTED.
How about telling him when he is touching you, mmmmmm I like how you do that. Encourage him more, show your pleasure. Do that enough times and he will want to keep doing it as he is doing something right and noticeable in which he benefits.
He may also not realize that most women enjoy touching, caresses and other loving gestures.
Hold his hand when you want to have your hand held.
Rub his back, hug him, touch him more. Who says he has to do it if you can initiate.
It's unfortunate that most men make the wrong translation when a woman says: I like this and it makes me happy when you do more of this...
Have you ever read a book by John Gray ph.d, titled Men are From Mars and Women are From Venus? You should. It'll help you better understand your BF and help you to speak Mars.
Best Wishes.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (21 September 2007):
This is just how some people are raised. Changing them is almost impossible so decide whether you can get used to it or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): He shouldn't be calling you naggy just because you want him to show his love for you by being affectionate. However I doubt he's intentionally trying to be mean. My husband is this way too but if I told him it bothered me he wouldn't call me naggy. I really don't think my husband would change and I don't think you can change your boyfriend either. You have to decide wether you can live with this or not. If not, why carry on?
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 September 2007):
 I don't he's selfish I think he just isn't a "toucher". Some people are just more affectionate and like touching their loved ones. I doubt if you can get him to be something he's not. Don't let it hurt you he's not doing this to be mean. Encourage him whenever he does do something sweet and enjoy him for all his other qualities.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2007): Maybe its just his nature, and I don't mean being selfish. Perhaps he just isn't the touchy feely sort. Although I must admit its a little odd that he doesn't even try for you, its not like its a big ask.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lilli b  +, writes (21 September 2007):
 I think that the real issue here is communication. If he simply will not communicate then this is what sits at the heart of your problem. If you are unable to communicate - at any time - without defensiveness or name calling - then I think there is a problem. But if he is happy to talk about what he likes and what you like but simply doesn't like stroking or massaging you may be able to consider other ways in which he can display his affection.Do you ever ask him what he likes or what is important to him? Maybe he feels that all the requests come from you and you never consider what he wants? No he is not necessarily selfish - he might think you are if you don't offer as well as ask. That said, if this is just the tip of the iceberg and he is unable or unwilling to provide you with any affection then you might want to ask yourself how compatible you are
...............................
A
female
reader, SuChaFuCknLaDy +, writes (21 September 2007):
 Have you guys had any relationship issues with trust at all? Like has he broken your trust or even vice versa? Does he have any reason to be insecure? I ask these things because my bf complains of the same things and I am completely aware of what he means. He expects me to run into his arms after we have been away from each other for days give him spontaneous kisses instead of him having to always ask and things of such. I love this man and everything he does for me but I haven't the faintest lick of trust for him yet. I'm still with him trying to rebuild our trust but it is moving in snail motion. I think to lean over and kiss him every time we're in the car together or just sitting near each other watching TV, or all the time but I’m just holding so much against him I can’t. I don't feel like he deserves it and don't want to reward him for what I haven't forgiven him for and that gets in the way of showing my gratitude for what respect he has given me and what I can count on him for forever that I can't get from anyone else. Because definitely I know what he does. And I appreciate him just don't know how to show it for my feelings of distrust.
...............................
|
