A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ladies...I need to get an honest opinion of how you would deal with this situation:Let's say you started a friendship with a guy who dazzled you like no other man, but he had a serious girlfriend. You found out later their relationship had major problems and he wanted to be happy, and he wanted to leave her. So you start seeing him, mainly for sex, but it grows into something more, and he feels committed to you, but is still with his GF. You cant stop thinking about him, but the lack of commitment or evidence he will leave his girlfriend bothers you. To add to this, the sex is somewhat dysfunctional because he has guilt and can't always "perform" well. So you decide to hang onto him, but see other guys without him knowing. You don't want to hurt him, but don't want to wait for the unknown.Fast forward several months, and you are in a serious relationship with this guy. He has left his girlfriend, and is much happier with you, and you are totally in love and totally with him exclusively. He has suspicions about your fidelity to him, and asks if you ever cheated or did anything physical while he was in the picture. He is a man who appreciates honesty, and you want to be honest for the sake of the "purity" of the relationship, but are afraid the truth may make him leave you. You feel the past is the past, but he persists.Would you keep totally quiet and lie, or would you tell him the truth? I don't know what to do. I don't want to jeapordize things, but I don't really feel like I had a clear signal early on, so I don't feel much guilt...only a little stupid and selfish. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Sunystar4 +, writes (15 October 2010):
Ok...so he did not have sexual relations with her as far as he has told you and you have trusted his words. They do say that the "guilty always accuse." That is true in a sense...it is just the sub-concious trying to see a preview of what could happen if sonmething is confessed. Just as you are on here seeking advice, to preview what your heart is telling you to do. Maybe he did have one more round of sex for old time sakes, and he is hoping to free his concious by seeing if you did something too. Regardless, understanding needs to be here...the relationship dynamics in the beginning, just can't haunt you. He was living with his x. Make your start from the day he moved out and the 2 of you only had 1 another to focus on. But the truth if he is asking, is very important. They say: the truth shall set you free. The truth hurts. People hide from the truth. AND read JAMES 5:16 in the bible. I think we should always strive to tell the truth...but there are sometimes it is just not the right time....like if you have a gun to your head, lie your ass off to save yourself. And God knew we would all lie, thats why he sent Jesus here...all of the sins usually involve a lie of somekind, denying of truth. Best thing honey....do unto him what you would want him to do to you. I think you have done well it seeking as much info as possible. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): I forgot to mention that when I say he stayed with his GF, he was living with her, but started sleeping separately even before he and I met. So no, he wasn't cheating on her with me..at least not sexually. He had broken off his relationship, but had to live with her until he could get out of the lease. He was committed to me in terms of his behavior, maybe not fully committed emotionally though, which is why I slept with another guy. He wasn't cheating...just not committed to me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Sweetie, he was cheating on his gf with you, this is why he is insecure and wants to know if you cheated on him.
What is a red flag is that this man 'appreciates honesty' yet he was cheating with you.
Total honesty from both parties is needed with lots of communication if you want to try and keep this relationship alive.
He is always going to have niggling doubts about your fidelity, and to be honest, you probably will have niggling doubts about his fidelity to you...
I suspect that if you had to tell this man the truth he would leave you....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): Drop it. Technically you weren't "official", so you never cheated on him. He was "technically" with another woman. Let it be.
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A
female
reader, BBee  +, writes (11 October 2010):
Absolutely Not !!!! He doesn't have any right to ask you that question. Tell him to DROP IT and that you NEVER WANT TO HEAR THE QUESTION AGAIN. Bottom Line. He cheated on his girlfriend. He wants you to feel like he does right now. He feels bad for breaking up with his girlfriend. He wants you to feel bad for (what he calls) cheating on him. The past is yesterday. If he cannot drop it, get rid of him until he gets over his ex. Remember guys are different. They think about their ex's (especially if they have hurt them) and we women say the hell with them and move on.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Well, the moral thing to do is be honest - this is also the choice to make for a healthy, happy relationship based on mutual trust and respect.
Honestly, you have nothing to be ashamed of yet. Lying would change that.
However, he will likely not be very happy that you were seeing other men. He's entitled to that feeling, too. That's the reason that, no matter how bad the sex life, I never advocate seeing more than one person at once, even casually. Honesty will lead to a (well deserved) series of bad feelings from him, but unless you take the risk, you can't get past it.
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A
female
reader, Sunystar4 +, writes (11 October 2010):
OK, this is tough. But I think you should tell him. They say what is done in the dark will come to light. I have been on the other end of this. My story close to yours. I asked if there was closure with his x and he said yes. All the signs began to show something different. They had a child but the contact was way to much. She also stalked him and I saw it. I decided to step away so I would not end up hurt, but he swore to me nothing was going on and he needed me in his life. But my inner voice said something else. He shared alot of the problems and I felt sorry for him. He said his X had ran off other girls he tried to date. SO I got caught up in not letting her run me off cuz I knew I could love him like he never had before. I did everything right! I ended up pregnant through birth control 4 months in to the relationship. I asked him if there was anything I should no that may influence my decisions. (I had major medical problems from my past and was told to never have children, that it could kill me.) He knew all of this and much of my history and hurts. I shared everything with him because I wanted to have a pure, open and honest love. When I was 4 months pregnant, his X dropped the bomb. They had cheated 4 times including the weekend I got pregnant. She was trying to get pregnant by him so she could keep him and stop the happiness she saw in him. This is where I tell you to be honest. I hurt more knowing that he hide the truth from me when I asked many times if there had been more. So not only did he cheat, he decieved me and that broke much more than my heart and trust issues. It changed our relationship tremendously. I have since caught him in more lies and I just don't feel the same anymore. Now we have 2 kids and are married. I have took vows that I feel I need to honor....yet I know there is more he is hiding and that makes my love for him die a little more each day. It is not fair for anyone to mislead someone in to a relationship. And it sounds like there was a lot of confusion and misunderstanding in the beginning. There was cheating on his part with his x GF as well. So he can not cast stones at you. He was not giving you a full commitment and he should not think you should have given it to him when he was not giving it to you. If he can not understand that, then he is a one-sided thinker and it may be best that you leave this now. If he forgives you and you forgive him for the beginning...than make it so. Realize that when you both joined full commitment, that is when it really counts. But in the end, I think he will appreciate that you loved him enough to be honest even if the truth hurts....lies and deception hurt more. But I don't see where you were deceptive in the beginning. He was the one cheating on someone with you. You were simply leaving your options open just in case he never left her and I don't blame you. In my situation, he asked me to be committed, and I did. But he did not want me to have others who may have stole my heart from him when his heart was still connected to another. It was just selfish on his part. Had his cake and eat it to with icecream. I don't see that you were selfish at all. You only did what he was doing....having an open relationship. So I would confess it and explain what you have read about he was not exclusive to you so why does he think you should have been for him. If he makes you feel like you were the one wrong, check that real quick. At for all readers, always step aside when there is someone you like in a failing relationship. Let is close before u open your heart up, or there will be someone left hurting. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 I know you wanted advice from ladies but I just felt I really had to say something about this.
This whole relationship started out messily and now you are facing a messy problem. Technically, you two were not in a proper relationship whilst he was with his girlfriend and you still needed the affection that your relationship was lacking back then. It is understandable that you went to see other people because things were unclear.
But right now you are with him and you can still keep this relationship pure by being honest. Because what you did was back when he was still with his girlfriend when neither of you really knew what was going to happen so you were afraid of just being alone were you not? Be honest with him, he may have trouble forgetting it but he can still forgive you because you were honest with him. But I do not know him so I can only offer a guess as to what his reaction would be.
I hope that helps.
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